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2D Pitch FM
Jim White - Well that's the latest from today's racing at Newmarket. For a £5 free bet on all of today's races there sign up with SkyBet using the code NMRACING, it's that easy! I'm hearing that we can now finally cross over to the live feed at the Britannia Stadium where their new manager is about to hold his first press conference...
*Camera cuts to the Britannia press room where I walk in, lots of lights start flashing. My retinas began to burn then talking happened*
Henry Winter - Jamie, welcome to Stoke City and the Premier League. The obvious question is at 25 years old and no prior football experience how do you expect to be taken seriously?
Jamie Tarrant - In all fairness I don't expect it to be taken seriously. Also, I have a level one coaching badge with the FA so I do have 'prior football experience', I also watch it regularly too.
HW - So how do you expect your players to respect you as a football manager?
JT - Again, I don't. Given time they might but how am I to know? I've been tasked with a job that to be honest has me completely out of my depth but for the money I'm on I'll give it a good go.
HW - How much are you on?
*I look at the chairman beside me with a bewildered look*
JT - I'm not entirely sure, we haven't spoken about that yet but given what I read about the Premier League in the tabloids I expect it to be a lot more than you.
HW - Harsh. I don't mean to offend you.
JT - Yeah. Next question.
HW - What's the first thing you intend to do at the club?
JT - I've heard Shaqiri has signed so probably fist bump him on the training ground.
HW - What are your expectations for the season ahead?
JT - Well there'll be 38 games so a lot of football will be played. There's the two cups as well so there's the potential to play more football.
HW - What targets do you have in mind?
JT - Well I've been told to finish in the top half or I'll be sacked so I'll say the top half.
HW - What targets do you have in mind for the transfer market?
JT - As of yet I haven't thought about it but Stoke have a good squad with a great mix of players so I doubt we'll make many if any signings before deadline day.
HW - Final question. How did you even manage to get this job?
JT - Funny story actually. I was in a pub a few nights ago, I can't remember the name of it but after a few jugs of cider I started talking to the man next to me who turned out to be Peter Coates, the chairman of Stoke of course. A few jugs later and I vaguely remember signing a napkin. There was a lawyer present and it turned out that it was actually written up in such a way that the napkin was basically a legally binding contract.
HW - How did you feel about this, Peter?
Peter Coates - I was drunk. It was foolish. I apologise to the fans of Stoke for letting the club down. It really is a travesty. Again, I apologise to the fans of Stoke. Also, that's enough for questions. I have a bottle of whiskey in my office that really needs attending to. Thanks for coming and hopefully you enjoy what Stoke has to offer in the Premier League this season.
*It wasn't the most comfortable I've felt but I thought I'd done well. I've gone from drawing lines as a day job to managing a football club. This should be fun I suppose?*
Fola
Great to see you back.
2D Pitch FM
Well, I met the players. Our first chat wasn't too good. I said we could finish in a 'respectable position'. Bojan then led the team in believing that I was being over-ambitious so I sent him to go put the cones out and find the training bibs.
It around that time when I thought about what I should be doing with the squad.
I'm lucky to have a good mix of experience, youth and skilful players. When I first thought about a top half finish I actually deep down had Bojan's words already in my head but after reflecting on what's available to me I now think 'Fuck you, Bojan. Fuck you.'
I decided that Andy Wilkinson wasn't good enough for a back up right fullback so I went in search of someone else. I stumbled across Hector Bellerin from Arsenal and shot a loan offer at Wenger who accepted. It wasn't hard to get Hector to sign for the year.
Jamie Tarrant: Hi Hector, do you speak English at all?
Hector Bellerin: Que?
JT: Brilliant, if you could just sign here for me...
*Hector signs contract in front of him*
JT: Wonderful, welcome to Stoke, look at that guy, he's going to take a photo of us.
HB: Que?
One of the easiest signings I'll ever make I reckon. We only sold one player over the course of pre-season and that was Charlie Adam. Bournemouth came in with a bid of £1.6m plus add-ons that equalled £6m or something thereabouts. I decided to ring Eddie Howe and 'negotiate'.
Eddie Howe: Hi, Eddie Howe speaking, how can I help?
Jamie Tarrant: Alright, Eddie? It's Tarrant from Stoke. I saw the e-mail you sent to us about Charlie Adam and wanted to negotiate with you about the price.
EH: Um, sure, go ahead, what're you thinking?
JT: I'm thinking £8m up front or no deal?
EH: So that's it? There's no room for me to do anything, just £8m?
JT: Basically, yes. Up to you Ed, if you're not happy with it I've heard that Celtic are also interested and I'm willing to talk to them about Charlie.
EH: Celtic? They couldn't possibly afford £8m.
JT: I know, but you can. So what's it to be?
EH: I'll have a think about it and get back to you, I doubt we'll go ahead with it though.
JT: No dramas Eddie. Speak to you soon.
Turns out that Bournemouth were happy to pay the £8m in the end. I had no room for Charlie Adam anyway due to a rather large selection of midfielders (most of whom are better) so it was easy to let him go. Especially for £8m. He's never worth that much. Pre season fixtures went as well as they possibly could do. Here they are below...
Now the season can begin. We start with a home game against Everton and then a trip to Sunderland at the Stadium of Light. Not a bad couple of games to start the season. Operation 'top half finish' can officially commence.