Jahn Regensburg, are a legendary German powerhouse hailing from I think Regensburg but I'm not 100% sure. Famed for their uhh, Checks Wikipedia, multiple Bavarian Cups and Bayerliga titles, their reputation is unmatched. To be completely honest, I just clicked the pick a team for me button with my eyes closed, and I just said fuck it and chose these guys after a few runs through. Don't expect this to last very long because I have a fear of commitment, and will not commit to finishing this at all. I am also designing my own tactic for the 1st time, and am honestly praying that Sensei's Knap and StephenHK have taught me well, which I doubt they have because I am not that bright. I know nothing about Jahn Regensburg, and I intend to keep it that way. Much my like my forefathers in America, I intend to slaughter any and all tradition this club may have as I establish them as something in-between a force and something to be reckoned with. If you haven't already gathered this, my series is not for the faint of heart. There will be blood, sex, and lots and lots of suffering. Join me as I say “Fuck It” and manage Jahn Regensburg.

Pre-Season/September (Transfers, Tactics, and a Tantalizing Start)

Tactics (The Iceburg to my Titanic)

To start off our inaugural update, I show off my tactic. I created this tactic in like 10 minutes during an old save I got bored playing. This is the first FM in like 5 years that I haven't called upon the great Knap or StephenHK and oh boy does that scare me. I've seen a few 4-3-3's this year, and I normally hate Defensive Midfielders buy wanted to try it out, so I manufactured this tactic. I call it Salat al-Janazah, which is the muslim prayer (something I expect to recite multiple times this season). One last thing to note, this isn't what my starting 11 is gonna be all season. We have a lot of injuries leaving the preseason, so I expect this line-up to shift as soon as players get healthy. I'm not gonna post the full squad until after the transfer window closes, which will most likely be next update, and I'll go into a bit more depth

Transfers (Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and love Installments)

While I thought my club was set up decently well for success, there were definitely a few holes I needed to patch (I use dollars because I don't want any €uropean currencies on display in my American Household, and salaries per year because I feel a lot smarter when I get my players salaries down 50k p/a than like 900 p/w). We lacked any competent strikers that play the Complete Forward role and our midfield depth was shaky at best.  However, with a limited budget, I knew I needed to think outside the box, until I realized the most obvious solution, Debt! Living my American Dream, I abused FMs clauses and installments and absolutely assaulted my budgets, and dug myself into the red like a newly divorced dad having his midlife crisis. On that midlife crisis theme, I'll be comparing all my signings to Midlife crisis purchases. Without further ado, meet your new Regensburg players

 My first signing was fellow warrior of freedom, Joe Scally. During my first recruitment meeting my chief scout pointed out a lack of right back depth, something I agreed with and one of his recommendations was Joe here. The moment I saw the great flag of the USA on his player profile, I knew we had found our solution. Without even scouting him, I offered the other Borussia team that has a long name to take him on loan for the season, an offer they accepted. When he signed however, I was shocked to find out that he only had 2 star current ability. However, I knew that my scouts forgot to factor the 50 stars (one for each glorious state in the union, and communist California) all American are granted at birth. In all seriousness, he's got massive potential and at 17 could be the youngest player in club history. If he develops well, we might have to break the bank for him later. In terms of mid-life crises, he's an exotic sugar baby girlfriend. She's young, fun, and always puts a smile on your face, but oh boy things could dicey and pricey.

Remember a few minutes ago when I said that we didn't have any competent strikers, well Brenner Marlos is our solution. To be honest, my options for this position were few and far between. I tried signing Ante Budimir, Taiwo Awoniyi and Gonçalo Paciência on loan, all rejected me in favor of sitting on the bench in their respective leagues. My remaining options came down to a 30 year old spaniard playing in the Segunda B, a Panamanian playing in Bolivia named Rolando Blackburn and this guy. While he's had the opportunity to play for some of Brazil's best, like Botafogo and Internacional, he's far removed from his peak and at 26 hasn't yet lived up to the hype. He spent last season in Thailand, but couldn't set the world alight. At 3.5 stars, I think he's got a decent shot to recreate his form in Brazil, but if he doesn't, my ass is grass. In midlife crises terms, he's the house you buy in the good zipcode that's twice the size of your current place, but it's way under market value and all the inspectors have made like Spurs in 2006.

Ahh, Alasana Manneh, how are you my sweet prince? In three previous saves, I have tried to sign you, and each time you said no. When you were at Barcelona and I was at Neuchatel Xamax, you said no. When you were at Etar, and I was in Torino, you said no. When you were here, and I was at San Jose, I said no this time because Yueill rejected Fiorentina. But, now we are reunited, back to where we belong. This guy is the star of our transfer window, a Gambian playing for the Polish equivalent of Burnley, and oh boy have I payed a pretty penny. If you didn't see earlier, this guy could cost me near 5 million dollars, a bag and a half for my small boys in the Bundesliga 2. He shattered our prior transfer records, and puts a bit of pressure on me to succeed soon. However, he fits my system like a glove, and at 22 with Barcelona DNA, I'm confident he works out. This guy's crisis purchase in brand new BMW M3. It's faster, nicer, and certainly bound to turn more heads than your pre Y2K Corolla, but if something goes wrong, your gonna get financially shafted.

One of my favorite features of FM, is the self recommendations in my scouting section. The thought of some 20 year old kid named Abdul from Kuwait, telling Barcelona to sign him because he scored 2 goals in 2018 just seems so absurd. I'd say 95% of these recommendations are utter shite, but once in a while, you'll find a gem. In comes Lucao, the answer to my Striker depth question. At 20, I can develop him into a quality Complete Forward, and with 4 Star+ potential, I have a feeling we may hear his name more. This guy is the Asian Massage parlor. Sure it might not be cheap, and in a part of town you don't visit often, but it's got 5 stars for a reason.

Another recommendation, Brandon Ndezi, comes in to further improve our midfield depth. While he doesn't quite have Lucao's potential, Ndezi seems promising and plays both Defensive Midfield and Midfield competently. I absolutely love French midfielders, and I expect Ndezi to play a decent bit this season. I hope one dat he can become my Kante. This guy is a Louis Vuitton handbag. Sure, your mates might laugh at you for using it, but it's French

Our wingers were quite weak entering this season, and I felt that we could do with some upgrades. Wilfried Kanga is somewhat of a solution to those problems. At 22 years old, he's certainly got potential to be mainstay on my team, and right now I'm already expecting him to light it up. He comes from Turkey where he played decently this season, and in real life, he signed for Young Boys, so I consider this signing a bit of a coup. This man is a brand new Weber steel grill with 5 separate burning chambers and a hydro-mercurial internal thermometer built in. Yeah, it is as cool as it sounds, and all your mates love, just got to find the button to start it!

I'm sorry to the real Oliver Bautista Meier, you don't seem like a bad guy, and if you're ever in the area, dinners on me. I do not like this signing at all. I only signed him because we were linked to him and my small monkey brain said “ooooh Bayern”.  I felt a wave of regret immediately after signing him, and in the brief span of this season, he has been a pain in my ass. Every fucking match, my ASSman is like, “Oliver Bautista Meier's ability COMMANDS a place in the team" and I'm like shut the fuck up. He's a jack of all trades tho, so he has that going for him. In terms of Mid Life Crises, he's your wife's tennis coach, because he's fucking your family in more ways than one

To be Honest, not sure why I signed Mateo Flores, I'm pretty sure it's cause he's Bolivian, but I don't really know. He's a striker and I doubt he will ever play for us.

He's like a pen you pick up from your bank, it's just there.

Matches (Like the kind you burn bridges with)

Well, with all my work, how did the first set of games go?

BOOM! Not one loss, baby. Call me Jose and send me to Portugal, cause I'm the Special One now BITCH! Granted I didn't actually manage any of the friendlies, therefore I won't be talking about them, but the actual games

Not much to say about game 1, we played a non-league side in the Round of 64, and played decently. 31 shots and 2 goals is concerning, but considering my players were complacent from about the 25th minute, it's to be expected. Gives me faith though that my tactic wasn't just a shot in the dark. We also fielded a side with no starting Wingers and maybe 1 starting midfielder, so this just felt like a glorified friendly. Reluctantly, I'll agree with FM here and say the MVP is Max Besuschkow, who was consistently involved.

Match 2 on the other hand. Orgasmic, no other way around it. Everything went splendid. Our goalie made 3 excellent saves and never played in any weird positions. Our defense was practically a rock, and no counter-attacks could get started against us. The Midfield knew where to be and what they needed and every pass was crisper than Walkers and Smoother than Suave. We completed like 90% of our passes, more than I could ask for. But the Attack, oh the Attack. This game was merciless, Brenner and Kanga matched up like no other attack partnership in history. Brenner is the easy MVP, and was unstoppable tonight, he's one of my favorite strikers on FM this year already. Our backup wingers Yann George and Aygun Yildirim, came in and both scored within minutes. I have never felt this confident about FM since the time I brought Messi to Arsenal. Instantly, images of promotion flashed before my eyes. The cup draw was the next day and I felt really confident we would make a run and even upset some Bundesliga minnows. The day of the draw comes and …

Arguably the world's greatest club. My confidence was shot and any dreams of a Cup Final victory were dashed. I picked up my big red nose, rainbow afro wig, and giant shoes and left the club draw dejected. I headed into the next game against Paderborn, a formidable side and hoped for the best.

I want to say we got FM'ed, but honestly we sucked ass. Yeah Paderborn only had one shot, but honestly we only had 6 real shots the entire game and one was on target (a slow shot from Brenner straight to the keeper). I've never been more bored watching a game of FM in my life. I'd say the MVP was prolly Jan Elvedi, our backup centerback who got a 7.4 rating on his season debut, he's earn his start.

The next game followed in the fashion of the prior game, boring and dry and annoying. In all honesty, until the 50 something minute, we deserved to be crushed. Our new signings stunk, and the game only started to turn around when Jann George got subbed in. The rest of the team (minus Guwara, and towards the end Wekesser) did sprints until they were either subbed off or the game ended. We really could've won this game too, but we didn't turn on until the last 30 minutes, which unfortunately wasn't enough time. George has to be out MVP, but that isn't saying much this game. To make matters worse, our next game was against Schalke, one of the overwhelming favorites to get promoted, who still had multiple stars, including Natasic, Harit, Mascarell and Kabak. My only hope was that we wouldn't get crushed

We Won. Yes, you heard that right, we won. The team that couldn't beat St. Pauli or Paderborn, beat Schalke. This game was 20 minutes of non-stop attack from both teams, followed by 70 minutes of every single supporter of Jahn Regensburg praying in unison for the defense to not screw up, certainly not an easy task. Honest to god, it was dicey at times, especially with the Terodde goal that got called back (I nearly cried watching the ball hit the net), but we held on. Honestly, MVP has to go to Leon Guwara. Yes, Kanga scored and played a crucial role in the 1st goal, but Guwara was our defense here. Every tackle, every counter, he was at the heart. God bless you

Conclusion

It seems my journey has been pretty smooth thus far, zero losses is never something to be ashamed of. However, October and November are always dicey for me in FM, especially the latter month, which seems to lead to a series of painful misfortunes. Thanks for reading all of this, and I hope you enjoy so far. The next update will be out soon, I've played through the month already, so there won't be that much of a delay!