Franjo: A Journeyman Story

Rules (Franjo: A Journeyman Story - Mini-sode 142.5)

Temporary Rules In Effect


All Player Please Observe Until The End Of The Season


Rule 1. Promotion celebrations are to be kept to a minimum until the end of the Season. Consumption of alcohol is banned.


Rule 2. Extra training sessions are mandatory. Anyone who leaves training early is out of the next match day squad. No exceptions.


Rule 3. Fast food is strictly prohibited, with the exception of McDonalds salad, which Crouchie assures me is healthy and nutritious.


Rule 4. Spend 5 minutes every day imagining the feeling of triumphing over Bourg-en-Bresse and lifting the title. Picture their faces. They’re livid.


Rule 5. Are you religious? Great! Pick a Bourg-en-Bresse player and pray that he breaks his leg.


Rule 6. Kill Bourg. Bourg die. Bad Bourg.


Rule 7. *Illegible scribbling*


Rule 8. I am the King. Bourg are the not.


Rule 9. All beer and no fast food makes Bourg a not King.


Rule 10. *More illegible scribbling*


Rule 11. *More still*


Rule 12. *A crude drawing of Abel Xavier*


Rule 13. I am not Tiara


Rule 14.


“...Boss?”


I jump, dropping my pencil. I wasn’t aware that my assistant had appeared and was reading over my shoulder. “Yes, Crouchie?”


“Those rules... Do you think...”


“I can only think of about 15 but a lot of them are sort of conceptual. Did you see the diagrams?” I get no response. “Have you got any ideas?”


I turn and look at Crouchie, who shifts uncomfortably. “It’s just that those rules might be a bit... Strict. Don’t you think?”


“We can’t take our eyes off the ball now, mate. We’re so close to the title! We can’t get complacent.”


“I get that part.” Says Crouchie, still looking massively uncomfortable.


“Ask Abbey if she’s got any more ideas will you?”


He starts to nod but quickly stops himself. “... No. The thing is Boss that they’re really fucking inappropriate and... Just odd.”


I look at him, puzzled. Then I look at my list of rules; The fruits of my night’s work. Then back at Crouchie. “I don’t see what you mean.”


“Have you slept here, Boss?”


I laugh slightly more maniacally than I intend to. “Crouchie, I can’t sleep! Not while there’s rules to be written! Not while there’s order to be kept! Not while there’s a title to be won!”


Crouchie watches me with a concerned look on his face. “It’s 9am!” He says, exasperated. Come on, I’ll give you a lift home. You need to sleep.”


Begrudgingly I take my rules, stand and follow him out of my office. “Make sure the boys see my rules.”


As we exit the Centre de Formation, Crouchie grabs the sheet of paper and crumples it up, before stuffing it into his back pocket. “Why don’t I type them up? Make them a bit neater?”


I laugh again as he unlocks the car and we climb inside. “Good luck. Most of them are conceptual. Did you see the dia...”


My eye lids haul themselves shut with such force and ferocity that I have no power to stop them. I’m asleep within seconds.


Rules (Franjo: A Journeyman Story - Mini-sode 142.5)

Temporary Rules In Effect


All Player Please Observe Until The End Of The Season


Rule 1. Promotion celebrations are to be kept to a minimum until the end of the Season. Consumption of alcohol is banned.


Rule 2. Extra training sessions are mandatory. Anyone who leaves training early is out of the next match day squad. No exceptions.


Rule 3. Fast food is strictly prohibited, with the exception of McDonalds salad, which Crouchie assures me is healthy and nutritious.


Rule 4. Spend 5 minutes every day imagining the feeling of triumphing over Bourg-en-Bresse and lifting the title. Picture their faces. They’re livid.


Rule 5. Are you religious? Great! Pick a Bourg-en-Bresse player and pray that he breaks his leg.


Rule 6. Kill Bourg. Bourg die. Bad Bourg.


Rule 7. *Illegible scribbling*


Rule 8. I am the King. Bourg are the not.


Rule 9. All beer and no fast food makes Bourg a not King.


Rule 10. *More illegible scribbling*


Rule 11. *More still*


Rule 12. *A crude drawing of Abel Xavier*


Rule 13. I am not Tiara


Rule 14.


“...Boss?”


I jump, dropping my pencil. I wasn’t aware that my assistant had appeared and was reading over my shoulder. “Yes, Crouchie?”


“Those rules... Do you think...”


“I can only think of about 15 but a lot of them are sort of conceptual. Did you see the diagrams?” I get no response. “Have you got any ideas?”


I turn and look at Crouchie, who shifts uncomfortably. “It’s just that those rules might be a bit... Strict. Don’t you think?”


“We can’t take our eyes off the ball now, mate. We’re so close to the title! We can’t get complacent.”


“I get that part.” Says Crouchie, still looking massively uncomfortable.


“Ask Abbey if she’s got any more ideas will you?”


He starts to nod but quickly stops himself. “... No. The thing is Boss that they’re really fucking inappropriate and... Just odd.”


I look at him, puzzled. Then I look at my list of rules; The fruits of my night’s work. Then back at Crouchie. “I don’t see what you mean.”


“Have you slept here, Boss?”


I laugh slightly more maniacally than I intend to. “Crouchie, I can’t sleep! Not while there’s rules to be written! Not while there’s order to be kept! Not while there’s a title to be won!”


Crouchie watches me with a concerned look on his face. “It’s 9am!” He says, exasperated. Come on, I’ll give you a lift home. You need to sleep.”


Begrudgingly I take my rules, stand and follow him out of my office. “Make sure the boys see my rules.”


As we exit the Centre de Formation, Crouchie grabs the sheet of paper and crumples it up, before stuffing it into his back pocket. “Why don’t I type them up? Make them a bit neater?”


I laugh again as he unlocks the car and we climb inside. “Good luck. Most of them are conceptual. Did you see the dia...”


My eye lids haul themselves shut with such force and ferocity that I have no power to stop them. I’m asleep within seconds.


Rules - Part 2 (Franjo: A Journeyman Story - Ep143)

Temporary Rules In Effect


All Players Please Observe Until The End Of The Season


No late nights, no fast food, no alcohol. Give your all. Save the celebrations for after we win the title.


- Crouchie


I scrunch up my face. "Wasn't my version a bit... Meatier?"


"The work of a fucking madman." Chuckles Crouch. "You drew Abel Xavier coming out of a magic lamp with a speech bubble that said 'I'm a colossal waste of £1.5M'"


I shake my head. "No, I would've remembered doing that. It is true though." There's an uncomfortable pause. "You never played with him at Liverpool did you?"


"No, couple of years before me."


"Oh, good." Another uncomfortable pause. "Looks good anyway. Well summarised."



Refreshed and reinvigorated after about 12 hours sleep, my attention is now focussed like a laser beam upon our home match against CS Sedan Ardennes. Yes we've broken club records for number of points and number of wins, but this title race has become something of an obsession for me and I won't be satisfied until we win it.




In terms of individual accolades, another record has crumbled for poor, retiring Jérôme Mombris and this time it's for his 9 Player of the Match awards in the the 2018/19 season. After tapping home the goal that sealed our promotion, Hicham Aidir's racked up 10. He's on 25 league goals too, just 1 off Djibril Cissé's Ligue 2 record that's stood since his 2003/04 season for Auxerre nearly 20 years ago.




The one that makes me do a double take though is the shortlist that I'm sent for the Ligue 2 Goalkeeper of the Year award. Carrasso's good... Jeannin's OK... Mika... Where the bloody hell's Xavier Lenogue? You know, holder of the Ligue 2 clean sheet record? Last line of one of the league's best defences? Who did Thomas fucking Didillon sleep with to get on the bloody shortlist?



Never mind. I'll shortlist him for my own award. He's the first on the shortlist for The First Annual Franjo Award For Unappreciated Excellence. I'm deadly serious. We're doing this. I'm that petty.



Meanwhile, Dennis Sundberg's take over of the club is off and on more often than a really frail but determined bucking bronco enthusiast. Patience is being rapidly lost at my end.



But the greatest news of all this week is that our Burkinabe winger-turned-inside-forward Zoun has finally admitted that he's happy to stay at the club after letting me know in January that he was concerned about his playing time. I've given him a chance to adapt to our system since then and by jove he's taken it.



Ardennes are hoping to achieve mathematical safety in Ligue 2 with 3 points today, but needless to say I'm reluctant to let that happen. There are 3 matches left and I want 9 more points on the board. We're staying unchanged for this one and I'll be looking to Phil and Hicham in particular to keep their recent form going.



We get off to a rough start. With 15 minutes gone, Faouzi Hikem switches off and allows Bettoni to get goal-side of him. Collins flicks the ball through for the winger, who takes a touch and pokes the ball past Lenogue to open the scoring. 5 minutes later Zoun drives in from the left looking for an equaliser. He shoots with power but doesn't get the curl that he's looking for and sends the ball a yard wide of the far post.


We remain behind for the rest of the half and at the break I make my feelings perfectly clear to the team. Again. Only a few minutes after the restart though, goalscorer Bettoni plays a good ball into the channel for Collins, who runs through and shoots but can't beat Lenogue, who parries it behind.


With 20 minutes to go we're still trailing and we're still not looking likely of coming back into the game. Even less so when Konaté plays a good ball into the channel and Collins strokes it past Lenogue from the edge of the box to put us 0-2 down. Incensed, I make a trio of substitutions: Florian Ayé, Adama Ba and Abdoulaye Sissako replace the ineffective Hicham Aidir, Zoun and Lamine Fomba.


With 5 minutes to go, Ba continues his streak of injuring himself on his return to the team by picking up what looks like a thigh strain. He plays on though. A few minutes later we've come alive too and when our free kick breaks down Sissako brings the ball onto the right wing and curls a cross into the box. Ngoula hooks it out of immediate danger but Ayé chests it down and shoots, drawing a top class flying fingertip save from Hajji. Ba keeps the ball in, chips it into the box and Foden gets his head to it, but his effort's cleared off the line. Neither of those near misses are the really horrific part though. That comes just seconds later when Bettoni runs the ball down the wing on the counter and crosses, Lenogue makes a good save to keep out Collins' first effort, but then can't stop him tucking away the rebound. 0-3 and all hope is gone. All hope for the title has surely pissed off too.


We do manage to work the ball up to Ayé straight from kick off, who plays Foden in behind so he can place the ball into the top corner, but it's no more than a consolation goal. We dominated today while hardly ever threatening. We've bottled it.



https://youtu.be/fWEWWjsU52

The First Annual Franjo Award For Unappreciated Excellence (Franjo: A Journeyman Story - Mini-sode 143.5)

Welcome, welcome, welcome ladies (Pause for laughter) and gentlemen. Welcome to The First Annual Franjo Award For Unappreciated Excellence, or... The FAFAFUE...


I think it’s only fair in the World of Football to give recognition where it’s due. Fans of bottom-half-of-the-table-clubs, how often have you beaten one of the League’s titans, only to have the story be all about them? Maybe you feel like punishing yourself for all of your sins and you listen to 606, where the phone lines are full of their fans complaining, instead of your fans celebrating?


"Manchester United Lose!" Cry the tabloids! "Paris Saint-Germain Lose! Barcelona Lose!"


When the headlines should rightfully be:


"West Brom Win! Guingamp Win! Alavés Fucking Win!"


But it never will be. It never will be because nobody’s buying the paper or clicking on the link or listening to the podcast with that headline, because far fewer people care about smaller clubs. Hence less sales, views or listens, less advertising and less revenue for those media outlets.


But no more. We’re setting a precedent this year. We’re appreciating the unappreciated and celebrating the uncelebrated and we’re starting right here with our own squad. Maybe our message will spread. Today Auxerre, Tomorrow the World!


It gives me great pleasure to announce the maiden shortlist for the FAFAFUE:


Xavier Lenogue - No 16 - Goalkeeper


Absent from the Ligue 2 Goalkeeper of the Season shortlist, no doubt thanks to the incompetence of those money grabbing pencil pushers down at City Hall, Xavier's smashed the league record for number of clean sheets kept this season and is the base of one of the league’s best defences.



Issa Samba - No 17 - Right Back


Definitely the runt of the Auxerre litter last Summer, academy graduate Issa nearly found himself leaving the club before taking his first team chance and putting together a run of form so phenomenal and consistent that I literally could not drop him from the starting 11. He’s gone from being on the very fringes of the squad to one of the first names on the team sheet.



Baptiste “Captiste” Aloé - No 2 - Centre Back


Oh Captain, my Captain. Not only has Captiste been solid and reliable on the field, but he’s also been the glue that holds the squad together off it. I’ve lost count of the amount of times he’s taken an unhappy player to one side and turned them around, making him essential in my starting 11 and in the changing room.



Mamadou Doucouré - No 25 - Centre Back


Initially brought in on loan as backup for Captiste and Mike Kakuba, Mamadou quickly ousted the latter as a first choice defender. He’s been so solid and consistent that I’ve barely had to mention him all year, except when I mention how little I mention him because of how solid and consistent he’s been.



Phil Foden - No 8 - Right Sided Inside Forward


The coin flip. I bought Phil for a record fee knowing full well that he was either going to be a disaster or an Auxerre great. He’s been the latter. Nobody else in the squad has reached double figures for both goals and assists and he may have even broken the club’s assist record if he hadn’t broken a rib and missed most of March. Throw on top of that the fact that he’s spent the season learning a new position and there’s no doubt that he’s impressed even more than I ever hoped he could.



Other (Please Specify)



These are the contenders. The Auxerre players consistently overlooked by the mainstream media despite the outstanding contributions that each of them have made throughout the entire season to Auxerre.


The winner is up to you. Please send your 1st, 2nd and 3rd place winners to [email protected] (Or as a comment wherever you read this) before Tuesday’s Year 6 Review, where the winner will be presented with the greatest award of them all. And that’s saying a lot because the Domino’s Ligue 2 gives out about 20,000 individual awards.


Thank you and good night.


A New Era (Franjo: A Journeyman Story - Ep144)

Hey, here's one: How many Lapland-based consortiums does it take to take over a French football club?



I don't know but this is beyond a fucking joke now, isn't it. I honestly just want the club's (And by extension, my) future sorted one way or another. I'll admit that that wasn't my best punchline.



Adama Ba should be back in time for our penultimate and ultimate games as it turns out that the injury he picked up against Ardennes is just a thigh strain. He'll be racing against the clock to be fit to start though.



Speaking of our final 2 matches, they do still matter. Bourg-en-Bresse got thrashed in their game in hand against La Berrichonne, meaning that we're still just 1 point behind them. If only we hadn't fluffed the Ardennes game we'd be 2 points ahead. My point is that the race is still on, but we need to stop dropping points.



Hicham Aidir continues to win the plaudits, this time voted 3rd in the Player of the month just behind Reims' Maxime Lopez and painfully, Ardennes' Andrew Collins. It's been a good month for Hicham but he's not even been firing at 100%. More than anybody I need him to show up if we're going to keep our title hopes alive.



Surprisingly Ardennes don't get any inclusions in the Team of the Week, but Phil's in there after his admittedly very nice consolation goal.



We've left ourselves with a lot to do today and that's not ideal, because an away tie against 4th placed Angers is by no means a good opportunity to pick up points. They're a tough side and I'd rather we'd taken our easier chances to pick up more wins, but here we are.



Project: Meatloaf hasn't been going well for us lately so we're lining up with our safer, counter attacking Project: Meatloaf Mk II for this one. Ba makes it back to fitness in time to come in for Zoun, while Aguilar and Sissako replace Hikem and Fomba. Come on lads. This time. Please.



Nothing happens. Nothing at all. It's one of those matches where I'm so bored that I want to tear it all up and make boat loads of changes halfway through, but simultaneously I don't want to change for the sake of it and open ourselves up for Angers to sneak a winner. After an hour I bring off Foden for Zoun so he can run at their tiring defence, but nothing.
And then like a sudden brilliant ray of light, we get a chance in the 92nd minute. Hicham Aidir carries the ball down the right wing as the travelling fans scream encouragement. He switches it across to Ba and runs for the box. Ba returns the favour and plays it back in for the striker, who shoots for the far bottom corner... Mika makes a fantastic fingertip save to deny us. 0-0 it ends.



Miraculously, Bourg can only draw themselves against Valenciennes and despite our best efforts we're still in with a chance of the title. It's embarrassing really. We're like the child racing an adult who's slowed down right at the finish line so as not to hurt our fragile pride.



The mood on the AJA team bus ride the following day is dour. Results are taking their toll on the squad's confidence. The wind's been knocked out of them after just 1 win over relegated Strasbourg in our last 4 matches. The Centre de Formation car park is usually near deserted the day after match day but as we pull in I notice a fair few unfamiliar vehicles. We park and I make my way towards the entrance to see a large, square-jawed man walking out to greet me.


"Ah, Franjo! At least we meet." He holds out a large hand. I wince at the corniness of his greeting but shake his hand all the same. "Dennis Sundberg," Says the large man, gesturing vaguely towards himself. "I'm your new Chairman."


"Thank fuck for that!" I laugh. Sundberg doesn't.



We make our way inside and I have my first meeting with the new Chairman of Auxerre. At first I'm happy that the endless drama of the impending takeover is done, but my smile fades as more and more details of the deal come to light.



Sundberg is investing no money into the club but he has taken out a £5M bank loan to keep us going. After a year in which money has been pouring out of the club like someone left the financial tap on, this loan gives us a balance of £1M to prepare for life in Ligue 1.



He's already started to cut ties with our affiliates and he may float the club on the stock market, which would mean paying out dividends using some of the club's already very questionably named "Profits". I am genuinely worried.




Imperfect (Franjo: A Journeyman Story - Ep145)


"Today's the day." I think as I slink out of bed. I pour out some granola and milk and sit at the table, my jaw absent-mindedly moving in a circular motion as I eat, like a cow vacantly chewing it's cud. I glance over to the empty food and water bowls in the corner of the room. Then my eyes wander over to the deflated paddling pool near the armchair. It's been a strange year. A lot's happened. Some of it good, some of it bad. Last summer I didn't have particularly lofty ambitions. I wanted to get Auxerre into the top half and maybe put us in a good position to push for promotion next year, but then we started playing football and I realised that promotion was the goal for this season. For the last quarter of the year or so though even that's seemed like just a matter of time, so my attention's turned to the title. We could have had it wrapped up by now. Bourg-en-Bresse have had their own dip in form since securing promotion but we've not been able to capitalise. Today's the day we turn that around.


Mamadou Doucouré's name has been on everybody's lips this week. Not only has he earned a place in the Team of the Week for helping us secure a clean sheet against Angers, but he's also the only player in the Auxerre squad with a chance of going to World Cup 2022 with Senegal. He's been named in Aly Gueye's preliminary squad and should he make it to the final one, I'll be right behind Senegal in the Summer.




I don't want his mind to be on anything but our match today though. We can't have our Mr Dependable at the back daydreaming about World Cup Glory. With 74 points from 37 matches, we end our season today with a home tie against La Berrichonne. They're a good side sitting in 6th but are very much the "Best of the rest" at 11 points behind the top 5. They'll give us a tough game. Bourg-en-Bresse, our title rivals, are playing the already relegated and bottom of the table side USBCO, where our young striker Brahim Ferhat is on loan. I really, really hope he can do us a favour today. If by some miracle USBCO win, we only need a draw in our match and our goal difference will win us the title. If they don't though, we need to win and we need Bourg not to.



So with that in mind, we're bowing out of the 2021/22 season with Project: Meatloaf. We will attack, get our wide lads cutting in, our full backs overlapping and we will go for the jugular. Zoun comes back into the side for Adama Ba but otherwise we're unchanged. Let's get this done.



In the first 10 minutes, Boscagli loses control of the ball and allows Phil Foden to stick a boot in and ping the ball ahead of Hicham Aidir. Aidir chases it into the box, takes aim and fires it low past Joris Delle and into the net with his unfavoured right foot. I leap from the dugout, punching the air. My heart's pounding. We've got first blood. As it stands, we're top of Ligue 2. The rest of the half is cagey but we go close to a second just before half time when Foden cuts in from the right, spots Delle off his line and tries to chip him from 30 yards. The keeper's beaten but the ball drops onto the roof of the net.


At the break I give the lads a verbal clap on the back. So far we're doing a job but we need to avoid complacency. We can't lose this lead. We head back out - And are 2-0 up within 2 minutes. Diallo's wayward clearance is collected by Goujon, who plays it to Zoun on the left. The winger dinks the ball inside for Hicham, who shapes his body brilliantly to thump it into the bottom corner with his left. The beautiful bastards. We're back in the nick of time.


5 minutes later, Zoun cuts in from the left as Aguilar bombs past him down the flank. He picks out the full back, who swings in a beautiful cross... Another match suddenly pops into my mind: A pre-season friendly from almost a year ago where we took on Eupen in this very stadium. Hicham Aidir scored a header and then a left footer. He had the opportunity to score a perfect hat trick from the penalty spot but he went with his left again. That day he scored an imperfect hat trick and I gave him a lot of grief for it in the following days. As Aguilar's cross floats through the air I already know what's coming. Leaping like a salmon, Hicham Aidir directs a header down over the outrushing goalkeeper to complete his first perfect hat trick. The big Moroccan charges over to the dugout and gets me in a crushing bear hug. "This time!" Screams the striker. "This time is perfect!" He releases me and I laugh as much as my potentially broken ribs will allow. What a fucking player.


No sooner does he jog back onto the pitch to restart the match though than Crouchie gestures me back to the bench. He's sat with his headphones in listening to commentary from the Bourg match. "Bourg penalty" he mouths. My heart drops. Come on, don't be dicks. Don't make this performance irrelevant. In the following seconds, all noise from the Stade Abbé-Deschamps fades into the background. All I can focus on is Crouch and his silence as he waits for news. After what feels like a long, long pause though, he laughs with relief. "They've fucked it." He grins. I beam back at him and turn my attention back to our game. Bourg have missed a penalty. The planets are aligning. Come on USBCO, you plucky bastards. Slay the Giants.


10 minutes later, Bosnjak chips the ball over the top for Paulo César to run onto, but Doucouré gets there first. Uncharacteristically though, he miscontrols it and allows César to nick it away and fire straight at Lenogue, who can't react in time and can only let the ball smack his arm on the way into the net. 3-1. I knew it, he's bloody daydreaming. We go close soon after when Aidir holds the ball up and rolls it to Joël. The Ivorian slips Sissako through on goal but he drags his shot just wide.


With 20 minutes to go, Casimiro's lacklustre throw in is cut out by Zoun on the left, who immediately turns and makes a beeline for the box. He lays the ball off for Joël who shoots, but the ball cannons off the post and is cleared for a throw on the right. Samba takes it quickly, throwing the ball to Foden, who passes inside for Aidir. Aidir turns, draws back his trusty left peg and fires past Delle. I can't help laughing. That sums him up: Willing to make a perfect hat trick imperfect for just one more goal. I can't complain though and the Auxerre fans certainly don't mind. They sing his name in unison, which reverberates all around the stadium.


And then 2 things happen: Firstly, Castro floats a great cross to the far post and Obiang heads just inches wide, but then Crouchie gestures me over once again. And he's not smiling. I look at him for a moment, frozen on the spot, and his face says it all. Bourg are winning. We're 2nd. The news quickly filters through the crowd and their jovial singing dies away. A small section begins to sing Brahim Ferhat's name, but just seconds later my assistant summons me again: "Ferhat's subbed, boss. It's not looking good."


It's just not fucking fair. This performance deserves to be the one that wins the title, not scraping a win against the league's bottom team. Although that is how we secured promotion, but that's not the point. Happy with Aidir's day's work I give Ayé a run out for the last 10 minutes, but I'm not sure why. It doesn't seem like anything we do from this point matters. We're 4-1 ahead but no amount of goals will be enough to climb above Bourg. We could even concede for all the difference it makes, in fact we do when Paulo César hits the post and taps in the rebound, but the goal's ruled out for offside, presumably against the 2 lads that were stood on the far post not really interfering with play as the ball crossed the line. They go close again a minute later when Obiang slips Ikaunieks through, but he just misses to the left.


It's the crowd that let me know first. A few isolated screams of delight from somewhere in the masses. I don't think anything of them until more start joining in, or until Crouchie calls me over again, his face deadpan. "What? What's happening?" I ask desperately. His face cracks into a wide smile.


"Monfray's scored for USBCO. We're top of the fucking league."




https://youtu.be/jaQRfH9XXLs


The matches end. It's done. We've won it. Maybe we shouldn't have, but we have. Auxerre are the bloody Ligue 2 Champions.







Hi all,

Just to say that I’m going to stop posting on forums from this summer. I’m not sure anyone’s still reading at this point and posting here involves reformatting and things, so it doesn’t seem worth it. You can still follow the story at http://franjo.blog though. Thanks for reading!

Franjo

I have been off the forums for a while, but have loved reading your story.

Many thanks for persisting so long in posting it here, and I hope you will still return to post in these forums even if not your career!