The Joke Thread

Tell us your best ones.

What's the difference between vaginal and anal sex?



*bad dum tish*

This thread.

Kevo's shit leg/life

Francks broken cock.

Latvian is rub lamp find genie. Genie say, “What is three wishes?” Latvian say, “I wish potato!” Then, POOF! Potato! Latvian so happy! “Oh! Is potato! Is potato!” say Latvian. Genie ask, “What is next wish?” Latvian is say, “I wish you go away so can enjoy potato!” POOF! Too bad. Also, was only lamp.

A rapist and con artist get caught by the sheriff in a small town. The town doesn’t have much money to take care of prisoners so the sheriff gets an idea. He decides he’ll charge money to let the townspeople punish the crooks and use the money to keep them in jail for as long as he can. The sheriff figures even a short stay in jail will be plenty after a little “justice” from the townspeople.
The sheriff takes the criminals to the town square, handcuffs them posts and sets up shop. He tells the people that the punishment should fit the crime so anyone can pay $1 to kick the rapist in the groin. Since the con artist used his image to wrong his victims, anyone can pay $1 to hit him in the face.
After a while there are two long lines for the criminals. Some people paying $5, $10, even $15 to get their licks in. After a long while, a guy steps up for his turn and sees the con artist’s face is a bloody pulp and thinks “He’s so beat up at this point, he probably can’t even feel anything anymore. I’m not going to waste my money on that.” So the guy walks up and kicks the con artist squarely in the groin.
The sheriff sees this and hurries over and says, “Hey son, you can’t do that here.”
The man asks, “Why not?”
And the sheriff replies, “Because this is the punch line.”

A businessman takes a vacation in Vegas. He has a horrible run of luck, and spends his life savings and maxes out his credit cards. All he has left is his airline ticket home.
Getting into a taxi, he explains his plight to the cabbie. He offers to leave his drivers license or anything else until he can mail the fare to the taxi driver.
"You ain't got ten bucks for the cab fare to the airport? Get out of my cab!" yelled the taxi driver.
The man walks to the airport, flies home, and for the next year, he works very hard, and builds back his fortune. He goes back to Vegas, and this time he wins big.
Feeling good about himself, he steps out of his hotel to leave for the airport. At the end of a long line of taxis, he sees the cab driver who refused to help him last year in his hour of need.
He immediately figures out a way to get even with this guy.
He gets into the first taxi and asks what the fare to the airport is. "Ten dollars." says the driver. He then asks how much for a blow job. "What? Get out of my cab."
He proceeds down the line of taxis repeating the process and getting the same results.
He finally gets into the cab with his old friend, and asks him how much to get to the airport. "Ten bucks," says the driver. "Good." he says to the driver.
And as they cruise past all the other drivers in their cabs, he gives them all a smile and a thumbs up.

Why would anyone ruin this thread with actual jokes?!

I had a very good joke about amnesia but for the life of me I can't remember it...

Why are hurricane's named after women?

Because when they come they're wild and wet but when they leave they take you're house, car and money

Apparently, today is "National Text Your Ex Day"

I doubt you can even get reception at the bottom of a lake.

What's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?





































The wheelchair.

Just got back from a gamblers anonymous meeting, I was sat next to a bloke addicted to playing fruit machines.

It was a nightmare - he wouldn't stop nudging me

Got a Jimmy Saville advent calendar recently. Bit annoyed as it only opens flaps 1-16.



Too soon?

Nah you're quite late tbh, that ones been on sickipedia for weeks.

Touche both.

I'm always late to the parties, I'm surprised I got an invite this time.

I'm getting sick of people cracking all these end of the world jokes like there's no tomorrow.

There's no fucking way that you hadn't seen that joke before.

I've practically been at work my entire life the last two weeks and been sleeping.

I found it funny, I've seen it before though, leave me alone CALLUM!!!

It's not you. I've seen that joke about 25 times today. Twitter has made me want the world to end.

Oh I see... This is the it's not you, it's me bullshit.

Well then goodbye sir, I never really loved you anyway (Corrs song plays lightly in the background).

Fuck the Corrs.

Tbf back in the day the three girls would have got it hard.. Not sure what they look like these days!!

You might have to thumb it in, in that case.

I fucking hate double standards. Some bird gets a rampant rabbit and its seen as a bit of naughty fun, but when I ordered my 240 Volt FuckMaster 5000 Latex Revolving Pussy with Elasticated Anus with Breast Nipple Discharge and Semen Collection Tray, complete with optional built in Realistic Rape Scream Sound System, I'm apparently a dirty twat.

What do you get if you finger a gypsy woman on her period?