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Mkbw50
TL;DR Skip this section if you don't want spoilers!
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Management positions
Chennai City 31 July 2020 - 15 July 2021: £60,171.43
New Caledonia 1 August 2020 -
Milestones:
Chennai City - Relegated from 2020/21 Hero I-League
Complete competition record:
2020-21 Durand Cup (Chennai City): Group Stage
2020-21 Hero I-League (Chennai City): 10th in League stage - 5th in relegation group (Relegated)
2019/21 OFC Nations Cup: OFC World Cup Qualifiers (New Caledonia): Group Stage
2023 Pacific Games (New Caledonia): 3rd
2023/25 OFC Nations Cup (New Caledonia):
-Group Stage
-OFC World Cup Qualifiers: Group Stage
2027 Pacific Games (New Caledonia): 4th
2027/9 OFC Nations Cup (New Caledonia): Group Stage
2031 Pacific Games (New Caledonia): 2nd
2031/3 OFC Nations Cup (New Caledonia):
-Semi Final
-OFC World Cup Qualifiers: Group Stage
2035 Pacific Games (New Caledonia): Group Stage
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Can finish skipping
Firstly, I applied to every single vacancy in the game. Nine teams came back to me with an interview. Three came back with an offer: Chennai City the most valuable at 1.2k a week. I signed up right away. My contract lasts 11 months and they want me to be mid-table in the league. Can’t be too hard.
Although the Hero I-League in which Chennai play is the second tier in Indian football, for some reason they don’t have the top tier, so I can’t get promoted. While I joined the club in the 31 July 2020, the first game is on August 1 in the Durand Cup, which the board don’t care about. We don’t even play a league game until January. My squad has 23 players, and there is no youth team, and I’m immediately flung into a transfer window, and I immediately sell one player. Thankfully my scouts find Kyle Richford from the Scottish non-league to play up front who I immediately snap up. We haven’t played a game since January, Richford hasn’t arrived yet, but our first game is in the cup away to North Eastern FC. A 2-1 win thanks to a penalty save and disallowed goal proves I’m a genius. Clearly New Caledonia are convinced, as they offer me a job at £3,300 a week, beating offers from American Samoa, Tonga, and Vanuatu, and some other youth teams. I can manage both a club and a country, so now the fun begins.
Someone with no experience earning 4.5k a week in total. Because I don’t care about this competition, I then make 11 changes against Aizawl and we lose 4-2. A loss in the next game means we’re out of the cup and there’s no games until January.
Meanwhile, I repay New Caledonia’s faith in me with a 3-0 loss at home to Vanuatu in a friendly, although we do win 3-1 in Kiribati on a pitch made out of sand. Two more friendly wins in October and in November the World Cup qualifiers start. Inexplicably, the board are annoyed I failed to reach the final of the OFC Nations Cup, despite the fact I didn’t actually take charge in any games in the competition. A 2-0 win over Tahiti in my first qualifier cheers me up, but we then lose 2-0 to Vanuatu. Given that only the top team qualifies from the group it’s looking ropey.
Meanwhile, I realise that Chennai’s squad is a bit crap, so sign all these new players. However, the transfer window doesn’t open to 1 January, and squad registration closes on 26 December, so I can’t register any of them for the new season. Fucking hell my team is atrocious, but I’m still getting paid. A lifeline is when crap midfielder Sriram Boopathi gets injured and I can have an emergency replacement in new signing Reynier Fernandes who is much better. I draw 0-0 away to Punjab who were heavy favourites in my first game. New signings Fernandes, Fernando Recio and Anas Edathodika are a brilliant defence but Richford isn’t all that and so we are the Indian Burnley, destined not to score and not concede. I go Very Defensive in the next game against CB, but we concede early. Luckily we get a penalty to go 1-1, but immediately concede one, and then we go down to ten men. At 3-1 in the second half I go attacking, and we play some nice football, but eventually lose 3-2. A 1-1 draw against minnows Palian Arrows is very disappointing after we give away another penalty, but the same result against leaders Tiddim Road is more inspiring. We then lose against Aizawl and Kashmir and we’re last. A 0-0 draw against Kerala gives me two big injuries including one to Edathodika, and we lose our next game to Delhi. A 1-1 draw with MDHN and a 0-0 draw with North Eastern follows, which means we are in the bottom half after the (Scotland-style) split. We are woeful up front and the first 2 games are a 0-0 draw and 1-0 loss. A 3-0 loss in the next game leads to a target: 10 points in the next 5 games or sacked.
Meanwhile it’s the international break, and Vanuatu lose to Tahiti. We get a 1-1 draw in our game and so it’s all to play for, although a 4-1 friendly loss to Papua New Guinea is not ideal. I come back and lose the next game 2-1 to Kerala thanks to a 94th minute header which relegates us. I blame the Indian league registration system. My 4-1-4-1 DM didn’t work well as Richford was a bit shit up front and I couldn’t figure out a way to get goals regularly. I only won 1 game, the first in charge, but it doesn’t matter as I fleeced them for about 60 grand while doing it.
Inexplicably, I haven’t been sacked, and not only that, and Indian football seems extremely glitched, as it hasn’t set up new fixtures or even relegated me. I don’t know what’s going on right now. In fact, the board don’t let me go on a coaching course (as there are no fixtures scheduled) because it might lead to a “better club” coming and getting me. Hmmmm.
Anyway, it’s time for the end to the World Cup qualifying group. Tahiti play us, then Vanuatu, and we’re both on 4 points, Tahiti on 3. We need to beat the Tahitians, preferably by a big goal difference to win the group and advance. A penalty is the difference as they win 1-0, and mean we finish bottom of the group. I’m still not sacked, and manage the team to a 2-0 friendly win over Samoa.
Finally, on 15 July, I get sacked as Chennai City gaffer, 3 months after my last game. In that time, I’ve fleeced them for £60,171.43 and got them relegated – exactly what this playthrough is about – and I also learned “Basic” Hindi, even though they speak Tamil in Chennai. I reckon I’ll just focus on New Caledonia for now.
Mkbw50
I then get paid for nothing at all until September as I don’t bother to arrange a friendly until Tuvalu come knocking, which is exactly in the spirit of the series I think. We win 2-0. So in the year 2022 I have been paid £171,000 to show up, take charge of one game, and fuck off. I am also now fluent in French.
Mkbw50
There is a gruelling schedule with a game every two days. Our first is against American Samoa, a game we have to win. We do, with Lues Waya scoring a first-half hat-trick and a penalty save making it 3-0 at the break, although American Samoa came back and we had to grind out a 3-2 win. I tweak the formation to a narrow 4-4-2 diamond as we don’t have good RAMs. My other striker had an assist, 4 key passes and a match rating of 7.5, so I’m asked to explain his “bad day” in front of goal in a press conference. Two days later we’ll play leaders and hosts the Solomon Islands. Unbelievably, the team grind out a 2-1 win despite being extremely tired, and they’ll have to play again two days later against Tonga. Again, I pick the same team as this group has very little for error, despite the risks. The team play dreadfully and we lose 1-0, despite some nice football near the end when we’re desperate. We get a three-day break before our next against Samoa, the group is now wide open. We join the Solomon Islands and Tonga on 6 points, Samoa and Tahiti are on 4, and American Samoa are on 0 after each team has played 3 games. I only make an enforced change due to a suspension for the Samoa game, a like for like swap at left-back. We play badly again, but we are still the better team and we grind out a 1-0 win. Three days separate us from our last group game against Tahiti. The Solomon Islands and Tonga both draw, which means a win against what are technically our compatriots would guarantee a win. Meanwhile, Vanuatu win Group A and Papua New Guinea come second. We play the last game, and basically, if we win we come 1st, if not we come 2nd. I revert back to the team who played against American Samoa, the Solomon Islands, and Tonga. I should stress no player has above a 3-star rating.
We score in the 2nd minute. We then concede in the 2nd minute. We go 2-1 down before half-time, and then 3-1 as I’m forced to go Very Attacking. I try to bring the DM up to play up top in a 4-3-3, and despite a corner goal, we lose 3-2 and will be playing Papua New Guinea for bronze. This means my job is now a bit insecure. Apart from an enforced change, I stick with the tried and tested as if this was the real Pacific Games, getting a bronze medal would still be kind of cool, as it’s like the Olympics (but shit). We are the better team (both are shit) but don’t score until the 80th minute. However we concede in stoppage time from a corner. In extra time they are better but we get a goal (and have two disallowed) from a brilliant assist from the LB I brought in cause of the suspension. 2-1 and a bronze medal, my job is saved. I believe I can do nothing for another year or so until the Nations Cup starts. If you’re wondering, the Solomon Islands won the final on home soil, beating Vanuatu 5-4 after extra time (it was 2-2 after 90 minutes).
Mkbw50
We don’t play until 2024 where I beat Kiribati 5-0 on the sandy pitch. Meanwhile, we draw New Zealand, Tahiti, and Vanuatu in the OFC Nations Cup, their version of the Euros/Africa Cup of Nations (etc), which doubles up as World Cup qualifiers. The top two go to the semi final and top 3 go to the World Cup qualifiers next round, with just one game against each team. The FA want me to reach the final. We play awfully, lose 1-0 against Vanuatu in the 88th minute and I throw my first bottle. The injury of star striker Lues Waya before the tournament cost me. We now need a really good result against hosts and kings of the OFC region New Zealand. Obviously I want to play conservatively and frustrate them, but they score in the first minute from a free-kick. We fight hard but lose 2-1. A draw or win against Tahiti should at least keep our World Cup campaign alive, but we won’t get out of the Nations Cup group stage. I keep the same tactics as they dug in vs New Zealand but suspensions and an injury means I need to fiddle round with the players a bit. We win 2-0 which probably saves my job.
We draw New Zealand and Papua New Guinea in the World Cup qualifying group: each team plays each other twice and the winner advances. My job is “Very Insecure” right now as well. The FA doesn’t seem to have any expectations for the qualifying group as we have New Zealand in it. A 1-4 friendly win in The Cook Islands is nice especially with Waya getting a perfect hat-trick in the first 18 minutes and an assist, although their goal was embarrassing
Mkbw50
March finally comes around and we will play New Zealand and Papua New Guinea. A dreadful first half-performance sees us 4-0 down at the break and we lose 4-1. The FA still don’t seem to mind as they think we are “competitive”. The yellow-card suspension of Trabé and Kirvin Kirtawa make the potentially job-deciding game against Papua New Guinea harder. 1-0 down, the injury of Kutran (my only RB with Trabé suspended) makes me go fuck it. I change formation to 3-3-2-2 as the game doesn’t matter anyway and it’s worth a go. We play better but are vulnerable at the back: at 3-0 I change to Very Attacking but we lose 5-2. However, 2 goals from Yohan Boa give me a positive. A dreadful result but still, the FA give me a “C” in the qualifiers, added with the Nations Cup “D” gives me a “C-” in competition performance and therefore my job is “Stable”. There are 2.5 months worth of pay anyway before the last game against New Zealand. I make 6 changes from the PNG game and we play well and lose 1-0 with Waya spurning a couple of good chances (although the All Whites also had plenty other opportunities to score).
I’m still nowhere near getting sacked and, with nothing to show for it this must be the best scam in history. The fact I was drawn with New Zealand means the FA had no expectations and with the whole thing probably going to get wiped I’ll survive until at least the 2028 Nations Cup and 2030 FIFA World Cup qualifiers. Meanwhile, my reputation is up to 1.5 stars, and if I keep slowly building it up who knows where I’ll end up. Also, with no competitive fixtures until the 2027 Pacific Games, I’ve got lots more money to earn for doing nothing.
Mkbw50
Mkbw50
Next is a friendly in Kiribati which we win 9-1, with each goal being scored in the first half. I then draw New Zealand, the Solomon Islands, and Vanuatu in the draw for the 2028 OFC Nations Cup Second round in Tahiti. Lues Waya, who scored five goals in Kiribati gets injured before the competition. The same rules apply with the top two going to the semi final and the top three going to the World Cup qualifiers. The FA want us to get a minimum of second. Then, Noam Trabé gets injured as well, but he still gets included in the squad. The loss of Waya, who has 27 international goals in 26 games will be big.
For the first game against New Zealand, the tactic is the same usual 4-1-2-1-2. We lose 2-0 including a needless penalty but we give a good account of ourselves, and despite being completely dominated Lionel Thanaena misses three golden chances I just feel Waya would have tucked away. I also get Trabé some minutes off the bench but Djemali picks up a knock. Trabé’s full return for the Solomon Islands 3 days later means I can move Hnasselen Kutran into DM and Michel Roger up to CM, improving the squad not just in his own position. I lose 2-1, completely outplayed and Yohan Boa missed a golden late chance. Cyril Drawilo’s early injury didn’t help and the goal that won it for them was a lucky own goal off Kutran. Out of the Nations Cup, we need to beat Vanuatu and hope New Zealand beat the Solomon Islands with a GD swing of 3 to keep our World Cup dream alive. Trabé’s injury will take him out of the squad. New Zealand win their game 2-1, meaning we will have to win by 2 goals or more, but not 2-0. With Trabé out we revert to the team that played New Zealand. We draw 0-0 in a dire game in which Vanuatu were better. Remarkably, and somewhat inexplicably, I’m not sacked.
Mkbw50
In 2030 nothing happens but we do host the OFC U19 Championship, and the U19s beat New Zealand 4-1 in our first game, but then lose 6-4 to Vanuatu AET in the semi-final. Wtf happened there? Another interesting saga happens with goalie Steeve Guibe. One of the few players to play outside New Caledonia, playing for Finnish top-tier taeam KPV, he never got a game and thus I dropped him from the squad in 2023. It’s now 2030 but I still get emails about him “being unlikely to get a call-up” cause of his lack of game time every so often. He wanted to leave and has now gone AWOL from training for two weeks in a row. 2030 has been a bad year for Kutran who spent 6 months out with injury and has now picked up another 4 month injury at the start of 2031.
We beat Fiji 2-0 despite having less possession in a friendly which sets us up nicely for the 2031 Pacific Games in Samoa. We draw American Samoa, Cook Islands, Fiji, New Zealand U23s, and Tahiti. No Dokunengo, Djamali, or centre-back Louis Wamia though as they are not based here. The FA want us to reach the semi-final, which doesn’t exist of course, but basically I need a top 2 finish in the group.
Our first game sees us beat Tahiti 5-2, we go 3-0 up early on and though they pull it back to 3-2, a brilliant long-range effort from Cyril Drawilo coupled with a hilarious own goal settle the nerves. Two days later, we play the Cook Islands, and I change nothing: it’s a wise decision as we win 4-0. Two more days separate us from American Samoa, my 50th game in charge: not bad for the 2 million quid the FCF have given me. I make no changes: why would I the way we’re playing? A 2-0 win puts us in great position and we have three days’ rest before the game against New Zealand Under 23s. The suspended Marvyn Hernandez is replaced by Arnaud Pages at DM, to keep things fresh Arnaud Berthelot is replaced by Grégory Dubois at CM. Cyril Drawilo gets sent off early and we fall 2-0, putting the group wide open. We pick up quite a few yellows too, and I’m not sure where this bad discipline has come from. Drawilo and Nicholas Andre are suspended for the match against Fiji, with NZ playing later only a win can guarantee progression to the gold medal match. Hernandez does return though as does Berthelot. We go 1-0 down early but equalise, but then Hernandez gets a straight red. However straight after half-time we score through Lues Waya and I go Very Defensive for the rest of the match. We hold out with ten men and are in the final. We will play the Solomon Islands in a repeat of the 2011 final. They have been in imperious form beating every team they play by 3 or 4 goals in the group. As well as Hernandez, key midfielder Michel Roger is suspended for totting up yellow cards. Andre and Drawilo return though. Unfortunately it’s a bridge too far and we lose 3-1, but a very gallant effort.
Mkbw50
Mkbw50
Mkbw50
Mkbw50
After some time away from this save I return to this save: before I left I played a friendly (a 1-0 loss to Vanuatu, apparently), and the Nations Cup was drawn: New Zealand, the Solomon Islands, and Vanuatu join us in Group B. A 1-0 loss to the Solomon Islands in the first game doesn't bode well, and it's all on the game against Vanuatu to keep the World Cup dream alive, especially after we lose 4-0 to New Zealand. We need a win to have a chance of a) reaching the semi-final and b) staying in the World Cup, and in the former case by at least three goals. A 3-1 loss ends a dreadful tournament. Inexplicably, I'm still not sacked.