The Journeyman Jock - Order a Killer

‘Oh I know them’ Baz said enthusiastically

‘Corse’ ye’ hav’ sloppy bollocks’ the Doctor said before adding ‘lemme guess hinny, they played Stranraer one pre season when you were there’

‘Aye we did, couple years ago, they brought their firm over to Stair Park, we beat them 2-1’

‘Why ye’ lyin’ for’

‘Get to fuck. Their mad heads caused a huge fight outside the south stand, loads of arrests and I heard 1 kid died’

‘You’re so full of….’ I cut the Doctor off before this turned into another 4 hour long argument

‘Listen, whatever I don’t care. This Oviedo team have made an offer to buy Juan, and as fate would have it he wants to join them’

There was a bit of a sombre (great word) silence between the 3 of us. Without a word being said we knew what this meant, and that was the clubs best center half would be leaving for a second division team. The question would be how much could we get for him, and could we replace him

‘I reckons aroon’ 170 grand you could milk em’ for’ the Doctor said to break the silence

‘How did you know what I was thinking?’

‘Divven't nah, ah’ just do’

‘Right, but we need to get a replacement in, I know the teams been poor at the back but Juan is clearly the best we’ve got and we need…..’ this time it was Baz cutting me off

‘Killer’

‘Ah’ not now Baz man ah’m sick of playing fuckin’ pool with ye’ it’s ah’l we’ve done since we’h got here’ the Doctor said angrily

‘Not killer the pool game ya’ prick, Killer, Jamie I think his real name it, he’s my pal from back home’

‘Who’s Killer?’ I asked, not really knowing what to expect or even if I wanted to hear what Baz was going to say

‘Oh he’s sick mate, absolute unit of a center half. Played at Elgin in division one for years but had to leave last year’

‘Do I want to know why he’s called Killer?’

‘Dunno, do ya’?’

‘Yeah I guess’

‘Well he’s called Killer cos he’s a fucking physcho, I mean he’s like a Graham Souness, Joe Jordan and Roy Keane illegitimate love child. Bloke just loves to fight, loves a 2 footed tackle and drinks 4 cans of McEwans special brew before every game’

‘Right, and he’s the kind of player we need in a team looking to avoid the drop?’

‘Aye corse we do. He’ll scare forwards shitless here, he’ll get the best out of the other defenders here an all you watch’

‘And he just happens to be available and, actually why did he leave Elgin?’

‘The details are a bit sketchy but remember Runner Ups’ last fight against that bloke from Iceland?’

‘Yeah the fella with the afro?’

‘Aye, well Runner Up lost that fight (I just shook my head at that) and after the ref stopped it all hell broke loose at ringside, and I’m not privy to the details but it’s something to do with a a mop, a bottle of sparkling water, some dodgy bets and a woman’

‘That’s it?’

‘Yeah, that’s all I know’

‘Bollocks, you do know you just don’t wanna tell me’

He rolled his eyes, I know that he knows exactly what happened, he wouldn’t tell me so I said ‘right whatever, we need a cetner half get him on the phone’

‘Oh no need, he’s in Ibiza right now’

‘Well isn’t that just convenient eh’

‘Yeah Jock it….’ I cut him off

‘I was being sarcastic. Please don’t tell me you’ve already told him he’s got a job here?’

‘Whaaattttt? As if I’d do that Jock’

‘You would, why is here in Ibiza, at the exact time I’m having to let my best defender speak to another club, at a time I need a defender, the fact he is a defender, oh and not to forget in fucking Janaury! The absolute worse month for a holiday to Ibiza!’

‘He’s here on a 18 to 35’s weekend break’

‘It’s fucking Wednesday Baz!’

‘Aye an he’s stayed here’

After they left the room I reluctantly accepted the offer from Real Oviedo for Juan Antonio Ros. We managed to agree on 170k, plus 40k after 40 appearances and 30% of the profit of his next sale. He’d told me he wanted to speak to them and I didn’t want this to turn into an issue this early on in my time here, so I had to let him go. In my mind come the summer I’m going to be prioritising a center half anyway, and we’re well underway with that as my main target is being scouted already.

My plan was now to get Killer, also known as Jamie Duff through the door. I’m not expecting any fireworks, just a solid center half that’ll help us defensively, and really, he’s just coming in to see this season out, secure survival and then from the summer we push on.

After seeing him in the medical he put me off wanting to try and break through and score, and all I was doing was watching him train! The physio was speaking to Cesar, our fitness coach and he says Jamie has no fitness issues but is probably a safe bet to get suspended, but I figured he’s as good a choice as I’m going to get at the minute. Ibiza is known for it’s holidays not it’s football team, not yet anyway, so until we get this club moved away from the wrong end of the table and pushed on I doubt we’re going to attract much better players than Killer. He knows he’s signed an 18 month deal and will feature heavily this season, with next to be worked out when we secure survival.

I wished Juan Antonio the best as he made the move up a division to Real Oviedo, for 170K which is my biggest sale as a manager. We’ll get another 41K if he manages to make 40 appearances and a bit of money from any profit if he gets sold, so not too bad a deal financially, and based off how the team have performed up until now, is it that bad a deal that he’s leaving? 

Killer’s registration wasn’t done in time for the visit to Prat for our first leg quarter final match in the cup, and we missed the presence at the back. Hernandez started with Sanchez, as Aragão wasn’t fit to play, and we looked poor. 2 first half goals for Prat sent us on our way really in the tie. We did match them from the second goal but never looked like winning the game. Barco pulled one back with 3 to play to give us some hope in the second leg.

I berated the team after the match, Cesar doing his best to translate words such as bawbag, feartie, nyaff, doolally and boke. The silver lining being we’ll have Killer ready to make his debut in the second leg, and young Aragão I will make sure is fit and ready to start, and Barco is in form so hopefully can add to the 4 he’s scored in the last

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - Ibiza calling

‘Quatro quatro dos lads. Yous back quatro just stay back and do nout flash, yous quatro in the middle run around like loons on fet and never stop, and you dos big units up top bury the ball every chance we get, simple right amigos’ Baz was saying to the players as we were putting the finishing touches on our warm up prior to our cup match.

Ebro, a team I don't think I’ve ever heard of came to the island looking to take advantage of the 1-0 aggregate lead they got before I got to Ibiza. This is a fresh start for me, but this group of players, bar the young lad from Madrid in defence, have all played enough times this season and I’ve told the players this is a turning point for all of us.

As I don’t really have much of a clue about each players strengths and weaknesses other than a handful of reports from the 3 remaining members of staff and a few scathing posts online, I let captain Omar Hernandez assist me in picking the team, although I tell him it must be 4-4-2. Next season will be a variation of this based on our transfer targets, but for now it’s the tried and tested set up of 2 banks of 4 and a duo up top.

The idea was just play simple football, not that many, if any of the players in the Spanish third division would be very technical anyway

The game kicks off and you wouldn’t believe me if I said this team had lost 8 on the spin. They looked confident passing the ball around, a few poor touches here and there but nothing to be concerned with. And when I say passing around, I mean they were long passing like when you hold L1 and circle on Fifa, but we played well and deservedly took the lead after 11 minutes. A perfect cross rom the left from winger Calvillo, David Grande let the ball come to him inside right channel, took a touch and placed it by the keeper.

I praised the lads and told them not to let up and the message got across I think. Right sided winger Cristian Herrera found himself cutting in onto his left foot but drove centrally, Grande this time going out to the left as his strike partner Mario Barco went to the right, both taking a defender with them. When Grande’s marker decided to go for Herrera, our winger laid it off to Grande who hit it first time and buried it, 2-0 on the day, 2-1 to us in the tie and looking comfortable.

We kept pushing on not looking like a team in the bottom half of the league or a side that's lost 8 on the bounce either. As Barco wanted to get in on the action he peeled away from the defender who not only lost his man but lost his cool as he pushed Barco in the back. The ref did look at the lino who had already waved his flag and gave us the penalty. It would be the easiest decision the ref had to make all game

Mario Barco pulled rank on the pitch as he waved Grande away despite being on a hat trick., but Hernandez was stood near the touchline and told me Barco is the usual penalty taker regardless.

Barco didn’t even take much of a run up and thumped the ball home. 3-0 to us 3-1 in the tie after 26 minutes.

‘Piece of piss easy this Jock lad’ Baz quipped as we added a fourth to the game, Barco linking up with a neat 1-2 with Grande just inside the box and he lashed the ball home to give us a 4-0 lead heading into half time. ‘Made the right choice coming here I reckon’ he also said as we made our way into the dressing room

I asked Cesar Vicente to translate for me as I said ‘‘How is this team in the bottom half of the league?’ I started before adding ‘that was rhetorical lads, we’ve been absolutely fantastic!’ Cesar spoke in  Spanish as I finished up with ‘just play without pressure now, even Runner Up can’t spoil our chances of wining this one, erm, leave that bit out actually Cese’. Cesar smiled awkwardly at that but sent the boys back out on the pitch.

We did change it up a bit, as we swapped Hererra and Calvillo around and told the boys to lower the tempo. Both Grande and Barco had chances to seal their hat tricks in the game and in the 74th minute Barco did just that, as Grande played him in from the right, Barco took a touch on his right to steady himself, let the defender commit to closing down, as he did Barco opened his body and curled the ball left footed to the near post. Now I’m not taking anything away from the goal or the hat trick, but no keeper worth his salt should’ve been beaten that easily at his near post. I’m not complaining as we ran out 5-0 winners in the game, 5-1 on aggregate to progress in the cup

After the usual post game talk and congratulations, I looked up Mario Barco's report and up until today he’d managed a return of 4 goals in 26 games, and managed 3 in this to take his tally to 7 in 27. The front 2 are just about guaranteed to start every game, Barco and Grande are the teams only out and out strikers, and going by todays showing they linked up really well and can easily play together

Cesar told me the previous manager was fixated on playing 1 up top without really creating much from midfield meaning either forward was left isolated a lot of the time. I get the feeling that these 2 have been crying out to be played in a 2 up top formation and that they’ve shown they can easily do that for us from now

We’re drawn against a team called Prat, no that’s not a typo, in the quarter final of the cup. And if we play like we did today consistently I’ve got no worries for the rest of this season.

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - The party island

On the morning of my first day at the club, I sat with Baz and Mark and had a look at how things had been going at the club

‘Struggling I think is the best way to put it Jock’ Mark said

‘Agreed. But I’ll never say no to a challenge’

‘No, me too, this is why I’m here, I am sure we can have a positive impact here'

‘I’ve read a bit online about the team, seems there’s commitment issues and a toxic environment’

‘How you playing it when we get there? Baz asked in a confrontational way I’ve seen from him too many times before.

‘Firm probably, no point fannying around’ I said and pulled out the team report and said ‘looks like the clubs got a lot of problems on it’s hands, but between ….’ Baz cut me off

‘Problems are our specialty pal, let’s see what we can do to solve the problems in Ibiza eh’ 
 

'Aye' I said before continuing with 'that's easy for you to say, being the loveable fuck up of our little crew' he didn't bite, I wouldn't have expected him to in any case, and with that the 3 of us left for the stadium.

As I walked onto the pitch at my new home ground, Can Misses, the players were all waiting for me, their new boss. I walked over with a swagger in my step, a Yankees cap on backwards, a Tommy Vercetti style shirt, opened up of course, a pair of jean shorts and some Adidas sandals. Baz was wearing a Straraer training top, because it's blue he said, and Ibiza play in blue. I didn't wanna argue with him. Mark was all business, in a smart polo, chino's and brown shoes.

‘Buenos dias mi agios’ I said, smiling. ‘Me, Jock, el grandio plan is in progressio’ I said before chipping a ball up with my left, doing 3 keepy uppies and then volleying it toward the nearest goal. As it came down it pinged the crossbar as it went towards the advertisement hoardings of a local brewery and I said  ‘See. Me. Mucho good’ in that stupid dumbed down way us Brits talk to people whose first language isn’t English. No reaction from my new team.

I looked around at them all, looked at Baz and Mark who just shrugged so I said ‘right, fuck it, yous don’t know me and I sure as shit don’t know any of you lot. What I do know is you’re pissing this season right up the fucking wall and I aren’t coming here to get relegated. You best buck your ideas up and buck em’ up quick!’ Baz turned to Mark and I heard him ay ‘fuck yes my guy’ Mark just shook his and put his finger on his lip to shut Baz up.

One of the remaining members of staff, fitness coach Cesar Vicente, speaks in Spanish towards the players, and a few of them look back at me in a sheepish sort of way, and 1 of them, I didn’t catch who spoke to Cesar as I made my way over to Baz and Mark.

After having a quick chat with them 2 I asked Cesar ‘what did they say?’

‘Oh you know, they like you, they believe in you, they don’t care that you fixed matches before, that kind of thing’

‘You’re kidding, right?’

‘Oh no no no they fully on board Jock’ Something tells me he’s lying.

As a club Ibiza haven’t been going for too long. The last club liquidated some years ago and this new version of the club has been going since July 2015. They were promoted via the play offs last season much like San Marino were prior to my joining that club. This season hasn’t gone to plan really, hence the previous guy getting the boot and the task of securing survival being handed to me. We sit 15th of 20 in the league on 27 points, with a 3 point cushion from the relegation places.

Going forward doesn’t cause me too much of an issue at the minute. The team has scored 32 league goals in the 21 played, which is only 5 off top place Benidorm who have managed 37. At the back the team have conceded 33 in the 21 league games which gives us the best goal difference of the bottom 6 teams. But the 8 losses in a row up to me coming in is what worries me.

The last win came on 1st December last year, it’s the 25th of January 2020 now! But due to international friendlies taking place we’ve had a few weeks break since the last game, a 4-5 home loss. However if we look deeper into it, the team have only conceded 1 goal from set plays in all competitions so far which is the best in the country no less, silver linings and all that. We’re also still a part of the Copa Federación de España, which is just like the Copa Lega Pro I won in San Marino last season, the lower league cup, although we are losing 1-0 on aggregate to Ebro.

From meeting the players I went and spoke to Antonio Navarro, who is the clubs chief scout, and he introduced me to the rest of the staff, well the staff that didn’t leave when my predecessor was sacked. With most of my staff joining me from San Marino, we do have a vacancy for a goalkeeper coach which I’ll touch on another day, but the club has retained the services of their head of youth development, the manager and a coach for the under 19’s. I speak to the head of youth development first, Ellman Orellana who is from El Salvador and speaks really good English. I tell him he’ll be working with Luca Carboni, the director of football who has come with me and then we outline our plans for the development of the youth players. Aitor Ramos and Oscar Martinez, the under 19’s manager and coach respectively, are also part of the conversation about developing the youth players this season. Weirdly or not, but Oscar is also from El Salvador.

Antonio is also informed of his working with Luca from now on, although privately I toy with the idea of bringing my own chief scout in at some point. But for now we’ll see how things go.

Back to working on the team, as Gerard had told me prior to me joining the club they’d signed a very promising center half by the name of Adilço Aragão, on loan from Real Madrid no less. He’d told me he had some business dealings with people at Real and had a good working relationship with some important people there. I wouldn’t be moaning about the club making this particular signing, I’m curious if we can get any more young players on loan from them in the coming transfer windows! I just hope in my new boss, and future new boss when the takeover is complete that neither start selling any players without my consent.

Young Adilço reminds me of Davide Murelli who I signed in San Marino, although this kids a lot better already! He’s the same sort of height at 5 feet 10, but whereas Davide could jump and is aggressive,  Adilço is more technical and looks like a ball player defender. I’m looking forward to working with him, and if he goes on to play in the first team at Real Madrid I could say I had a hand in his development.

As for other players in the team, we’ve got a decent set of central midfielders in David Hinojosa & Sulayman Marreh, although I’m not sure if they’ve been playing as well as they could be due to the poor league position and run of form.

Filipe Marques is another central midfielder who is on loan from Rayo Vallecano and from what the renaming staff tell me he’s probably worth giving a shot in the first team, he’s not going to be much worse than the players ahead of him that have played much of the season already.

With the couple of loaned in players the club actually boast a hot prospect on the books, in the form of right full back Franco Acuña. He can play on the left as well, is pretty quick, can put a decent tackle in already and has team player written all over him. That’s about it though and he’s going to need some work to really improve and get into the line up consistently

I inform Luca and Antonio of 2 players I want to be scouted fully and properly with the intention of being signed in the summer. Before those 2 assignments got underway Antonio confirmed the club had already signed a young player based on the head of youth developments recommendations. Before seeing this player and the report, I let him know that the responsibility of signing youth players now lies with Luca. I know I can trust his judgement and any that he’s not sure on he’ll speak to me or Mark anyway.

The player in question is Dikembe Mbomio, a full back from Equatorial Guinea, who we have signed on a free transfer. Do we need another full back? Maybe as back up for now. Naturally left footed but is competent in a lot of positions, he’s quick and has a great first touch but that’s it as far as ability goes for now. I’m sure Ellman and the other youth staff I’ve brought with me here can improve young Dikembe, as well as the other youth players here and who we’re likely to be signing in the coming months.

I let Mark and Baz take training and let me know their thoughts ahead of our first game in 2 days time. The return leg of the second round of the lower league cup, against Ebro. We’re losing 1-0 on aggregate but this will be a good first test for me as I start the next leg in my career.

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - No tellin' where this felon is headin'

I looked out of the window as the plane finally touched down on the tarmac, the echo of the wheels hitting the ground thundered through the cabin. ‘We’re here, we’re finally fucking here’ yelled Baz in an excited way I don’t think I’ve ever seen out of him. Even before I got off the plane I could tell the weather was scorching hot. My cheap shirt, Yankees cap (worn backwards) and Nike shorts would be doing the bare minimum to stop me sweating in the coming heat.

The club had arranged transfers from the airport to a housing complex not far from the stadium for me and my staff. By the time we’d landed and made it to the houses I was dripping buckets ‘I’m sweating like a blind lesbian in a fish market here man’ the Doctor quipped before adding ‘when we off the boozer than? I’m hangin' for a pint like’

‘Soon man, we’ve only just got here’ I said and adding ‘I need a shower, to get changed and we’ll have to meet the people from the club at some point too’

‘Ahh to bollocks wi' yous lot I’m off’ and he dropped his solitary duffel bag and left the room.

I got to the stadium, a short 5 minute walk from the house, and it wasn’t much to look at really. Slightly bigger than the San Marino Stadium at 4,000 seats, exactly 1,000 more than my previous home ground, it looked to be in okay shape, although the groundsman I met on my way in had told me, in broken English, that the ground hasn’t seen much glory over the years, even before this club was formed from the remnant of the previously disbanded team.

I wasn’t about to get into the history of the club, not yet anyway, so I left the guy to his sweeping and made my way into the stadium via a door with a sign above it that read jugador del equipo local y entrada de personal. My limited Spanish picking up jugador as player and entrada as entrance or entry.

This wasn’t a job I took on for redemption or even career progression at the minute, in all fairness it was probably a sideways step, leaning slightly down. I left San Marino in the third division in 7th place in group B of four groups. I was joining a team in the Spanish division, so the same tier in a different country, and also in the league’s group 3 of 4. Although they sit 15th upon my arrival, 3 points above the relegation zone.

I was asked in a Skype meeting upon accepting the job what my career aims are. Right off the bat I said I want to manage Motherwell. All young lads want to play for the team they support, and as a manager I’m no different. The incoming chairman had said ‘before then, you’ll need to build your name up, tell me, coming into the club I am going to be running before the end of the season, what do you think you can do with the team based off what we’ve told you?’ 

I thought about it for a few moments, and thought of the things Alexa had told me before having this interview. Buzz words like project, development, prosper and sustainability were mentioned and Alexa had convinced me the incoming leadership team as they’re known, would be building this club up for success, and I answered bluntly by saying ‘well we need to survive relegation first’. This appeased the new boss, he then said ‘and then what? What does season 2 look like to you? How will you build the team? Have you any plans for tactics, or transfers in the coming seasons?’

‘Ideally I want players I can trust, and that will improve this team’ was my first answer ‘people like Severini and Anibal who are key players for me in San Marino, they’re both good enough to come here from the end of this season and push this club on towards progression’ not really expecting that to be expanded on, I was shocked when the new boss replied

‘You think a promotion challenge is in reach for next season?’

‘Absolutely’ I said without hesitation but with a silent hint of doubt. I’m at a point in my career where I answer people with things I think they’ll want to hear. A bit of naivety on my part possibly, but I’m still being investigated for a crime I didn’t commit. I continued ‘I thought about it before attending this meeting, and if I don’t aim to get this club promoted, or if I’m just happy being a secure third division team then what will the players think? No one will put any effort in, no other players will want to join if we’ve not got a clear direction’

As a team this club had danced a bit too close to the flame, singed by the lure of night time antics, nefarious activities and quick cash at the bookmakers this place is known for, so the outgoing chairman had told me privately, and 1 of the few reasons he was selling was because he needed the money and could no longer afford to fund the clubs progression. The incoming chairman called the current board a motley crew of yes men and sycophants. But he assures me, as did Alexa, that the new board members coming in are there to ensure the club is in the best possible hands to make progress. I was a bit cautious that I’m leaving working for a chairman with money troubles to coming in and working with another with money issues, despite this new boss of mine being temporary and leaving before the season ends.

I didn’t want to, but I felt obliged to ask him about the match fixing allegations I’d been caught up in. He was gracious enough to say ‘I agree with the San Marino chairman, you’re innocent until proven guilty, but we want you as the first team manager based on your football credentials, not your reputation in the media’ I wondered what these credentials were, surely a lower league trophy in Italy wouldn’t be enough to be classed as credentials?

But from having that initial meeting a couple of weeks ago to today, I found the boardroom eventually, and walked in. The current chairman Antonio Perez was sat there, as was the soon to be installed chairman Gerard Hernandez. Antonio welcomed me with a hand shake said ‘welcome Jock, I for one am happy that you’re here, and look forward to you steering this club away from relegation, in time for Gerard to come in and progress the club forward’

He didn’t look anything like I was expecting. He was a shorter man than me, wearing a shirt fully unbuttoned and balding. He was maybe in his early forties I guessed. ‘I’m happy to have been offered the job, thank you both’ I replied with a smile

‘Your staff are with you?’

‘They’re here, mostly. Settling in at the minute. We’ll meet up and start things properly tomorrow’

Gerard then said ‘I’ve told you this already, but I’ll say it again. I wanted someone that could achieve things with a modest budget and keeping expectations to a manageable level. I like what you did in San Marino, taking a no hope club away from relegation and winning the cup. I liked that you have had the team in the playoffs all season so far. It is convenient for me that the chairman there has money worries that would affect your job there’ I didn’t really know what to say, so I just smiled, and he continued ‘I’m not expecting overnight success, but you seem to be able to get a team of no named players and turn them around in a short space of time. I can assure you that we’ll support you all the way and realise the dream of taking this club places’ Another person I didn’t think looked anything like what I was expecting. He was as tall as me, skin sun tanned from years in Spain and a face that looked carved from granite. I felt I was going to get along with this man.

We went for a short walk around the island, a place I’d never been before. I was taking in all the vibrant colours and the salty scent of the Mediterranean air. My old man had told me that the island was a contradiction, a paradise masking a battleground. How? I asked him. He said the line between right and wrong in that place is as thin as a game of Chinese whispers. I didn’t push him on it any further. He just said congratulations on getting a new job, but wished it were somewhere more reputable and less of a negative environment.

We walked down some windy streets opposite plenty of sun soaked and sandy beaches, I was already planning my first day off down there on the beach. I noticed a nightclub called The Velvet, a spot I’m sure the Doctor has already earmarked as a destination we’re going to be frequenting.

Gerard said ‘now that it’s just us, I want you to know I don’t normally put as much faith in people as I have with you’ his English as close to perfect as can be for someone whose first language is Spanish

‘Why am I so lucky?’

‘Alexa and her colleagues, the ones who helped set up my purchase of the club, they think very highly of you’

‘All that about my credentials, that was bullshit?’

‘Oh no Jock, I meant what I said. I do rate you as a manager and do believe you’re going to take this club, my club to the next level. If you go on to become an elite manager and move on for better things, I am sure you’re going to leave the club in a better place than it was today when you arrived’

‘I’m flattered, and honored actually. I’ll give everything I’ve got for this team. I need success as much as you’

We left it at that and went our separate ways for the day. I felt leaving him that afternoon that our relationship, and time at the club is going to be a success, match fixing allegations be damned. But I was here now and ready to get to work. I went into a corner shop for a can of Red Bull, and as I made my way to the left side of the store, there was one of those little metal newspaper stands you see outside newsagents in Scotland that read:

El Escocés acepta el puesto en Ibiza y habla el presidente entrant

I translated it on my phone as Scotsman agrees Ibiza job, incoming chairman speaks. 
 

Ibiza, the party island of the world, where hedonism, constant drug use and bad vibes are rampant. And it’s where Jock McGhee is about to start work.

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - What will be, will be

‘I’m still not sure’ I said, still wrestling with the idea of more change ‘if it is the right thing or not?’

‘There are pros and cons to every one of life's moments’ he started ‘and for any person in any job, especially for every football manager there’s the job that makes you, the one that gets your name out there and gets you recognized as the new shining star of the job I’m sure. The job that you do well in that shows you’ve got the sagacity, the aptitu….’ he was cut off

‘What tha’ fuck does sagacity mean?!’ the Doctor quipped

‘Shut up ya’ doss cunt let the man finish’ Baz said angrily

‘It means wisdom, something young Mister Robson lacks’ the man said looking at the Doctor as Baz chuckled. The man carried on ‘as I was saying, there’s that one job that shows everyone you’ve got the aptitude to make you stand out from the rest of your peers’ he took a moment, had a sip of water and continued ‘it seems as though the job here in San Marino was that job for you Jock’

‘Right, but no one will look at it like I did a good thing here, or at Etimesgut because of the f*cking match fixing sh*te’

‘Ahh but one has to look past other people's feelings, and keep his own at the forefront of his mind’

‘Heya he’s proper radgy this auld gadge in’t he Baz’ the Doctor said whilst picking up a book and taking a look inside it

‘Pass us that here’ Baz said and snatched the book, then said ‘ahh the Bible, I’ve read this one, the guy comes back at the end, don’t he Father’

‘Nice one Baz y’uve gan and spoilt it fur us ya' prick, ah wa’ gannin’ to read tha’ on the flight ower’

‘Corse ya’ were you silly twat, you can’t even read!’

‘Gentlemen, I believe we’re here to discuss with Jock and the move over to Spain?’

‘Aye corse Father my bad, but I’m going too like, I’m on the coaching staff’ Baz said in a look at me sort of way, the same way a child does when they’ve done something good, like a paint by numbers picture

‘Aye, and Mark, and Luca and Matteo, they’re coming an a’hl’ the Doctor said and carried on ‘cannit forget the boy Armando can we, he’s a pure loon Father he’s joining us on this mission, Marco the center half turned scout he’s comin’ ah’long fur the sesh, the Turkish lad an a’hl, cannit remember his name help us oot Baz’

‘Emre?’

‘Nah he’s stayin’ he’s been made chief scout, the other fella, short gadge with a temper, great hair, howay man you know who I mean’

‘Nah can’t say I do Bob’

‘You mean Zafer?’ I said trying to get the conversation finished

‘Aye that’s him Zaffa he’s comin’ with, an’ the 2 youth team lads they’re comin’, oh how can I forget Raymondo he’s comin’ too, he said I owe him a thousand Euro for a game on Fifa tha’ other week, we did 100 Euro a goal, I let him win 10-0’

‘Yeah right, he smashed you I was there, you were Newcastle and he was Bristol City, remind me when we get there to play you on it again you’re terrible’

‘Lads shut it will ya, this is our last day here, make the most of it eh’ I said, and as I did they got up and left the pews in the church of Saint Peter.

‘Now, where were we?’ Father Domenico asked and continued on ‘I’m not going to try and change your mind, or try and justify your decisions my son, but this job, from what you’ve told me is more like a project than just another job’

‘It is that. The lass that sorted it for me, she reckons there’s change coming, and by the end of the season there’s gonna be things in place to get the club promoted’

‘Well then treat it as such. San Marino could be the one that got your name out there, positively or not, and this new job could be the job that shows you have the mental capacity to take a role on anywhere, as evidenced in your working in multiple countries, that you have the get up and go, the drive to make you stand out from everyone else. This could be the one that makes you Jock’

I spent a bit more time with the Father in the church, more out of curiosity than anything else, and by the time I left I thought leaving San Marino was the right thing to do. While discussing the job with Alexa and the board at the club in Spain, it was apparent that this would quite different from my time in San Marino.

Alexa had told me the club would be getting taken over by someone else before the season has ended. The reason for this, she tells me, is that the new ownership are going to be doing everything they can to get the club promoted, and the incoming chairman, on the back of being recommended to him, has had his eye on me for the past 6 months.

As we’ve been doing well in San Marino is just a coincidence I’m sure, but the fact that I’ve been wanted is certainly pleasing, considering what’s been going on.

Before leaving for the church I said my goodbyes to the San Marino players and the staff that wouldn’t be making the move to Spain with me. I had the players all line up for 1 last match instead of training. We didn’t do any tactics related stuff, or fitness or anything like that it was just a straight up game, I swapped players around here and there and it was fun just watching the boys have a kick around with no pressure.

As the game ended I shook every players hand and spoke discreetly to a couple who might be interested in coming with me. Obviously not very ethical and probably could be classed as tapping up, I just thought why not ask on my way out. The main 2 I asked were certainly intrigued by the move as well as a couple others, but nothing could be done until the summer. I knew leaving here and rocking up in Spain I’d have to deal with the team already there, and transfers would have to wait until the end of the season.
 

The rest of the afternoon went by in a blur. As part of the process of me leaving San Marino and joining my new team, I was asked by the current chairman, with input from the future chairman and board members about bringing my own backroom staff with me. At first I thought nothing of it, but Mark had said he’s coming with me & Baz, no matter how hard I’d try and lose him he’d find a way to tag along. When I had explained to the rest of the back room staff why I’m leaving and that the chairman is in money troubles, most of them in San Marino wanted to come with me for the next job. The list of staff joining me is:

• Mark Jaul - assistant manager
   
• David (Baz) Barron - first team coach
   
• Matteo Padovan - first team coach
   
• Raimondo Taras - first team coach
   
• Mirko Stefani - Under 19’s coach
   
• Alessandro Signorini - under 19’s assistant manager (current San Marino U23’s assistant)
   
• Luca Caboni - director of football
   
• Marco Gorzengo - scout
   
• Armando Perna - scout
   
• Zafer Sercek - scout
   
• Silvio Viligiardi - head of sports science

There were a couple of reasons why I wanted to bring just about the full team with me. The first idea was that I wanted people with me I can trust, so Mark and Baz fit that bill, Marco was a key player last season and became a scout for me so he can be trusted. Regarding Matteo and Raimondo they were at San Marino when I joined but we forged a great working relationship, and I wanted coaches that knew the tactics and the way I want training to be structured. We’re going with the 4-4-2 set up right away in Spain, I’ve looked at the team and already know my starters for the next 6 months. From the summer though, well that’ll be explained as we move on, things will be somewhat different.
 

Mirko, Alessandro and Luca are going to be in charge of the youth system when we get there. There is money to spend but I want to be able to work with the youth players and get them prioritized (Moneyball innit!), and having both of my youth team staff looking after them I can be confident. Luca is also going to be in charge of the scouting side of things as well. And as for young Silvio, well he sort of just turned up 1 day with the Doctor and said he’s a sports scientist, and he gives us regular reports on injuries and rehab and stuff. He’s a nice kid and I felt bad not asking him if he fancied coming along, so that’s why he’s joining us.

Finally, other than Baz and Mark who have both said they’re coming with me no matter where I end up, the rest felt coming with me would be the best thing for them personally and financially. Stefano came and spoke to us all before we did leave and confirmed he’s got money worries and that’s why he didn’t put up much of a fight for us either, and get this, all of us had some compensation paid for our services due to having time left on our contracts so he got money from us leaving! 
 

I do think, and I say this with a heavy heart and a guilty conscience, San Marino are going to struggle. Not only because I’m leaving but because there’s no direction if the chairman is going to constantly spunk the money up the wall. It does give me an idea for summer recruitment though and I know which players have expiring contracts and release clauses, so more on that as we get through the next few months.

But for now we leave the club in a much better place than it was 18 short months ago when I signed, to pastures new.

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - It was all a dream

I opened my eyes and the first thing I noticed was how bright it all is. I managed to stand up and find where the light was coming from so headed in that direction.

After a few moments or so I got to a set of gates with a sort of desk in front of them, and a small guy sat behind the desk who looked up as I approached

‘Name?’

‘Jock McGhee, who’s asking?

‘One moment’ he said and turned and looked at something I couldn’t quite make out entirety but looked like a stack of papers.

After 20 seconds or so he turned back around and said ‘ahh yes here we are, John McGhee, of Edin….’

I cut him off and said ‘erm, no pal, I said Jock not John’

‘Oh, my mistake. One moment’ he said with a smile and he went back to his stack of papers, then came back and said ‘right, sorry, Jock McGhee, account manager from 

Scotland’

‘What? Account manager, no I’m a football manager’

‘Accounts, football, what difference does it make now, eh? He said laughing and pointed ‘through the gate, last door on the left but don’t go peeking down the forbidden stairway’

‘Right’ I said and went through the gates. As I passed the first room on the left I couldn’t stop myself from looking in. I had a hard time believing it at first but I saw Homer Simpson laying back on a mattress, or was it a fluffy sofa bed? With a remote in his hand saying ‘cloud goes up, cloud goes down’ over and over whilst the fluffy sofa bed was going up and down in time with his words. 

At the other side of the room I noticed a sign that read - LANDMARK 1 of 12 and an arrow pointing with the caption FOUNTAIN OF YOUTH. I looked at the way the arrow was pointing and the fountain of youth looked an awful lot like a kiddies water slide.

After that I walked by a coffee machine where 2 guys, clearly older than me were talking to each other, the shorter of the 2 I heard say ‘dammit Gordon no one wants to here your stupid Vietnam stories!’ to which the other, Gordon presumably said ‘shhhh will, you canny go around saying things like that’ ‘Why not’ the other quipped ‘Nam’s done and dusted ain’t it.

I walked on and saw a sign that read LANDMARK 3 of 12 and an arrow pointing to my right, which was pointing towards another room. I read the plague and it read ELYSIUM’S PETTING ZOO. I looked inside and there was a child riding a unicorn, Spyro the Dragon was letting other kids stroke him and I even saw a Griffin getting a belly rub from someone that looks like the guy from the Witcher games. As I walked on I also noticed a set of stairs on my right that was closed off with a red stop sign with the words HALT NO ENTRY printed on it, and couldn't stop myself walking closer to get a look

‘Told you not to look’ the guy from the front of the gates said as he appeared out of nowhere, like Leb usually does.

‘Sorry, couldn’t help myself. What’s down there?’ I nodded toward the blocked off stairs

‘Oh that’ he says, hesitating ‘that’s where you go if you don’t get accepted up here. It’s a long way down’

‘Right, where are we again?’

‘Not in heck that’s for sure’ he said laughing

‘Right’

‘Can’t say what the mortal’s usually call it, where the red guy lives. The boss doesn't allow curse words up here’

'Okay, what happened to the second landmark? I passed the first and there’s the third’

‘Oh that, it’s in for repairs’

‘What is it?’

‘The halo hula hoop park. One of the dancers got a bit carried away when Freddie came by for karaoke night, and well, it’s out of action for now’

I just nodded, not really knowing what else to say  as I carried on walking, the short guy following me, and made our way to the last door on the left. This one was a bit less elegant than the others that I’d passed, and it just had a sign on it saying NEW ARRIVALS in blue ink. We went in and the guy sat behind the desk in the room and pulled out a laptop.

‘Remind me, McGirk wasn’t it?’

‘McGhee. As in Mc Ghee’

‘Right, John was it?’

‘Fuck sake mate, no, Jock. J-O-C-K’

‘Whoa whoa whoa, don’t say any curse words, you’ll get sent down there’ he said shifting his eyes left to right ‘if the big guy hears ya’ you’ll know about it’ I just composed myself as he pulled out a box from the under the table, rifled through it and said ‘right you are, McGhee, Scottish, account manager. Looks like you had a long career here’

‘Right, yeah I did, I guess’

‘So pig farming eh, in Oklahoma in America’

‘America?

‘Yes, United States of, to be precise’

‘I’ve never been to America, but I have been in some states hahaha’ I said, no reaction from the guy. ‘Get it, some states? Some absolutely tragic states an all. Come on man you must get it’

He didn’t look amused before saying ‘Tragic accident it says here. What happened?’

‘Never been pig farming, been on some chicks you could call a pig, but never as a job’

‘Okay, maybe the trauma has erased that part of your memory and that it's.…’

I cut him off ‘whoa hang on pal, my memory hasn’t been erased’

‘Okay, well I need to go over your file before I can let you in, procedure you know, you get it I’m sure’ not waiting for a response he continued on ‘so you had some big contracts, spent a lot of money, other peoples money of course, being an account manager’

‘Well transfers and agent fees I never pay out my own pocket, not on principle I just can’t afford it, but then again when we signed Sanogo I don’t know what went to his agent, I didn’t know much about that deal anyway but it worked out alright in the end’

‘And this slight blemish on your record, the one about financial mishaps, can you shed any light on this?’

‘Oh aye, nout to do with me that one pal. The only transfer fee I’ve spent so far is on the young lad Murelli, signed from Fiorli and what a boy he is’

‘I’m not sure what that relates to in your file, it just says there has been some unanswered transactions during your career that never got cleared up, down there I mean, so we need to get to the bottom of it really’

‘Ooooh you must mean the match fixing bollocks right I’ve…’

Cut off ‘The swearing must end John, otherwise I can’t let you through regardless of your record’

‘Right, sorry, and it’s Jock not John’ He nodded and wrote something down so I carried on ‘I never had anything to do with fixing the games. My pal, the Doctor, Bob Robson he’s probably in your file as, he was apparently behind it in Turkey but he wasn’t. He’s a waster and a wreck head but he can’t fix a decent cup of tea so he definitely couldn’t fix football games. Mark and Baz, my 2 most trusted colleagues they definitely weren't in on it either’

‘Okay, so you’re denying all accountability for the laundering of government funds into and out of Langley, Washington?’

‘I’ve told you I’ve never been to America. Also you keep calling me John, are you sure you’ve got my details right?’

‘Yes I’m absolutely sure. Let’s go over then together’ he took a moment then said 'just nod for correct or shake your head for incorrect to each of these questions.

I nodded

‘John Albert McGhee’

Shake

‘Arbroath Scotland’

Shake

‘3 children’

Shake and a look of anger on my coupon

’Married 4 times to 3 different women’

Shake

‘Interests include trains, Tupperware and vintage Primark brand clothes’

A lot of head shakes at that one

‘Right, let me just check with the girls on this, 1 moment’ and he went through the door to the back of the desk. It was about a minute, minute and a half before he popped back through and said ‘okay, the big guy will see you now’

‘Right on’ I said and walked through the door. The next room was deceptively big. The door was only small but the room opened up and I saw a throne about 30 yards in front of me, a guy was wearing a pair of neon purple shutter shade glasses, like those Kanye used to wear before he turned weird, a wife beater vest, his arms had tattoos all up them, a pair of black shorts and a pair of Lacoste sandals on. I couldn’t make out his face but he said in a strong Geordie accent NOW THEN BONNY LAD. NOW IS YOUR TIME

I thought here we go again, it’s the bloody Doctor and another of his antics, but the figure in the chair said YOU SEEM TO HAVE PLENTY OF WOMEN IN YOUR SHORT LIFE. 4 MARRIAGES TO 3 WOMEN. YOUR CHILDREN HAVE DISOWNED YOU AND YOU WERE EXPELLED AND BARRED FROM 5 FOOTBALL GROUNDS. I WILL NEED CONVINCING OF YOUR…..

I cut him off ‘whoa there pal. Firstly, I ain’t got any kids, none that I know of. Plenty of people have disowned me though. Second, I haven’t been married and don’t intend to, not any time soon, I’ve not been barred from any football grounds that would make my job quite hard wouldn’t it’

WHY WOULD BEING BARRED FROM A FOOTBALL GROUND MAKE AN ACCOUNTANTS JOB HARD?

‘I’m not a fucking accountant! I’m a football manager, and before this little episode I was on my way to a new job in Spain’

DON’T USE LANGUAGE LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF YOUR MAKER

‘Sorry’

IT’S OKAY. THIS IS A LOT TO PROCESS.

‘But I’m a football manager, nothing to do with accounts’

OKAY LET ME CHECK SOMETHING

He disappeared from the throne but came back 2 moments later

IT SEEMS THERE HAS BEEN A MISTAKE. NEW ANGELS IN PROCESSING. WE HAVE TO GIVE THEM ON THE JOB LEARNING NO TIME FOR ANY CLASSROOM STUFF. LOTS OF NEW ARRIVALS DAILY. YOU ARE JOCK MCGHEE FROM MOTHERWELL CORRECT

‘Aye’

OKAY. I AM CHECKING THE RECORDS HERE. FIRSTLY, NOW IS NOT YOUR TIME. BUT MY WORD WE DO HAVE A GOOD ONE COMING IN WHEN YOUR TIME IS UPON YOU

‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

IT SAYS HERE AFTER YOU LEFT SAN MARINO YOUR CAREER REALLY TOOK OFF AND YOU WERE…

I cut him off ‘whoa don’t tell me what happens after San Marino! I’m just on my way out and I've not even started in Spain yet

MY BAD. IT DOES LOOK GOOD THOUGH. COUPLE OF RED MARKS HERE AND THERE. A LOT OF UPS AND DOWNS. OH I BEST NOT READ THAT PART OUT LOUD JUST IN CASE YOU STEW ON IT

‘Appreciate it, so can I get going now? I’ve got a plane to catch’

OH YES PLEASE DO. WE WILL SPEAK AGAIN THOUGH JOCK. NOT FOR SOME TIME BUT WE WILL, EVENTUALLY.

And with that I left the room, woke up in my flat in downtown San Marino, Baz was yelling ‘get up ya’ prick, we’ve gotta make that stop before we head off to the airport!!’

== == == == ==

Scotsman under investigation leaves Italian league side, reaction - ESPN Europe

Jumped or pushed? Match fixing probe continues in Italy as accused coach leaves San Marino based team - News of the World online

Motherwell native leaves club job amid match fixing rumors, refuses to comment - Scotland Today

Opioid painkiller and steroid distribution among the charges aimed at match fixing football coach who has finally been relieved of his duties as manager - MONDA Italia

Scot, born and bred in Motherwell, who we believe is innocent of rumors leaves current job, new job already lined up - The Motherwell Chronicle

Disgraced football coach travelling to Spain for new job - MARCA Sports

The Flying Scotsman has landed in Spain to take on surprising new job - East Scotland Fitba online

The Scottish Mail. Rory Simpson reporting.

Unknown Scottish football manager Jock McGhee has recently left his post as San Marino Calcio (football club) manager. The club, whilst based in San Marino, plays in the Italian league structure, much like Cardiff and Swansea of Wales play in the English league pyramid. The official word from the club is that Jock and the board had come to a mutual agreement, however sources close to the club have given conflicting information.

One source claims McGhee had been sacked due to mounting pressure from the Italian Football League regarding the ongoing match fixing scandal and other allegations aimed at McGhee. However another source close to Mister McGhee and his staff claim he left of his own accord due to disputes over transfer fees. Another source, apparently close to both parties say it is a mixture of pressure on the board which is now being pressed onto the manager and his staff, as well as the recent transfer of star player and leading scorer Vamara Sanogo to French side Dijon, and lack of investment which has caused the shock dismissal / resignation.

Shocking that it may be to some of McGhee’s leaving, although it was probably coming, claims Reggiana manager Leo Mechinini. San Marino had gained promotion to Serie C last season and were widely tipped to go straight back down. However shrewd transfers from the club, most notably the aforementioned Sanogo, to go with loan signings of Mirco Severini (from parent club Cesena), Fillipo Berardi (from Rimini), Guinea international players Pavel Vieira & Anibal on free transfers, to go with the signing of Jock McGhee as manager and his back room staff meant the club finished in 14th, well ahead of the automatic relegation places.

To go with the league survival Jock McGhee pulled off a real ‘Cinderella Man’ story as the club won the Coppa Italia Lega Pro, which can be likened to the Italian version of the Johnstones Paint Trophy in England, or the Irn Bru League Cup in Scotland, beating Reggiana in the final over 2 legs with an aggregate score of 4-5.

Despite the rumors of match fixing following Jock McGhee as he left Turkish side Etimesgut in June of 2018 to take the San Marino job, the club were praised for their performances in both the league and cup last season. The Italian FA have denied to comment on whether they did their own investigations into the match fixing allegations, although from what has been reported there is no hard evidence to confirm McGhee has indeed been involved in fixing matches.

There are also rumors McGhee has either taken performance enhancing drugs (PED’s) himself or distributed them to his players, this has come up in Turkey only and not in Italy or  San Marino, as well as being involved in a narcotics distribution ring. Again nothing has been proven on this count and is still just rumor and innuendo. Both accusations are still being investigated by the relevant authorities.
 

If everything is taken into account from his start as a manager in July 2016 at Northern Ireland club Bangor, to his dismissal / resignation from San Marino in January 2020 the argument could be made that his leaving isn’t all that surprising, though his rumored next steps might be. His timeline as a manager reads as follows:
 

• Hired by Bangor July 2016
   
• Sacked by Bangor June 2017. Club finished third in the third division, missing out on the automatic promotion place as well as the promotion play offs. Knocked out of the lower league trophy in the semi final.
   
• Hired by Ankara, Turkey based team Etimesgut FC August 2017
   
• Etimesgut sat fifth in the league heading into the winter break in December and are considered to be overachieving, leading to allegations online that some of their games had been fixed
   
• Jock is seen mingling with members of a Turkish political party multiple times over Christmas 2018 and New Year 2019. Rumors of match fixing start to pick up around this time although nothing explicitly relating to McGhee yet
   
• January 2018 the match fixing allegations are made public, with teams in Turkey, Spain, France, England and Greece being targeted
   
• Jock McGhee was interviewed by the FBI and Turkish police in February 2018. Nothing further comes from this interview at that time
   
• McGhee resigns suddenly as Etimesgut manager in June 2018. The team finished a respectable fifth but lost in the first round of the play offs to Aydinspor FC over 2 legs
   
• Almost as suddenly as his resignation from Etimesgut, McGhee is mentioned in various press releases across Europe as being involved in a narcotics distribution ring, as well as being involved in the political scene in Turkey which ties into the match fixing allegations. No comment from McGhee or Etimesgut at this time
   
• Jock is hired by San Marino Calcio in June 2018, newly promoted to Serie C in Italy, the third tier. Some reports say no due diligence was done on his hiring and that the ownership of the club is linked to the allegations aimed at McGhee. Nothing official is released to counter that point from either the club or McGhee
   
• At some point between being hired by San Marino and New Year 2019 Jock is apparently interviewed by the police, it is not disclosed if this is the Italian or Turkish police, as well as the FBI. No official comment from Jock or his employers on this was ever released
   
• 24 April 2019 was the second leg of the Coppa Italia Lega Pro and San Marino draw 2-2 away to Reggiana, but win the tie on aggregate 4-5 to win the cup. Jocks first trophy as a manager
   
• Jock McGhee and his first team coach David Barron are arrested by Scotland Yard in Aberdeen to be questioned about the match fixing allegations. Both are released pending further investigation, although neither are on bail or charged at that time
   
• From being arrested in May 2019 to January 2020 Jock remains out of the public eye in regards to the match fixing allegations. The San Marino squad is complemented with new signings, and they go on to sit 7th in the league in January 2020 and looking a safe bet to finish at worst in the play off places in Serie C
   
• January 2020 Jock McGhee is either sacked by or leaves San Marino of his own decision, depending on which source you read

Considering the above timeline, one assumes Jock to be a bang average football manager, however he has improved each season up until his leaving this month, but he does so with an ever growing spotlight around him. The spotlight in his case is a light of negativity and disturbing allegations, which beg the saying there’s no smoke without fire. A handful of Jocks former players have commented publicly on his leadership and management abilities and the general feeling is that he is liked by his players.

There are however a number of positives to come out of his short managerial career. Success stories from his 3 and a half years as a manager up to now include Fatih Aktay’s consistent goal scoring form in the 17/18 season. His 24 league goals helped Etimesgut to that play off finish, although this stat is tainted by the match fixing allegations. Aktay has gone on to first division side Osmanlı FC (managed by Patrick Vieira)  since leaving Etimesgut, not replicating that goal scoring form from his time with McGhee. In the time since leaving Etimesgut to January 2020 he has scored 8 league goals.

Emre Ozturk had a career resurgence under McGhee at Etimesgut as he posted his best season as a player, stat wise in the 17/18 campaign. He managed 18 goals and 20 assists. He joined McGhee at San Marino and was named the clubs vice captain and was a key part of the 14th place finish.

Ugur Turk played on loan from 1860 Munich to Etimesgut, scoring an impressive 9 goals in 13 games and has gone on to be a regular in the 1860 first team, managing 17 goals in 34 games last season and is currently on 12 goals in 21 appearances this season.

Vamara Sanogo, at the center of McGhee’s leaving San Marino has felt the biggest impact from McGhee’s management. From joining from Polish side Legia Warsaw to leaving for Dijon in France, he has played in 77 games and scored an eye watering 55 goals. Unfortunately for him this gained reputation, much like Aktay’s is soiled due to the match fixing allegations. If Sanogo, or Aktay for that matter can replicate this goal scoring form without McGhee will remain to be seen.

Anibal and Pavel Vieira are both regular Guinea international players since making the move to San Marino. Anibal scored the equaliser in the first leg of the cup final, and Vieira has played almost every possible minute under McGhee in San Marino since joining the club shortly after McGhee.

Mirco Severini, a squad player in his previous 3 seasons at Cesena & Santarcangelo is one of the reasons San Marino survived relegation last season, and along with Sanogo has been part of the successful first half of the season this. 2 goals and 13 assists, to go with 7 man of the match performances shows how good he has been under McGhee this term.

In closing, while Jock McGhee can still be classed as an up and coming manager at the age of 34, the fact remains is he has faced more negativity in his short career than a lot, if not most managers see in their full career. Match fixing, drug use and distribution, ties to political parties which may or may not be linked to the match fixing rumors are just the tip of the ever growing iceberg of this mans career. It doesn’t matter that he has won 35 of a possible 77 games in San Marino so far, or that the players that have spoken publicly like him and his assistant from his time in Turkey is still working with him now, and he has a loyal backroom team, the fact remains that bad press follow this man wherever he goes.

If the rumored approach from a club in Spain proves true, then the Spanish FA are implored to keep a close eye on that as yet unnamed club, as well as doing their own due diligence on this manager. His credentials aren't in doubt, at least not yet, it's everything else that surrounds him that is the issue.
 

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - One man's action, another man's reaction
 

‘How fucking much?!’ I asked Alexa again, despite her telling me three times already

‘But you must promise you won’t tell anyone Jock’ she said to me, a pleading tone in her voice

‘Well who does he owe, actually how does he owe that much money anyway’

‘Business loans for things like marketing, stock and so on. You don’t need to know, all you do need to know is he owes the money to quite a few people in Italy. People you really do not want to be upsetting’

‘Right, so fucking up his own teams chances by using money from it is gonna help him?’

‘It is a business he owns I suppose’

‘I get that, but what do I do? I can’t even be optimistic about keeping us in the play offs without Sanogo’ I said before adding ‘the tight cunts said only 23 grand is going back into the transfer fund from the sale’

‘I know that, that’s what I’ve already told you. I also said not to worry about a thing’

‘How can I not worry? If he’s taking things out of my hands and into…..’ she cut me off

‘He’ll do that until he’s paid his debts off. If you check your phone after this conversation you’ll see your name has been linked to a team in Spain’

‘I doubt Real are gonna wanna take me on’ I said trying to be funny

‘Not Madrid, not yet at least’

‘I’d turn Madrid down for Motherwell ya’ know’

‘I wouldn’t expect anything less, but the job in Spain is yours’

‘Right, there just happens to be a job opening up right at a time when my current role is up in the air’

‘San Marino just happened to come up when you needed it’

I didn’t know what to say to that comment other than ‘yeah I guess’

‘The team aren’t doing too well at the minute, although some of the players had lost faith in the boss who has just been sacked’

‘And my name is linked to a team there?

We spoke for a while longer and I kept thinking about what to do, so I told Alexa I’d think about it.

I got Baz and the Doctor together in the meeting room at the San Marino Stadium to let them know what I was thinking, and as expected Baz didn’t take the Sanogo transfer news too well
 

‘That little Mario and Luigi looking twat! He’s shafting us on purpose’

‘Aye Baz as I said…’ the Doctor cutting me off

‘Reminds me of that cunt Mike Ashely. Did ya’ nah he forced King Kev oot wor club cos of transfers an ahl’

‘Did I ever tell ya’s about the Stranraer chairman, he done summat to us with transfers one season too an’ all the cunt’

‘Aye Baz corse’ the Doctor started then said ‘ye’ just wanna get Stranraer into every bastarding conversation we have’

‘Massive club Stranraer mate’ 

‘Aye, aboot as big as Sun’lands under 9’s reserve side ya’ mug’ The Doctor said

Baz just rolled his eyes at this and carried on ‘so this new job then Jock lad, where’s it at?’

‘I didn’t wanna mention it, not yet anyway’ I put a hand up to stop Baz from butting in and continued ‘it’s change again. I’ve been here just short of 18 months, that’s the longest I’ve been at any job, not just football but my full life I don’t feel like I wanna just leave again’

‘But the chairman’s shafting us man’

‘He’s doing what’s right for the club. Without him we wouldn’t have a job’ I said trying to justify the chairman’s actions

‘Fuck him’ the Doctor said. Me and Baz just looked at him, waiting for him to continue

When he didn’t Baz said ‘well I’ve scuttled worse I guess. Are you being literal or not Bob?’

‘I swear yu’r the gayest straight gadge a’hve ever met!’

‘Right, look’ I said stopping these 2 from going at each for the next hour, which they’re wont to do ‘the job I’ve found, or has been found for me looks decent on paper but…’ Baz cutting me off as usual

‘Fuck it then we’re off. Where is it?’

When I told Baz and the Doctor both their eyes lit up like a kid at Christmas

‘You’ve got to be shitting me’ Baz said giggling

I shook my head and said nope. As I did they both started acting like little school children and started making plans for when we get there, what we’re going to be doing and how it’s all going to go, pretty much making all my plans for me. When I sat back down trying to decide what the best thing to do would be, Guinness had sat next to me, and I won’t lie I’d gotten use to not hearing Runner Up take a week saying hello that I’d forgot that Guinness was even here

‘You can’t be serious going there?’

‘Why not?’

He looked a bit uneasy before saying ‘well, I mean you with your, erm, issues like’

‘What fucking issues?’

‘Not issues, as in proper issues, I mean, it’s just you like getting on it don’t ya, and the amount of times you’ve got in trouble being spangled off ya' face on Molly or acid, especially with these loons here I mean’ he kept stammering between words as he tried to dig his way out of the hole he’d started digging

‘You sound like Runner Up stuttering all the time, sort yourself out you…’ I was gonna verbally assault him before he finally grew a pair and said ‘hang the fuck on ya' prick’ he stood up, I forgot he was nearly as tall as me, and with his red eyes and white hair he looks a bit menacing

‘I’m your pal right, not these 2 fucking low lifes (he nodded to the other side of the room) especially that Geordie fuck he don’t give 2 squirts of piss about you’

‘Fuck off ya’ pint of shit tasting beer’

‘Is that the best you’ve got?’

‘Obviously not, I’m just getting started. Go on say what you really think’ I was ready to start going for his throat at this point

He cracked his neck and said ‘As your friend, your only actual friend here’ I cut him off there

‘Sorry to but in, it is 1 of my pet hates, but if you’re my only friend how’s it taken you 3 and half years to come out here to me?’

‘You didn’t say a word when you fucked off to Ireland, I didn’t know you were in Turkey until the FBI went after you, me and Double 0 7 genuinely thought you were dead! The only time I’ve spoken to you since 2016 was at Stantons fucking funeral! The phone number we had of you hasn’t been used for years, you don’t use Facebook or Twitter. Anyway, back to my point’ He took a moment then said ‘The best way I can put it is like this. You’re a waster, Jock. A drunk. A substance abuser. A painkiller addict. Every time we used to see you’d be off your nut on some powder, or pill or whatever else. You’ve been ran out of Turkey cos you’ve been on it with that Geordie prick, fuck knows what Baz has even been doing here for the last 18 month other than getting steaming drunk out his brain every day and and fucking anything that charges a fee and that has a pulse. That Mark seems sound though, but it won’t be long before he sees you for what you really and gets a job at a club with a proper football manager that’s actually going places in their career’ all said with a venom I’ve never heard from him, and without taking much of a breath between words

‘Fuck me Guinness ya’ prick don’t hold back pal say what’s really on your mind won’t ya!’

‘Aye I will, pal, and I use the word pal loosely’

‘What the fuck has gotten up with you anyway where’s all this come from?’

‘You Jock, you wouldn’t know a good thing if it came up to ya, got it’s muff out and face fucked you for a week and said my name’s Betty and I’m a good fucking thing! How many people just happen to walk into football, management at that, and actually do alright at it? I’ll tell ya how many, none, fucking none! And you just happen, somehow I’ll never know, but you’re doing alright. Winning a cup with San Marino, San MA-FUCKING-RINO!!’ and he stood up and walked out the room.

I just looked at him as he left, and wanted to swing for this bastard, but you know what, he’s right. I am a decent manager, I’ve won more games than I’ve lost, I’ve taken San Marino from relegation fodder last season to cup winners and probably play off bound this season, despite the chairman now deciding to fuck me over with money.

I said all I could think of saying to Guinness before he left the room ‘Okay, you’re right. You’re always right, I get it now’ and walked the opposite way to him, passed Baz and the Doctor in the corner with a pen and pad out writing down things and making plans for when we leave here, if I actually do leave, and I sign on at my new job, and on my way to Stefano’s office, where I’d have a decision to make.
 

Do I stay or do I go?

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - The betrayal

We’d had a good first half of the season heading into the new year. We did have a bit of a bumpy time from November though, 6 losses in the 12 games from November to end of December which is a concern considering we only had 3 in the previous 14 games

With that said we’re good for a play off place heading into a short break despite being way off automatic promotion. Our 36 points are 24 off unbeaten Ascoli in first place, but we are still in the Coppa Italia Lega Pro, the quarter final no less, going up against Venezia at the end of the month looking to defend it after winning the whole thing last season. That 2 legged final is still fresh in my memory.

There’s a lot to be optimistic about too. Against Reggiana Davide Murelli got his second goal of the season as we beat them again to remain unbeaten against them in my time at the club. His first being the opener in a routine 2-0 home win over Alto Adige earlier in the season. As well as those 2 he very nearly could’ve had a couple more against Fiorli, the team we signed him from in the summer. The second goal he got was from a corner in the Reggiana win, an in swinger from Severini to the near post he nodded in. 

In the Fiorli game the opening goal went down as an own goal. It was another near post corner which Davide got his head to, just the same as the goal against Reggiana in the game after this one, but the ball came off the defender marking him unluckily for both players. The second own goal from the same game was slightly different, this time an out swinger from the right by Severini went to the far post, Anibal heading it back across goal and young Murelli hit it on the half volley. This shot, while it took more technique, positioning  and precision than the header, also took a deflection on its way past the keeper for another own goal. Unlucky on both counts but shows the progress he’s made already. 

Sanogo is on 19 in the league so far and interest in him is still present. We’ve agreed we’ll accept any deal that is at least 200k from Caen and he will leave in the summer, but surprisingly no offers had come in for him from Caen or China as was reported. That was until the morning of 13th January.

I’d noticed a headline saying Dijon had made an offer of 140k to us and that had been accepted by the club. I thought this is just the media doing their usual tricks or that it would probably be Sanogo’s agent making things up to get more interest in him, which would mean more money for us, despite us agreeing 200k.

I didn’t think much else of it until Baz came storming up to me at training yelling ‘the fucking chairman’s accepted the offer for Sanogo’

‘Calm down sugar tits, we’ve agreed he’s leaving in the summer, don’t worry’

‘Don’t worry ya’ bollocks! He’s accepted it for 140 big ones and the guys off this week!’

‘Get to fuck’

‘Nah go speak to him yourself’

I did just that. I wasn’t on the war path just yet though although I soon would be. I went to his office with the intention to speak with Stefano about the rumored approach from Dijon in France and the transfer fee being accepted as Baz had said.

‘Yes the fee was accepted late last night’ Stefano said in the most laid back I couldn’t be arsed tone I’d ever heard out of him

‘Why wasn’t I told or even asked about this?! We had a…..’ he cut me off

‘The fee is nearly triple what we paid for him, it is a great offer’

‘Aye it is, but I’d agreed we’d sell him for no less than 200k!’

‘But I’m getting my money back plus interest on the player’

‘Right, but 140 is less than what I’d agreed with Vammy we’d sell him for’

‘I need the, I mean the club needs the money now Jock, I can’t hang around waiting for sponsors to agree to deal with us or the money from the play offs to come in’

Annoyed I said ‘I get that, but come on man, we won’t get anywhere near the playoffs without him’ I knew I was clutching at straws here so I said ‘look, I lied to you and to Sanogo when I said I don’t think we’d win the play offs’ the look on his coupon changed at this so I continued lying through my teeth ‘I said that as a motivational tool, to get them to perform even better, I know we’ll get a top 5 finish to get home advantage in the play offs and ya’ know what, I’ve had an epiphany that we’re going to win it. We just need to keep the squad as is until then. Sanogo won’t leave when we’re in Serie B will he’ There it was, a lie, a lie fabricated from desperation. Your move mister chairman.

‘I can’t leave this offer out there Jock. I need the money from the transfer now’

‘Dijon aren’t even a team Vammy would go to’ another lie, he’d not said he wouldn’t go there, they just weren’t interested in him when we spoke, at least not publicly ‘his hearts set on Caen for now’ I realised instantly this was the wrong thing to say so hastily added ‘until we get promoted in the summer of course then he’s staying with us’

He shook his head, took a sip of his coffee and said ‘I’m sorry Jock, this club is one of a few  businesses of mine and I’m doing the right thing for the business side of the club. I’ve got to make ends meet and…’

Fuming I cut him off before he could say anything else ‘make ends meet? The ends won’t fucking meet if you sell the clubs best player this month! I shouldn’t be reminding you he’s the highest scoring player in all of fucking Italy!’ True, he’d scored 24 in all competitions, more than Ciro Immoblie at Lazio with 14 league & 4 cup goals, Federico Parill, the young wonderkid Roma had signed from Boca Juniors this summer who’s on 13 league and 2 cup goals, and Raul Jimenez at Atalanta on loan from Newcastle, 12 league & 4 cup goals

I felt he was going to say something stupid, or spit out a load of business jargon to try and shut me up so I got up and said ‘I had a deal with Vammy, so I am going to smooth this out so we can honor that deal’

I got up and left before I gave him a chance to say anything else. I knew my hands were tied and that I would be fighting a losing battle, but I had to do something. As much as I want Sanogo staying, if he goes in the summer I’ll have longer to scout and sign a replacement, who probably won’t be as good but it’s better than having the less than 2 weeks left in January to do that in I currently have, and I don’t want to make a rash signing. 

As I stormed out the room, slamming the door behind me I took a moment to compose myself and think about what I was going to say to Sanogo when my phone rang. Usually I’d be happy to speak to Alexa but not at the minute ‘I’m sorry Alex I can’t talk right now darl, I don’t have…..’

‘You do have time for me, you always do, I know what’s going on. Don’t speak to Vamara, it’s a lost cause Jock you’re wasting your time. I need to tell you something’

== == == == ==

That's what happens at clubs where you can't give contracts out. You'll get a replacement no worries  

The Journeyman Jock - Lemme' talk to ya'

27/12/19 - conversation 1 of 3

I walked into the office at the end of the corridor. Stefano de Luca, the San Marino Calcio chairman and owner is sat in his high backed chair. The office window looked out over the San Marino skyline like a modern day citadel really, like he was the king of this small village / city. Ominous is the word I’d probably use to describe it.

I felt an air of tension in the room as soon as I came in, I got bad vibes from the atmosphere and the steely look on Stefano’s coupon boring down on me didn’t fill me with confidence. He’s well known around here with interests in multiple businesses and as such is highly respected but has the ability to instil fear into other business heads, so I’m told.

‘Jock, welcome’ is how he greeted me. I returned the gesture and we made small talk before digging into the real reason for our meeting.

‘I have supported you and David all summer, regardless of the accusations…’ I cut him off

‘Unproven accusations boss. They will always be unproven because we’re innocent’

‘I know that Jock, but regardless of that I am under a lot of pressure from people in higher places’

Confused, I asked him ‘Such as?

‘The league for one, they’re pressuring me to relieve you both of your positions. They say you being hired in Italy is bringing unwanted attention. Not to mention the sponsors, our kit sponsor as you know have pulled out of the agreement because of your situation’

I didn’t know anything about that and was taken by surprise by it, so I just said ‘right, but we’re a pro club, playing well and progressing. You won’t be short of sponsorship offers I’m sure’

‘Be that as it may, I’ve got our accounts team pressuring me to make some moves and get more money into the club as sponsors are a big part of that, as I’m sure you know’ I did, so I let him continue ‘but I have full faith in you and the team and do believe we’re going to finish strongly by seasons end’

The meeting was going as I expected it would. We’re playing well and winning games and only lost a handful of times. As a club we’re in a better position than we were this time last season. We’re on course to reclaim the Coppa Lega trophy we won last season too, so it came as a bit of a shock to hear him say ‘but you need to know that every decision I make has the teams best interest at heart’

It was a bit of a weird thing to say and I instantly thought that I was getting sacked so I asked him ‘you’re sacking me?’

‘What?! Absolutely not Jock why would you think that?’

‘Oh, right, good, it’s just the way you said about having the teams best interest at heart got me worried’

‘Your job status isn’t going to be reviewed until the end of the season, and even then the way you’ve got the team playing we’re going to finish in the play offs I’m sure’

I felt a weird sense he was holding something from me so I asked him ‘is there anything I need to know? Anything that might affect the team going forward?’

His eyes shifted slightly before he said ‘No Jock, I’ve been honest with you from the start, if I hadn’t I would have terminated your contract already’

‘Right, it’s just this meeting hasn’t really covered anything other than we’re doing well, will probably finish in the play offs and my jobs safe for now’

‘Correct. Once we finish in the play offs and get the financial rewards for that we can get the club pushing on for automatic promotion next seasons can’t we’

‘Well one step at a time I think. Let’s get to the play offs this season first before talking about going up automatically next eh’

‘Yes but the sponsors are going to want assurances to want to pay us, so when we say we managed a playoff finish this season and the aim is to get promoted next season, we’ll be over run with sponsorship applications. I may even charge a fee to apply to sponsor us on the back of those aims’

‘That’s not my concern of course, but surely promising promotion next season without this season even ending may be the wrong call’

‘Leave the office side to me Jock and I’ll leave the playing side to you’ and on that the meeting ended. I felt a bit weird coming out of it, there was nothing discussed that I didn’t already know and he was being a bit shifty talking about money and sponsors. But I’ll take his lead and just stick to the playing side of the club.

---------------------------------------

27/12/19 - conversation 2 of 3

That meeting was followed by a chat I had with Vamara Sanogo our main forward. I knew from the end of last season keeping him would be a struggle. Chinese side Changchun were credited with an interest in him and Polish side Katowice actually sent an enquiry to us, but I rejected it straight away. Small teams never really keep their best players unless they get promoted or go on a magical cup run do they. I mean we’re looking good for a play off finish at the minute, but do I genuinely believe we’ll get to Serie B just 1 season after promotion and surviving relegation in Serie C? No is the straight answer. A good top ten finish and a playoff run will do us the world of good but we are in no way ready to make that step up just yet.

With that in mind Sanogo came to me and told me that SM Caen in France are interested in him. I told him that’s not surprising, he’s good enough to go play in Ligue 2 and I wouldn't stand in his way to leave and go there, on 1 condition.

‘Before you tell me the condition, I would just like to point out that I greatly respect you and you have got my career back on track’

‘That’s great to hear Vammy I really appreciate it’ Between us, as you know Sanogo was just sprung on me, I never knew anything about him until the club signed him. I still never found out how that deal was done.

‘So what is the condition of the transfer?’

‘Well as you know and are a big part of, we’re looking like we’ll finish in the play offs’

‘Yes but I don’t think….’

‘Let me finish mate. You could go on to score 100 goals this season but I genuinely do not think we as a club are ready to play in Serie B, and I do not think we’d get through the play offs anyway’ He just looked and smiled as I continued ‘so here’s my condition. You stay with us until the end of the season, and if Caen or another team in France come in with a bid this month I’ll accept it but the deal goes through in June, what do you think?

‘Okay that sounds good to me. I do not want you to price me out of the move though…’ I cut him off

‘Way ahead of you. The club has benefitted from you being here already, but in terms of transfer fee, we paid 47 for you, so I think anything less than 200k would be an insult to us as a club and you as a player that’s improved every week since joining us’

‘Thank you, that’s a relief that’s all I needed to hear’

‘200k is fair and will benefit us and them. But as I have said all season so far, just keep playing like you have been, and we’ll be fine. Caen are in a similar position to us in that they’re in the top half of their league and will probably make that extra step next season’

We shook hands and he left the office and me to my thoughts. I knew this would be coming at some point anyway so was braced for it. Part of me was hoping the Changchun interest would come to something, they’d have a lot more money to spend and would pay any stupid price that we ask for, but Caen in France’s second division is nothing to turn your nose up at, and I’d be very happy for him going there and progressing a a player. 

Not only that but a fee of 200k would scratch my Moneyball itch just right. A profit of 153k plus a lot of games and goals from a player that hardly played in Poland. Plus the money will go towards getting a replacement in, win win all round.

---------------------------------------

27/12/19 - conversation 3 of 3

As I was walking out of training that afternoon my phone rang and it was a number that hasn’t called me for some time

‘Well well well, long time no speak’

‘Hey you, how you been?’

‘I’m good, would be a lot better if I saw you though, what's it been, 18 maybe 19 months since I was whisked out of Turkey the last time I saw you?’

‘Something like that, we’ve spoke in that time though’

'Twice, once when I got to Milan and once not long after I got my feet under the desk here in San Marino. Not that I’m keeping track or have it in my mind’ A lie. I missed this woman quite a lot.

A soft giggle and then ‘behave you, us politicians are as busy as you football managers ya’ know’

After a few minutes of idle chatter she got to the point ‘look I’m sorry to spring this on you but Stefano has got money troubles, big money troubles’

‘I had a feeling there was something up with him when I saw him earlier’

‘I don’t want to sound like I’m stirring the pot here but he owes a lot of money out’

‘Right, so is that gonna affect me in any way?’

‘It might, I won’t lie. I’m not sure what, if anything he’s got leveraged against the club but it might affect the team somehow’

‘I really hope not. We’re doing well, Baz or the Doctor haven't’ done anything stupid in a while, the police have left me alone, even Guinness has been fine since he's been here, everything's going right’

‘It sure is, I’ve been keeping an eye on how you’ve been doing’ without giving me a chance to say anything she continued ‘and look, if anything Stefano does affects you or the team, don’t worry about it. I’ve got contacts in football you won’t struggle, I got you there at San Marino’

‘Struggle how? I asked, confused by this ‘We’ll get the play offs this season but don’t know how far we’ll go, but it’s a process. I’ve told Stefano that and that we’re not ready to go up yet anyway’

‘Just keep doing things as you have been and everything will work itself out. Speak soon’

== == == == ==

Love a good Moneyball save. Def following.

The Journeyman Jock - Progress

It’s at this point in my story that I should point out a couple of things to you. First off you know I’m a bit of a erm, how did the prosecutor put it that time in Glasgow Crown? Oh yeah, I’m an alcoholic substance abuser, to which my own barrister quipped I’m actually a substance abusing alcoholic. Not by choice of course. I’d had a pretty bad fall once upon a time and hurt my back which needed surgery.

The tramadol I was given from the doctors was barely doing much other than making me feel quite good about myself and suppressing my appetite, and the subsequent oxycodone they gave was not doing much either but changing my overall mood, so I got other painkillers from less reputable sources. Now as I’m sure you know I’ve got what my ma’ says is an addictive personality, so I won’t sugarcoat it I’m hooked on the painkillers plain and simple. Getting hold of them was never a problem, not when I’ve got the Doctor as a friend who just seems to be able to find anything at most any time.

I was in a small boozer a short walk from the San Marino Stadium. I took the needle out of my lower back, sat back in the cubicle and slowly relaxed. The effects of the injection hit me almost instantly. This time it was cortisone injections, usually only available through the doctors and administered in a hospital, but I’d had a stash the Doctor had gotten ahold of for me that I’d been using more and more recently. After a few minutes I walked out of the cubicle without flushing and the guy washing his hands looked at me in a puzzled way, so I smiled and said ‘buona giornata amico’ and carried on walking out. My Italian was coming along slowly but surely.

I get back to the stadium and discussed things with Mark Jaul and Bazza. All things considered we’d had a pretty by the books pre season once I’d got back to San Marino after the FBI ruined Stantons funeral and the Doctor, who still hasn’t come back yet, was last seen in some crack heads house in Middlesbrough threatening to sell some sex toys in Gateshead.

During pre season it was clear that Dini, our first choice goalkeeper wasn’t up to playing another full season. He’d done his hamstring in toward the end of last season, we had the young Ivorian lad Aka in net for a handful games and Dini was probably thrown back between the sticks too early. He’d made a number of errors in the friendly games over pre season so it was decided he’d be taking a step back and playing back up, with Aka going to third choice, it was a decision we all made and agreed to. Mark had made some calls and got us another first choice keeper. Allessando Lorello joined us on a free and will be our first choice this season. Playing for such illustrious sides as Parma and Livorno although much like Aka here for us he’d been low down in the pecking order at those clubs, the experience there would surely benefit us all here. 

We also signed a young center midfielder to play rotation, Eduardo Cecuzzi. We gave him a trial and he bossed it and looks the business. Obviously one for the future and we’ll certainly get him minutes this season, but a deal I’m happy with as we had to play Severini in the middle a couple of times last season. Pavel Vieira played nearly every game, Magnanelli who is the clubs longest serving player also missed a chunk of games at center mid, so a rotation option benefits us all.

Davide Murelli was making great progress as well. Initially after Marco Gorzegno had scouted him I was a bit dubious with him only being 5’11, because for me a center half needs to be a big tank that looks menacing, but young Davide is quick, has no fear and is pushing for a first team place. 

The season started proper though seeing us get knocked out of the Italian FA Cup by Albinoleffe, not that I was too bothered by it, and we redeemed ourselves in the league opener with a 4-0 thrashing of Santarcangelo at home. Sanogo getting a hat trick and Di Curzio getting our fourth goal to set us up nicely for the season ahead.

After the first league game I told Baz that we have to take it steady now. No stupid escapades out to the coast on the gear, nothing that can bring any attention to us. I’ve had enough dealings with the authorities to last 2 lifetimes and this season has got to be about progression on the pitch and having a chilled out law abiding time off of it.

He did agree to keep out of trouble whilst also saying he’d not actually done anything wrong, to which I said the drugs, prostitutes and all night poker games in the bar in Serravalle are all above board then? He just laughed and we continued talking about or chances this season.

‘Speaking of chances, what you reckon to Runner Ups chances of making a comeback?’

‘You sure you’ve not had any packet today?’

‘No, why?’

‘Asking mad questions like that! Runner Up’s done mate, he’ll never get back into ring shape, bloke can’t stand up straight never mind dodge and weave’

‘Ahh it’s just he mentioned he might be getting back to it’

‘Did it take him an hour to tell you that? You seen how he struggles to talk. Anyway where is he?’

‘Still in Aberdeen, he didn’t come back over here, says he’ll come back at some point though’

‘Well he was there when we managed to win the cup so maybe he’s not that much of a bad omen really’

‘Where that Geordie shite anyway? Not seen him since Stantons do’

‘Selling sex toys in Gateshead’

‘Behave, really?’

I just nodded and said ‘he can stay away for as long as he wants. We need to do everything we can to keep a low profile. He’s usually the one that gets us into a mess’

‘Yeah but nouts really come of anything has it’

I stared a hole right through Baz at that comment. ‘Nouts come of it?!? Are you fucking stupid?! Don’t answer that. We missed Stantons funeral, I’ve been interviewed by the FBI 3 times, I’ve apparently fixed matches and made bets on my own team, you’ve been questioned and released pending more investigations. All because of that bastard and his….’ just as I was in full flow the door opened and a voice said ‘howa lads ahm’ back like’

‘Ahh the lone wanderer returns’ Baz said before adding ‘we were just talking about you’

‘Aye ah nah I heard ya like I was stood there for a minute cos Guinness was finishing off a can of Stella’

‘You’ve gotta be kidding me. Guinness isn’t here is he?’ I said

‘Aye he is, I thought cos Runner Up was threatening to get back in the ring so he’s stayed in Scotland I’ve brought Guinness to take his place’

‘I’d say please don’t do anything stupid but something tells me you’ve already got that covered ain’t ya’

‘Nah not yet Jock lad’ Guinness said as he walked into the room. You know how Runner Up takes an hour to say hello, well the little quirk our other pal Guinness has is that he accentuates his syllables and talks really slow and methodical ‘I’m keep-ing my nose clean down hee-re, don’t wan-na be get-ting dragged in-to all that match fix-ing she-nan-i-gans lot do a-round here’

‘Get ta fuck ya’ prick’ Baz had shouted before Guinness added ‘I’m jo-king lad keep your hair on’

So instead of Runner Up being here with us we’ve got Guinness tagging along with the Doctor. I’m not sure if that’s better or not, but I guess I’ll find out before long.

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - A good deal

‘FUCK’ I yelled as I kicked the small table in the room knocking everything off of it making a mess that can wait, I’ve got bigger problems to deal with right now.
 

I didn’t know what to do, I’d tried ringing the Doctor already but his phone went straight to voicemail, Bazza was sat in the corner looking like he had no care in the world and was probably still listening to fucking Cher songs on Spotify, but the TV was on and as fate would have it the news was showing. My Italian is getting better and I managed to pick up the headlines scrolling along the bottom of the screen:
 

Le autorità locali di Catania hanno barricato sul posto un residente, sospettato di un giro di traffico di droga
 

The caption read: local authorities in Catania have barricaded a residence, suspected drug smuggling ring on site, and that was exactly what that prick on the phone had told me.

‘Baz, Baz you fucking melon where’s your phone?’

‘Eh what? I was asleep there’

‘I don’t care, ring that Geordie cunt we need to find him asap’

‘Oh dear, what's he done this time?’

‘No time to explain it’s bad though’

As Baz was fumbling with himself getting out the recliner I heard a faint noise coming from somewhere

‘What’s that noise?’

‘Oh that, it’s my ring tone’

‘What the fuck kind of ring tone is that?’

‘It’s Crazy Frog the Beverly Hills Cop song’

‘Well where is it we need to find Bob now!’

‘Oh it’s here’ he says as he reached down the side of the chair and answered ‘Alright knob cheese we were just talking about you’

I snatched the phone off him and said ‘Bob tell me where you are right now it’s urgent’

‘Alreet mate’ he said that infuriating laid back Geordie accent ‘I cannit really chat at the minute, am a bit tied up like’ as he said this I heard a banging noise and some shouting down the line ‘I’ve got meself intee’ a bit of a pickle’

‘I know, I got told already. Shit Bob what ya’ playing at!’

‘Aye ahh nah ahh nah, ah’m a bit daft like getting caught in arl ah this like but what can ah say’

‘Fuck knows Bob, something like giving yourself up, telling them it wasn’t you, finding a mirror and having a fucking word with yourself might be a good start!’ more banging and more background noise

‘Aye ah’ve said ahh nah I cannit say owt else like’

‘Another thing before everything goes tits up where have you been? We ain’t seen ya’ since Stantons do’

‘Oh aye I meant to tell ya. So ah met up with Guinness coz’ he said he’d gottan ah hold ah some banging’ Molly like, some decent dip ahn ahl so ahs gone down the meteor park, that’s where ahl the wreck heeds and single mams hang oot in Aberdeen to get wired and laid, ah'd met the lad and came back the church. But when ahs got to the door ahd seen ye’ walkin’ with some posh looking gadgie into an old Skoda an’ Bazza was handcuffed gannin’ into anuvver motor so me and the pint of ale legged it’

‘And then what?’

‘Got mortal in some boozer down the Aberdeen high street, think ah got ohn a train down to Dundee or maybes it wa’ a bus, met Double O 7, sniffed all of the molly Guinness had given us and then ah’ divvint remember much else apart from wakin’ up on a park bench’

I tried to speak again but he carried on ‘Ah’ just thought ye’ of ahl people would appreciate a good deal when ya’ seen one, especially wi’ ah’l that moneyball shite ya keep bangin’ on aboot, so ahs used my initiative like and went ahl in on it’

‘A good deal? A good fucking deal? Aye Bob it’s that fucking good the bastarding DEA and FBI are smashing down your doors as we speak, and in fact this might be the last time we do speak with you as a free man!’ The banging had stopped and this time I heard a big cracking noise

‘Eh ye’ what man? The DEA smashin’ this door in? The fuck ye’ on like’

‘Don’t lie to me, I’ve spoke to FBI they've set you up, the deals not legit they’ve done it to get you and bring you in’

‘Oh aye Jock aye corse’ the FBI has set this ahl’ up like’

‘Corse they have, do ya’ not remember the shite we’ve been through for the last year and a bit?’

‘The shite YOU’VE been in pal, ah’ve only been spoken to once in Turkey like an even then ah’ ain’t been charged have ah’’

‘Not yet ya’ prick wait until they smash that door in’

‘They’re not here ya’ whoppa’ ah’m in some birds house in Boro’

‘Eh? Boro? I didn’t think there was a Boro in Italy’

‘Aye Boro, ya’ nah as in Middles-fucking-Boro, home ah the Smoggies and that shitty Tyne bridge wannabe. Ah spoke to some doss cunt tha’ told Double O 7 about a shipment ah sex toys for nout’ tha’ we could sell, so ah’d blagged this bird to let us have a go on her with some ah’ ‘em like’

‘And?’

‘And well I says to this piece heya pet I’m propa gangsta me like an ah’v got these belter handcuffs that look canny strong like, so ah’v clamped 1 to the bed after we’d finished shagging and anuvver to her arms while ah went and helped mahself to her gear an won’t lie ah’ had forgot aboot her an’ ah’d left her in that room an’ now she’s ganning divvy trying to get oot’ 

I shook my head while the Doctor coughed and carried on ‘this bag heed from roond here reckons ah could make a few hundred on these sex toys so that’s what ahm doing here than ahm’ off back to Gateshead away from this shit tip’

‘You’re a fucking idiot, have I ever told you that?’

‘Multiple times’

Just then I heard the biggest noise so far and a woman shouting ‘here you ya’ cunt’ then the Doctor said ‘sorry Jock, gotta’ dash this lass is gannin’ radgy’ and he hung up the phone.

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - The Chairman’s intent

Baz was sitting in the corner of the waiting room at the airport when I walked in, he was sat with his headphones on. He noticed me, took them out and said ‘Do ya’ reckon she ever did?’

‘You what?’ I asked, confused as I took a seat

‘Turn back time’

‘I haven't’ got the patience for your shit Baz, I’m walking, actually no, we’re all walking a very fucking fine line at the minute, I don’t…..’

He cut me off ‘Cher, you know who I mean, the singer. Looks exactly the same now as she did when we were kids, I’d give her one to be fair. Anyway she was saying in that song she’d change some things if she could turn back time. I’m just asking if you know if she ever managed to turn back time or not’

‘We’ve just been taken by the fuzz from Stantons funeral, in front everyone we know, our familys, the priest and Stantons box, held in the station for hours getting drilled on match fixing and drug smuggling and….’ he cut me off

‘Hang on pal, you were asked about drugs, not me. They wanted to know why I went to San Marino and how I paid for it. I got asked about fixing some of our games last season but nout on drugs’

‘Right whatever, but we’ve been made look like idiots, I’ve been embarrassed by these fucks again and all you can think to say, all you’ve got to ask is if Cher turned back fucking time?!’

‘It’s a valid question’

‘Aye it might be if we were off our nut on Molly in some gaff in the middle of nowhere at half 4 in the morning ya prick, not when we’ve just been released from Aber-fucking-deen constabulary and heading back to Italy! If they heard you asking shit like that they’d deffo think we were on the take and are shipping gear around!’
 

This guy, I swear he tests me on purpose. Wilson managed to get me released from the station pending further investigation, but up to now all they’ve got is circumstantial evidence and nothing that can stick to me in court. Wilson did say they reckon they’ve got a recording of a footballer, didn’t say who, but apparently this player is on tape confirming I asked him to take money to do something in a game. What that something is hasn’t been said yet, but I’m pretty sure I never asked any player to do anything like that.

As we were never arrested we’re not on bail so are free to go back to San Marino, and I got the first flight from Aberdeen to Milan. Before boarding I’d spoken briefly to Stefano de Luca, the chairman and our boss at San Marino, and he seemed absolutely fine despite me being back a day later than I was supposed to be. He gave an interview outside the stadium which has garnered quite a bit of interest there, so I found it online and watched it on the flight:
 

‘As for the allegations against our first team and cup winning manager, I say two things on that account. One, as is the case in Scotland it rings true here in San Marino, he is innocent until proven guilty. I have spoken to him briefly on the matter and have every faith he is telling me the truth. After we briefly spoke about his questioning, of which he hasn’t been arrested and when he will report back to the club, we discussed matters pertaining to the upcoming Serie C season. Second is that old saying guilty by association. Now I know one of the first team coaches, David Barron, has also been questioned by the authorities in Scotland, but like Jock I have every faith in my staff being exonerated from these allegations sooner rather than later. I also firmly believe that David has been dragged into this due to being associated with Jock, who in turn has been dragged into this mess by being associated with people in Turkey. I do not take an interest in either mans personal lives or the company they keep, and until these false allegations hinder my teams progression or my staffs ability to work here, I won’t be making any further comment on it. It is my intention to keep an open mind on the matter as well as giving Jock and the rest of the staff and players my full ongoing support, and repeat again, until proven otherwise both of my accused staff are innocent and will be treated as such by me and the club. Thank you’

He did seem to have my back really. I get that he’s probably trying to look on the positive side to try and control any damage to the club or the perception of it, but he seemed genuine when he told me to get back to San Marino when I can, put this behind me and get on with the season. I did have a meeting with the players the day I got back, and from I gather they’re all on board. Pavel and Anibal, 2 of my most trusted and reliable players last season both speak to me in private and told me of a players only meeting yesterday, and that all the players aren’t going to let these allegations affect them, which I thought was both professional and kind of them to do for me.
 

I’d decided that from now on, I’ve got to, absolutely have to keep my head down and out of trouble. Not that I’ve actually been in any trouble, but the company I keep, as my boss said in the press release, I am guilty by association. I made a mental note to speak with the Doctor when I saw him, in fact I’d not spoken to him since Stanton's funeral 4 days ago. My guess, as is the police’s is that he’d fled Aberdeen and gone somewhere to lie low. It’s not unusual for him to disappear for days at a time so I’m not too bothered, he’ll ring me or show up randomly at some point anyway. As I was thinking about him my phone rang. I’ve been cautious to only give this number to a few people, staff here at the club, Alexa has it who I've not spoke to in over a year actually, Baz, Runner Up the usual's. 
 

‘H-hello?’ I say, surprising myself how worried I sound

‘Mister football manager, back in sunny San Marino are we? Rhetorical question, Its Special Agent Hunter, I’m sure you remember me’ The Canadian Yank FBI prick. Great.

‘Nope, can’t say I do’

‘Don’t try being funny Mister McGhee. I’m really only calling as a courtesy to you’

‘As a fucking courtesy? You had me taken out of my pals funeral literally 4 fucking days ago! Anyway how did you get this number?’

‘I’m the FBI, I can find anyone's number at any point whenever I want’ I let the comment hang a moment before he continued ‘I just wanted you to know that we’ve not forgotten about you or your crimes, and that we’re still building a case against you’

Trying to get him to think I’m not arsed I say ‘whatever shit brick, you’ve got nout on me cos I’ve done nout wrong’

‘Be that as it may Joseph, you’re in bed with those political nobodies in Turkey who have helped you in more ways than they should’ve done and trust me I’m this close to proving it, not to mention that reprobate Robert Robson you hang around with, well he’s going to be getting brought in by the Italian authorities very soon, and when he does he’s ours’

‘First off, nobody ever calls me Joseph, not even my mam ya’ prick, and ya can get to fuck about the Doctor being taken in, he’s kept his nose clean for ages, he’s sound’

‘Really? Where is he now then?’

‘No comment ya wee shite’

‘I’ll tell you where he is, he’s on his way down to Catania, in Sicily where he’s to board a small boat heading out of a port on the coast into another port in Malta, where’s he going to meet some people and collect a shipment of opioid painkillers and heroin, skag I believe you Scots call that horrid stuff. Oh I should mention at this point that the people he’s meeting are undercover DEA agents who have been probing organised crime in Sicily which ties into some things going on in Boston. Anyway you won’t be able to reach your friend the surgeon as he’s..…’ I cut this arrogant twat off

‘It’s the Doctor you prick you know that, and why should I believe a word you say’

‘Because you jumped up overachieving piece of shit, his listed abode is the clubs barracks in San Marino, you’re his listed next of kin, oh and he’s already been bringing cocaine and LSD into the club and distributing it to the players under you command......’
 

I hung up the phone not wanting to hear any more of this. Fuck now I’m worried though. The Doctor does like to get involved in some stupid things, but surely to god he’s not on his way down south, then to Sicily and then to Malta? I need to find him, double quick!

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - 24 hours in Aberdeen

Two more football personalities arrested in Scotland on suspicion of match fixing - The Scottish Herald

Football match fixing: 2 Scots, 1 English arrested in Aberdeen by Scotland Yard investigators - The Scotsman

Match Fixing truth, Scotsmen and Motherwell native are innocent! - The Motherwell Chronicle

Italy based head coach at the top of match fixing probe - Scottish Mail on Sunday

Current player in Turkey claims he was approached whilst playing for Scottish manager in 2018, claims he denied taking any bribes and Scot is innocent  - News of the World online

14 thousand Euro the fee to throw a game, claims Turkey based footballer - ESPN Europe
 

Much like in Ankara I was put in a dimly lit interview room in 1 of Aberdeen's police stations, the  air was thick but cold, and I could feel the accusing stares of the officer already in the room, who identified himself as Deputy Police Constable Callahan of North East Police Scotland.

‘Your attorney won’t be here for at least another couple of hours Mister McGhee, why not speak to me off the record until then?’

I just shook my head at this, no way was I speaking to this fat prick on or off the record without Wilson being here with me

‘Just so you’re aware your cooperation with me now will mean you’re more likely to gain favour with the judge and the FBI when they get here’

Another shake of my head

‘Your friend Mister Barron was slightly less willing to come down here, he, erm bare with me’ this schmuck ruffled some papers and put on his reading glasses then said ‘ahh yes, in the report here he was said to be cuffed and dragged, kicking and screaming into the squad car making a mockery of young James Stantons funeral. As well as the current allegations against him he’s going to get charged with resisting arrest and assaulting an officer’ I wasn’t gonna get baited in his game and speak, another shake of my head was all he got. I knew he was lying to get me talking, as I was getting into the car at the church I saw Bazza was also being taken into a car and he was cuffed and kept his mouth shut, something he’s done plenty of times with the police.

He lit a cigarette and before long the stale scent of it lingered in the room. I kept my gaze on Callahan but his own stare, with a raised left eyebrow bore right back at me and I could actually feel it piercing through me, casting doubt on my own innocence. ‘Shit, he’s good’ I silently thought to myself.

He leant over and pressed a button on the recorder in the middle of the table ‘I’ve broken stronger men than you in my sleep’ he said taking a puff on the cig ‘and once I break you my progression to Chief Constable will be sure to come’

I didn’t give 2 squirts of piss about this guys career I’ve got my own career to worry about. He won’t break me because I’ve got nothing to hide. I did crack slightly though by saying ‘I’m telling you now, on the record if you wanna put that thing back on, that I’ve got fuck all to hide, I’ve done nothing wrong’

‘Oh the drug dealing match fixing football manager finally speaks’ he said with a sort of arrogance that seemed like he alone had made me speak

Just as I was thinking this can’t get any worse, that Yank Canadian prick Lance Field and his lap dog Hunter Smith, both wearing punch me in the face grins, had walked in holding a briefcase each and walking like they owned the place.

‘Ahh there you are Mister McGhee’ This Lance prick said ‘I’ve been meaning to catch up with you’

‘Go fuck your mother’

‘Ooohh deary me is someone on their period’ Hunter this time laughing as he said that

‘Didn’t you hear me shit head, go fuck his mother with him’ I said nodding to Lance

‘Well now the pleasantries are out of the way let's get to why we’re all here shall we’ Not waiting for me to answer, he pulled a folder out of his gay little suitcase and said ‘here we have pictures I’d like you to explain to me Jock. Is this thing on?’ he said pointing to the tape recorder, and like a good little lap dog Hunter leant over and checked it 

‘It is now’

‘

Right, what do you see here, Mister McGhee?’ he pushed the picture towards me

‘For the record, I aren't saying anything from this moment on until my solicitor gets here’

Not batting an eyelid Lance said ‘He’ll be a while I’m told. Anyway for the tape I’ll explain what this is. Here in the picture labelled Roger Oscar Niner dash Alpha we can clearly see Mister McGhee, the accused, walking with a lady in a business suit’ he moved the picture even closer to me ‘and in his hand is an envelope which we believe on good authority is a sum of money, estimated to be roughly thirteen thousand Euro. Explain please Jock’

I just stared right through this smug prick. I did look down at the picture though, and it was me and Alexa walking hand in hand, I assume out of the New Years party last January as that was the last time I saw her in person. The envelope is actually under her arm which is next to mine, hardly me holding it but at a quick glance it might look like it was in my hand. It’d never hold up in court though I’m sure Wilson would be able to dismiss it. 

I wanted to say that to him but I wasn’t going to, I wanted to know where this 13 big ones I’m supposed to have gotten has gone, I’ve never had that much money in 1 go in my whole life.

‘Silent treatment, cute. Anyway let's take a look at this next picture, labelled for the tape Roger Oscar Niner dash Bravo’ Hunter doing some work this time ‘Mister McGhee is sat at a table with 3 other gentlemen, the first to Mister McGhees left is a known loan shark in the Ankara area known only as Jed, the second immediately next to Jed is a fellow American by the name of Tommy No Shoes who is also being accused of fixing matches, in Turkey and Greece mainly, as well as The States, and in between Tommy and Mister McGhee is Robert Robson, better known as the Doctor. Explain this please, for the record Jock’ The arrogance in this muppets tone made me wanna leap over the table and Rock Bottom his ass right through it

In my head I told myself I know this Tommy, he was with the Doctor quite a lot of our time in Ankara, and this meeting wasn’t even a meeting. We’d all been at my flat the night before having a little get together, beers, coke, poker and I think the boxing or UFC was on, nothing out the ordinary. The place in this picture was a cafe about 2 minutes down the road from the flat in Turkey. We’d all ordered coffee and some food as we were all rough.

‘I can tell by the look on your face you’re thinking this through, so let me help me you’ Lance pulling out a piece of paper ‘for the tape I am handing Mister McGhee a newspaper clipping from 16th April 2017 in which it shows that Mister McGhee’s former football team he was the first team manager of, Etimesgut FC based in Ankara, had won 5-1 the day before this photo was taken. Let me put it like this, your team had gone on a run of 8 games without a win, some would say this is quite unusual seeing as how you’d been playing quite well for the most part, but then out of nowhere after back to back to back losses and a team out of form, you win 5-1. You’re then seen with a loan shark, someone that could lend you a big chunk of money, as well as someone that is known both to the FBI and police in Turkey to fix matches. You just happen to be there and it is the opinion of these 2 FBI officers that you had loaned the money from Jed, paid it to Tommy no Shoes who between you both decided how you’d be fixing the previous 3 losses, Tommy has claimed the money back on the bets of those 3 losses around Turkey, met up with you, given you your cut which we believe is somewhere in the region of twenty eight thousand Euro. You paid Jed back his money plus interest and you and Tommy are a few thousand Euro richer. Care to prove me wrong?’

Fuck me they’ve put quite the story together is all I could think. First I was given 13 grand in January and now I’m nearly another 30 grand better off, if only eh!

The next picture was pushed my way, in it I’m walking down a street with Tommy and we’ve both got a couple of bags each. I remember this day, we’d been to a high street shopping for clothes, I’d bought some shorts and a pair of jeans, can’t remember what Tommy bought. But we’d been with the Doctor and Jed earlier that day and were meeting up with them after the shopping

‘Those shopping bags are bound to contain some expensive items don’t you think Agent Smith?’ 

‘Yes Agent Field, I’m sure the contents were expensive, especially the Armani shades in the grey bag Mister McGhee is holding’

I’ve never owned a pair of Armani shades in my life so god knows where these idiots have got that from. But they persisted

‘Obviously putting the match fixing money to good use I’d say. Care to tell us otherwise Mister McGee?’

‘Well any money he did have left he blew it in the bookmakers later that afternoon. How much did you win back that day?’

I remember going in the bookies but don’t think I put any bets on, betting isn’t really my thing I’ve ever won much if anything betting. So I carried on keeping quiet.

This went on for what seemed like hours, picture after picture of me at various places with various people, The Doctor mostly but a couple more of me and Alexa at the New Years party and talking some random people, me speaking with fans outside the stadium where apparently corrupt members of Turkish parliament were there, not that I knew that for sure.
 

There was 1 of me and Fatih Aktay in the car park outside the Etimesgut stadium, if memory serves me this was after we lost the first leg of the play offs and Aktay was distraught with himself. He’d missed a really good chance in the second half, a glancing header when he was unmarked. On another day, or maybe with a bit more experience he’d have chested it down and either half volleyed it or let it drop to shoot, but it wasn’t meant to be. I was telling him to try and forget it, as a team we didn’t do enough collectively to win the tie as we went down 2-1. Lance trying to say this was me giving him his payment for missing chance after chance on purpose and throwing the game. I didn’t say this but we only had 2 clear cut chances, the aforementioned header and the goal we scored early in the first. Hardly throwing the game away.

More pictures and more accusations thrown my way. But I held firm and didn’t say a word, the years of growing up as a delinquent in Motherwell paying off. Eventually 

Hunter sighed and said ‘I was holding this off until the time was right and you’d exhausted all your options, but I feel now is the right time to present this to you’

‘Agent Smith, you don’t mean…’ this Yank prick trying to be all dramatic like he was in a comedy version of CSI Miami

‘Yes Agent Field, I feel Mister McGhee needs to know this so he can lie his, oops sorry I mean find how he’s going to defend himself against this damning evidence’

He leaned into his bag and pulled a cassette out of it. He put the cassette in the  player that doubled up as the voice recorder and it started playing

‘And you’re certain you know the implications of this? The first voice said 1 I didn't recognise

‘Yes I am aware’ the second said. Was it a familiar voice, or had I been in this room too long and my mind was playing tricks on me?

'So you’re happy to testify in court, either here in Turkey or elsewhere, that you were asked by the Scotsman..…..’ as the tape played there was a small knock at the door, Hunter stopping the recording

‘I’m sorry Sarge, I’ve got a pretty irate man at….’ then the door burst open and stepped in my knight in shining armour, more like dark grey suit and glasses

‘This is harassment of the highest order. Firstly thank you for sending me the evidence you have on my client, but let me be frank, it is circum-fucking-stancial at best and you know it!’ Wilson showing some fire I’ve not seen in him ‘Let me also be frank by saying that I will be charging you both personally for harassment, emotional damage, character defamation and wasting my fucking time’ He stopped, took a breath and said ‘furthermore you’ve not even arrested my client or if you have you haven’t informed me of his arrest. Another breath and he said ‘Jock what did you tell them?’

‘Other than telling these 2 to go fuck his mother, absolutely nout!’

‘Great, get up, you're leaving’

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - How long will they mourn me?

The train from Glasgow to Aberdeen was exactly 33 minutes late. An excellent showing by GNER standards. Aberdeen isn’t somewhere I’ve been many times, but it does seem like a nice place to have bad habits in. 

On the train up from Glasgow The Doctor had brought a portable speaker, 2 boxes of 20 cans of Carlsberg, a pouch with some acid tabs in and an eighth of coke. About 15 minutes into the train ride the speaker was put on full blast and Duran Durans Wild Boys was playing out. Baz the absolute melt was singing along as he and Simon Le Bon were telling us about a murder by the roadside in a sore new world when the conductor came over and asked us to be quiet down
 

‘Gerraway man’ the Doctor started in his drunken Geordie ‘it’s rock and roll all the way to Aberdeen innit’

‘Shut up ya’ prick the only thing rock and roll about you is the amount of drugs you take!’ I said as I turned the volume down. It didn’t stop Baz carrying on telling us that the wild boys never lose and they never chose this way however. 

During the just short of a 3 hour train ride the conductor came back and told us, in no particular order to calm down multiple times, quiet down, shut up please you’re annoying the other passengers, please be quiet you’ve woken a set of triplets up who won’t go back to sleep, I don’t care how good a footballer you are I’ve never heard of David Barron, Stranraer aren't a massive club, any more of that and I’ll be ringing the transport police, no sir I don’t want or need a booster line to get me through my shift, and my personal favourite are you alright sir your face looks like Nicola Sturgeon licking monkey spunk off a bus stop window? The Doctor had just double dropped some acid tabs at that point.

We did make it to the church with a good 20 minutes to spare despite GNER and The Doctors best efforts though, and as we were making our way in Baz said ‘Ahh keep cool lads’ as two cave dwelling looking blokes both with faces for radio approached us ‘his family’s all a load of soap dodgers’

‘Fucking Mackems’ the Doctor said

‘Not Sun’land ya’ welp, they’re Weegies, vermin them lot’ Bazza said

The Doctor looked even more confused than he usually does so I enlightened him ‘Weegies pal, people from Glasgow. If you have trouble understanding us 2 wait til ya’ hear what these knuckle draggers sound like’
 

The first man came close and shook each of our hands and turned to me ‘ya’ that fitba manger are ye’ likesay’
 

‘Aye’ I replied in the most couldn’t be arsed tone I could muster

‘Ye’ gaunnae be hiedin’ the jail likesay thim dodgy cernts tha’ fix tha’ fitba games, ken’ the other unwashed said

‘Get te’ fuck Ker’ the first soap dodger said before I could have a word with this mouthy shite, but then adds as he looks at me ‘he’s just breekin’ ya balls’ I accept this as a truce, for now.
 

As I’m back in the company of other Scots in the great nation, I found myself reverting back to my Scottish-isms of old when I said ‘ah nee bother ah ken he’s no meanin’ harm’

‘Listen the now, Ker’s ma wee brar, ken, he’s Jimmy’s uncle, he’s no Weegie, likesay he’s a Jambo aint’ ya’ Ker’

‘S’right ah am’  If you don’t know, a Jambo is someone from Edinburgh that supports Hearts, a Hibbie is someone that’s also from Edinburgh but supports Hibs.

I clocked the Doctor looking at Bazza and saying ‘I cannit understand a word these doss cunts are saying, Baz translate for us will ya’

‘Whae ye’ callin’ a cunt ken? The second soap dodger turned Jambo remarked before the good Doctor said ‘who ye’ calling Ken ya’ cunt?’

‘He dinnae mean nee harm ken, he’s English, Geordie likesay’ Baz jumping in and also reverting to our native tongue

‘Ahh Englis’ eh, ah divvint hate the Englis’, yous are just wankers’ the Jambo cunt Ker says in a lets calm it down tone but with eyes saying try it I dare ya.
 

The Doctor looks ready to start swinging and verbally lays into this Jambo twat without stopping for a breath by saying ‘who’re you calling a wanker like ya’ fucking haggis bothering piss poor lager drinking turnip pulling Braveheart wanking over prick?’ he emphasized the word prick in a way I’ve ever heard, it was a thing of beauty. 
 

I’ve never been one to diffuse a good ol’ social argument, but seeing as how the Doctor will fight anyone any day of the week twice on Fridays, I felt the only way I could stop him and Jimmy’s Jambo and Weegie relatives without compromising myself or showing like I’m taking sides with any sort of decency, is to stick to the clichés, and hope to fuck that this other mouthy cunt is a blue and not a green
 

‘Fuck the green sister shagging cunts likesay, what kin ya dea wi’ the league ahh helpin’ they cunts ever’ week eh’ again with the Scottish dialect, before adding ‘forcin’ Gillespie to leave the Well likesay’ the Doctor looking well and truly scoobied now not having a clue what’s being said, Baz stood straight fists clenched, ready to start throwing.
 

Jimmy’s uncle, the Jambo, seemingly forgetting the Doctors jibes said ‘The Well be deein’ a’right eh, that Robbo got em’ shitein’ Celtic ahl’ season’ likesay’
 

As the conversations steered from insults and arguing to hating Celtic and the SPL in general, we made our way into the church as the funeral got underway. I was sat next Runner Up on my left, Bazza to my right, the Doctor wasn’t sat with us I assumed he was outside, probably sorting the consumables for the wake afterwards, and Leb was sliding in to sit next to Baz. I didn’t see when Leb turned up or who he was with, he just appeared as he usually does. I did notice however that he was wearing these horrible looking chinos with a gold cowboy style bull horn belt and a massive high waist and whilst not a great idea for most people, it looks absolutely disastrous on a fat cunt. 
 

‘He’ll be glad for the silence that lad’ a girl said as she sat on the pews in front of me before adding ‘never stopped did he wor’ Jimmy’. Her friend smiling solemnly as she also took her seat

‘Here pet move ya’ barnet will ya, a canny see a thing here likes’ Baz said to the girl who had a big hat on, one of those hats the fairer sex wear on ladies day at the races

‘Show some respect will ya’ she scowled back at

‘Aye a would if a could see the cunt in his bastardin’ box but yur’ fucking helmets in the way’

‘Sssssh ya’ wee prick’ an old boy on the opposite side said

‘Ye’ talking’ to me ya’ fucking coffin dodger?’ Not waiting for a response he added ‘You’ll be joining Stanton up there if ya’ carry on likes’ he took a moment to let the comment hang before adding ‘As I said to this bint I would shut up if ah could fucking well see me pal and his box but I cannit see a bastarding thing’

‘What is there to see anyhow? Leb said ‘it’s just the Rabbi speaking then we’re off on the booze’

‘Priest ya’ fucking melt! Not all of us have had half our pipe chopped off and are Jewish! Anyways when did you get here Leb?’ Baz said 

The old boy piped back up ‘and what right you got to wanna see anything anyway? Nee’ ones seen you roond here since ya’ fucked off to Italy wi’ tha’ fuckin’ criminal next to ya’ and pointed at me
 

This got my attention, so I leant forward to give this old boy the eyes and a visual warning, but as I was about to say something Runner Up stood up and said ‘heerrreeee….nooowwww….yooouuu….’ he went on for a few moments in which everyone stopped talking and just watched this dribbling idiot try and diffuse the situation by boring us all to death to join Stanton in the coffin at the end of the aisle. As he was in his groove and onto his fourth maybe fifth word the girl without the big hat in front of me turned around and said ‘what’s his deal?’ and nodded to Runner Up who was in full flow now ‘thhhaaatttt’ssss….myyyyyy….gooodd….’

‘He’s been hit in the face a few times, probably doesn’t even know where he is’

‘Aahhnnddd……….arhhllll…….…neevveerrr……

She giggled and said ‘it’s not Runner Up is it?’

I just nodded and say ‘aye daft lad’s on about fighting again’

‘I didn't recognise him’ she as she giggled then added ‘He canny stand up straight never mind get back to fighting’

My turn to laugh at Runner Up’s expense. I asked the girl ‘do I know you?’

‘You don’t remember me do ya’ Jock?’

I didn’t, but before I could say that to her and lay on the charm someone had sat next to me and pulled my arm towards him

‘We can do this the easy way or the hard way’

‘Who the fuck…’

‘Behave Jock, It’s James Stanton’s funeral, all his and most of your family are here today, believe it or not I’m on your side’

‘As I was saying who the fuck….’

He showed me his badge and said ‘We’ve got word from the FBI that they want us to detain you for your arrest. I’m from Scotland Yard, the FBI claim to have enough information to arrest you. I’m here as a courtesy, 1 Scot to another. They’ll have sent someone this side of Washington to pick you up I’m sure but come with me now and we can try get ahead of them’

‘Really? At my pals fucking funeral you come to arrest me’ I said this a bit loud as a couple of people turned towards me

‘Believe me I’d rather have done this as quietly as possible but my hands been forced on this. For what it’s worth I respect you and what you’ve done with your career and I don’t believe you’re guilty of these crimes’

‘Fuking right I’m not, it’s bullshit, anyway where’s that Geordie fucker….’ he pressed closer to me and cut me off

‘Forget him, he’s the one who’s brought all this on, he’ll be the reason why you go down. Also we can’t locate him I was hoping you knew where he was’ He took a moment and looked around before continuing ‘We had eyes on you and Mister Robson until you both came in the church, but he’s since gone awol’ another moment passed ‘I shouldn’t tell you this either, but as he’s English the FBI have contacted the North Tyneside Constabulary to bring him in, so he’ll probably be taken down to Newcastle once they find him. I’m not sure what they’ve got on him but it’s probably more than what we’ve been given on you’

‘Right, but if he’s innocent like I am then what’

‘That’s a long way off yet. Even if you are proven innocent today it’ll be a while before they’ll officially exonerate you’

‘Just as my fucking career was back on track. I won the fucking cup last month ya’ know’

‘Aye I’d seen that when I was looking into you’ he waited a moment before adding ‘I’d have you at Hearts, you seem like a good manager of shit teams’

I just smiled and said 'Stanton was a Hibbie ya' know' and then rubbed the bridge of my nose and squinted my eyes, and for the first time since I heard about Stantons death I actually cried a little. ‘What’s my options then?’

‘You come with me now, we go down to the station and we discuss the charges. I can hold off whoever the FBI send until they themselves get here…’ my turn to cut him off

‘The FBI aren’t gonna be coming to Aberdeen are they?’

‘They’ll probably want us to move you to Edinburgh or possibly Glasgow, but as a Scottish citizen you’ll be our responsibility and we’ll be included in any meetings they have’

‘What have they got on me?’

‘I don’t want to go into it here, all I can say is they’ve given us authority to arrest you based on what they say they’ve got, but as I say my hands are tied and we’ve been told we’re to take you in. I didn’t want to come here I wanted to wait until after the service, I also don’t want this to be any harder than it already is’

‘Right, well let’s get it over with. Oh before we leave let me ring my solicitor…’

‘Mister Wilson has already been informed. He should be on a train by now’

‘I aren’t speaking until he gets here’

‘Appreciated, you’ll have to stay in a holding cell until he does I’m afraid’

We stood up and the plain clothes officer led the way. The old boy with the mouth from the other set of pews stood and pointed and said ‘I telt ya’s he’s a criminal, I telt ya’s all him and tha’ Geordi Bob ahlways with the crimes thems like’ I just shot him a look and he sat down.
 

So instead of saying goodbye to an old friend, I got led out of the service by this guy and into an unmarked car. If you’re keeping count, in 3 years I’ve had dealings with the Turkish Police, The FBI, The Italian FA, The Metropolitan Police and now Scotland Yard. Just the CIA and The Mossad to tick off my list now.

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - Summer 2019

Choose to go the introduction meeting at the student union on your first day at Dundee College of the Arts

Choose to engage in conversation with a guy wearing Aviators indoors, along with a t shirt that said F**K the corporate world, a pair of chinos and his hair in an inverted bob. It was the style at the time, for females

Choose to literally be a College Dropout, as per the namesake of 1 of your favourite albums ever, Kanye’s masterpiece 9 days after starting your History of Art in Sports course
 

01/05 - The Doctor arranges an end of season party for the San Marino first team at some hotel in Serravalle. During the festivities of which I indulge in a lot of alcohol, I confidently and drunkenly announce to the players that next season a play off finish is achievable. The teams placed 2nd to 10th go into the play offs, which I think is certainly doable seeing as how we finished 14th this season and won the cup. Bazza is waving my way as I leave the stage to a mixed reaction to my announcement.

02/05 01:13 - After the players, Mark Jauk and the chairman leave the hotel, myself, Bazza,  Runner Up and the Doctor end up on a train heading East for a place on the coast called Pesaro. During the train ride we consume more cans of beer, the Doctor and Bazza racking up lines of powder consistently and Runner Up dribbling all over his chest. I try to refrain from partaking on the back of being a cup winning football manager ‘get ta fuck will ya, that’s never stopped ya before ya cunt’  Baz proclaims. I cave to peer pressure and hoover up 3 lines in quick succession

06/05 (I think) - a few days which feels like a week after the end of season party and I’m in some randoms gaff cuddled up next to a brunette bird who’s releasing her inner Runner Up and drooling over me as we’re both chatting shit to each other and how we’re both cut from the same cloth, she speaks remarkably good English. Bazza is wearing an Italy flag as a kilt and is still going strong in the middle of a chess game with a fella that claims he’s Frankie Dettori, the jockey. I’ve not seen the Doctor since we got to this house, however long ago that was and Runner Up is laid asleep on the kitchen counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Asher Roth’s debut album Asleep in the bread aisle comes to mind.

Choose to skip trying Marijuana and instead choosing to go all in from the off with ketamine being the first ever drug you take on the evening you dropped out of college

19/05 - Fatih Aktay finishes the season back in Altinordu who we loaned him from, managing 34 games and a measly 7 goals. He needs me to thrive but does get a move to Patrick Vieira’s Osmanlı FC in the Turkish first division on a free to play backup to Ryan Babel up front. Etimesgut and their new manager finished 15th on 38 points and 1 point above the relegation zone. Ugur Turk got in the 1860 first team last season and got 17 in 34, it’s definitely the playing time with me that did that. Staying in Turkey, Bursaspor and that weird crocodile shaped stadium they’ve got were relegated from the Super League. There was also mention of them being linked to the match fixing scandal.

Weird transfer story of the summer time now. Sammy Ameobi of Newcastle had left to sign for West Ham for 9 million in January of the 16/17 season while Newcastle were in the middle of their Championship winning season. He’d played in 13 games and got 13 goals in the second division. In the 2 and half years since as a West Ham player in the Premier League he’d made a respectable 76 appearances and got 15 goals and 25 assists in all competitions, with average ratings of 6.91, 7.1 & 7.2. That’s enough to tempt Chinese side Shanghai Shanggang to spend 33 million on him. Yes you read that right.

Choose to wake up from your first ever ket hole on the hard shoulder of the M74 westbound missing 1 shoe, your Nike hoodie and your hat, wondering who the fuck you are and how the fuck did you survive the night.

Choose between a double sausage and egg McMuffin meal from a Maccys or a bacon sarnie from a greasy spoon on the arse end of Glasgow as you make the first of many walks of shame on your way home.

03/06 - The official start of the Championship season as the fixtures are released a lot earlier than they usually are. Championship winners Nottingham Forest reward manager Ryan Giggs with a new 3 year contract. Blackburn Rovers come second and are joined by play off winners Swansea in the Premier League.

Claude Makelele lasted less than a year at Sunderland, he’d won 9 of the last 15 games to stay in the championship the previous season, but lost 13 from the penultimate game of last season to November. He was replaced by Mark Pembridge, with not so relevant experience at Hull under 18’s for 1 season, and Fulham under 18’s for the previous 10. They finished 23rd and sacked Pembridge the day after they were officially relegated. Garry Monk takes over. 

Choose to reject the offers of football trials at such illustrious clubs as Bonnyrigg Rose Athletic, East Kilbride and Kelty Hearts, instead choosing to piss your football career up the wall with constant boozing and substance abuse. You’re only 21 and this is all you’re giving back to life.

Something you’d normally see on a Football Manager save, Rafa Benitez has taken Newcastle from the second division to Premier League champions in 3 short seasons. Heading into the last game of the season, Newcastle were second on 86 points, behind Man United on goal difference by 1 goal. Newcastle drew 2-2 with Eddie Howes Bournemouth at Saint James Park whilst Jose Mourinho’s side stuttered at Old Trafford to lose 3-1 to Chelsea. Despite an amazing and unexpected second place finish last season no one thought Newcastle would go 1 step further and actually win it. The extra games in the Champions League were meant to hinder them. Anyone that put a bet on Newcastle to win it at odds of around 2500/1 would be a lot better off. Rafa wins back to back manager of the year awards.

The other end of the table saw the Smoggies at Middlesboro finally succumb to relegation, after finishing 16th and 17th the previous 2 seasons to go down in 18th place. Brighton (19th) and West Brom (20th) follow them to the Championship

On 10th February the dog nonces at Rangers sacked Steve McLaren while they were sat fifth in the league, with a you love to see it run of 2 wins, despite them both being over Motherwell, obviously, since December. They hired Alex Neil who was fresh off being sacked by Cardiff with a record of 12-4-16 in 8 months. Progress apparently.

That same day the Rangers news was slightly overshadowed by the news that Liverpool had sacked Ralph Hassenhüttl, their third manager in as many years. This followed a run of 6 straight losses that saw them knocked out of the FA cup by QPR & getting beat 2-1 at Anfield by Man United. But the last straw was a 2-1 loss away at 13th placed West Ham, the winning goal scored by the aforementioned Sammy Ameobi. The only thing of note Ralph did in his time at Anfield was sign Christian Pulisic from Dortmund for 17 million. He played in 14 games, his solitary goal coming against relegation favourites Wigan and he posted no assists. Lee Johnson from Bristol City surprisingly takes over, with his Bristol City side overachieving in 9th place in the Premier League, Liverpool were 12th and 8 points behind Bristol upon his arrival. They finished 8th which is an improvement on last year's 10th, and Bristol 1 point and 1 place below in 9th. Warren Joyce, who took Wigan up to and managed to secure survival in the Premier League takes over at Bristol, who had put Shaun Derry in temporary charge until the end of the season.

Sergio Aguero was the Premier League's top scorer with 29.  Ze Gomes (more on him shortly) of Newcastle had 23 and Alexis Sanchez of Arsenal rounding out the top 3 with 22. 

Choose to go to a party in Glasgow put on by some guy called Goldy despite never meeting the bloke. Choose not to rubber up when you get to know a blonde girl a little better that same night. Choose to go to the clinic in the Maryhill part of Glasgow the next day complaining of stinging sensations when you piss. Choose not to tell anyone the blonde girl at the party gave you the clap.

18/06 - Since the World Cup last year the European International League was in full flow. There’s 4 divisions in this glorified friendly league. Whipping boys of Europe such as San Marino, the nation not my ever improving club side, Gibraltar and other no named hardly any hope nations like Kosovo, Malta and Latvia fail to win anything in Group D,  AKA the losers group. 

The Northern Irish lot failed to win a game in Group C but do get a credible draw against Slovakia at Windsor Park, not that I care for anything to do with Northern Ireland. Despite being World Cup semi finalists, the greatest nation on Earth Scotland are also in Group C, but we boss it going unbeaten, winning 3 and drawing once, back to back wins over Israel, a win at Hampden over Montenegro and a 1-1 draw at their place. Promotion to Group B is secured, going up against big names such as The Republic of Ireland, hopefully we get drawn in their group (there’s 4 within each division), Denmark, Poland and relegated from Division A nations Belgium, Russia, Croatia and Italy surprisingly. England, still under Gareth Southgate, finished top of Division A, winning 2 and losing 2. Germany won the whole thing, beating England 3-1 in the final. Calls for Southgate to leave are unanswered as he’s rewarded for his constant failures with a new contract. Other notable international happenings were that Cape Verde (who?!?) won their maiden African Cup of Nations. The Asia Cup was won by Iran and the Copa America was won by Brazil

24/06 - My first choice center halves Marco Gorzegno & Ivan Knezovic officially retire and the job of scouting and signing replacements is well under way. Marco has taken some courses and is now a fully qualified scout and has signed on to be a scout for us, so he saw his first assignment as looking for his replacement. He manages to find a young player from Serie D side Forli,  Davide Murelli, we open contract talks and agree to sign him, but the idea is he’s 1 for the future at 17. Marco sees a lot of himself in young Davide. Bazza insists he knows a few lads from Stranraer that will join us, despite Mark Jaulk continuingly telling him about the non-EU rule. Bazza says he’ll speak to some contacts at the league to get that changed.

The same day Marco and Ivan retired, the SPL fixtures were released. Motherwell were showing a bit of that Rafa Benitez at Newcastle resolve as we finished runners up to you know who, winning 19, drawing 11 and losing 8. The Steelmen and my spirit animal in charge Steven Robinson also won the league cup, 1-1 after extra time but 5-2 on penalties over the snot gobblers from the green side of Glasgow. The bright lights of the Europa League beckons as we’re drawn against the big boys Saint Josephs of Gibraltar in the first qualifying round. The only sour note of the season being Celtic and their contacts at the SPL forced the transfer of all star goalkeeper Mark Gillespie from Motherwell to Celtic for a decent fee of 2.5 million. Gillespie stated publicly he wasn’t too keen on the move. Motherwell use the money to make Danial Barlaser’s loan from Newcastle permanent for 800k, his 37 games, 16 goals and 12 assists a key part in the second place finish, as well as signing left full back Alexandre from Jangying in China on a free. Robbo also used the Gillespie money to sign Stefano Okaka from Watford for 245K, and the loan signing from Arsenal of Donyell Malen who spent last season in the Championship at Wolves, scoring 17.

Choose to work pay cheque to pay cheque in shitty jobs around Motherwell for minimum wage and live rent free at your parents house all through your twenties. Your da’s adamant he can get you a job down the Menzies factory and your ma tells you there’s a new Aldi opening soon. This should be the low point since choosing to fob off a career in football for gear and girls but it’s not. 

Up and comer Jadon Sancho, on loan from Man City, took Blackburn by the horns and to promotion from the Championship. In 42 games his 15 goals and 16 assists earning him Championship player of the year award. He signed on again on loan at Rovers for their first season back in the Premiership.

Ze Gomes who Newcastle signed from Benfica was a key player for Rafa Benitez as he shows every other team how to go from the Championship to continued progress. 34 goals from Ze Gomes, 23 in the league to go with 16 assists, as he wins the leagues young player of the year. 

Red Bull Salzburg, a team I admire in a lot of ways and a Moneyball team of the highest order, signed a Norwegian kid called Erling Haaland in January from Molde. In the previous 2 seasons, 1 on loan at Brann in Norway, he managed 36 goals in all competitions. Since the Austrian league restarted in February after the winter break, he’s played in 14 of a possible 21 games and scored 13 goals. One to keep an eye on I’m sure.

Choose to go for spinal cord surgery at the tender age of 28 which has a risk rating to go wrong of 40 percent. After being on an acid bender for 3 days you thought you were the Green Lantern and were having a fight with Spiderman, only to fall from the third floor of a block of flats in the Wester Hailes district of Edinburgh, as Runner Up and Leb are too spangled on LSD to help you. You’re laid on the concrete for well over 6 hours before an ambulance arrives. This right here is the low point of your life.

Juventus won Serie A despite Napoli taking it to the final day of the season. Our affiliated club Cesena won Serie B and Brescia, Albinoleffe, Lecce, & Cosenza are promoted from Serie C.

You already know that the soap dodgers won the SPL for the 2 millionth time, a massive 10 points over 2nd place Motherwell. Rangers nowhere to be seen as they finished 5th again. 

Alexander Mitrovic & Alexandre Pato combine to fire Anji Makhachkala (remember them!) to 2nd in the Russia Premier League as Spartak Moscow win the league. Anji also win the Russian FA Cup.

Chelsea beat Manchester City 3-2 after extra time in the Europa League final. Tammy Abraham getting the winner just after the restart.

Atletico Madrid beat Man United 4-0 in the Champions League final in a game that saw Koke, with laughable interest from Man United score a first half hat trick. Arsenal also beat Man United in the league cup final 2-1 to round out a terrible season for Jose Mourinho.

First big transfer of summer 2019 is confirmed as Dmitri Payet turns his loan from Man City to league winners Newcastle permanent,  15 million the quoted fee. This transfer is followed by Zkovich going from Benifca to Monaco for 30 million. 

Jack Colback ends the most random 2 year loan deal by making the temporary move to AC Milan from Newcastle permanent for 5 million. He’s awarded Milans player of the season award this season and is talked about in the same breath as Gennaro Gattuso. As I say, random. 

Choose to become addicted to opioid painkillers and cheap booze instead of acid and coke post op. Choose to play Out of the park baseball for hours on end while in agonising pain in your ma’s dining room. Choose to have a lightbulb moment that will change everything.

Casemiro leaves La Ligas third placed team Real Madrid to join Arsenal for 28 million, which paves the way for Alex Sanchez to demand a move to Manchester City for 57 million. 

Wanting to outdo themselves and needlessly spend more money every season, Man United signed Dele Ali from Spurs for 73 million, which causes yet another protest outside the New White Hart Lane stadium (terrible name), which is shown on Sky Sports News on the hour every hour. Mauricio Pochettino voiced his concerns publicly at the board going over his head yet again on transfers, and he is approached about the vacant Benfica job, which he accepts. Frank De Boer replaces him, and has to deal with Son Heung-Min, 14 league goals and 10 assists last season, leaving for Champions League winners Atletico Madrid, but does get to keep the 26 million they paid for him. He pays way over the odds, presumably that ever talked about ‘English tax’ for Saido Berahaino, 7 goals for Stoke last season at a cool 35 million, and Hakan Çalhanoglu, 12 goals in 3 years at Bayer Leverkusen, 30 million the fee. 

Keeping with Spurs / Man United, Jose Mourinho ruined Harry Kane by signing Robert Lewandovski last season who played in all 38 Premier League games. Kane only appeared in 21 games all from the bench but did get 27 league goals in his 2 years in Manchester. He is subsequently sold to Real Madrid for the small fee of 99 million. This transfer is to replace Karim Benzema who has rejoined Lyon for his final year as a player.

Other manager transfer news sees Rafa Benitez, Premier League winner and Newcastle legend asked about taking over at PSG, Arsenal and Inter Milan in that order. He laughs off PSG in a press conference much like he did to Everton 2 years ago. He says he won’t leave Newcastle any time soon and certainly not for another English side and he doesn’t want to return to Italy just yet. PSG hire Rui Vitoria who is replaced at Benfica by Pochettino as mentioned, Arsenal hire Leo Jardim from Monaco and Inter recruit Vladimir Petkovic. Arsene Wenger takes the French national job.

Choose bringing your oldest and closest friend with you to Ireland, and then to Turkey
 

Choose not to question where he’s been when you don’t see him for days on end

No random transfers to or from China at the minute, although Saudi Arabia seem intent on getting in on the act. Alexander Pato, who’s enjoyed a career resurgence at Anji, playing in a 4-4-2 big man / little man combo up front with Alexander Mitrovic, leaves Russia for Saudi side Al-Raed for 38 million, Anji seeing a cool 30 million profit on their investment. In the 2 seasons at Anji up front with Mitrovic he managed 28 goals and 19 assists, to go with the Russia FA cup and second place finish in the Russian Premier League. Marco Lemina leaves Serie A winners Juventus to sign for Al-Hilal for a 24 million transfer fee, and seeing a reported wage of 475k a week. Gary Medel, Joey O’Brien, Carlos Martins and Raul Meireles also joined teams in Saudi Arabia this summer.

Choose to keep quiet when questioned by the police despite not knowing anything anyway

Choose giving absolutely zero fucks as you hop illegally from country to country hoping to hell you get through this

29/06 - Mirco Severini rings me from his holiday in Luxembourg, where he’s with Eric Veiga. Cesena have terminated his contract a year early, after new manager Marco Giampaolo cites cost cutting as the reason. I tell him we’ll sign him and he agrees to a slight pay cut but key player status. It’s a no brainer, average rating of 6.92. 15 assists and 9 goals to go with his signing of the season award, Sanogo (29 goals, 10 assists) got our player of the year. Both fully deserved the awards.

Choose to rock up in the middle of fucking nowhere and make a name for yourself with a shite football club

Choose to win the cup and survive odds on relegation

02/07 - As a reward from winning the Coppa Italia Lega Pro cup last season, we’re given a place in the Coppa Italia, the Italian FA Cup. We’re drawn against Como, also of Serie C, but they’re in division A, we’re in B.

08/07 - The boys report back for pre-season training, as do new signings Nicola Calcagnotto (center half) Marco Russu (right full back) Kostas Meresiotis (left full back) and Clayton (31  caps for Luxembourg, right winger). Berardi has also signed on after his loan last year. This isn’t a full squad rebuild, more of a complementing the current team. I’m happy with the new signings and hopeful of progressing on our 14th place finish. We didn’t pay a single penny in transfer or agent fees, the Moneyball concept in full swing, I think. We're still on the lookout for another center half however.

Choose to have your name mentioned in San Marino in the same breath as Andy Selva

Choose to answer the phone to another private number, to get unexpected news, for the third summer in a row

‘Jock lad, it’s yur da’, ah’ve got suhm bad news son’

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - My first review

‘Have that ya’ schmuck Trevor Best! You never gave me a fucking chance did ya’? You never had the stones to let me carry on and show you what a great manager I am! You never let me show you what I could do with a team, well, I’m going to show you and the whole world now Trev, I’m going to show you, and I’ll show your daughter too,  all over her stupid ugly face mark my words!’ Così è stato l'allenatore del San Marino Calcio al termine della Coppa Lega….

‘Why you got on that on again pal?’ I asked Runner Up as he switched off the laptop

‘Iiittt’ss…aaahhh…ggooddd….waattcchh….Joooorrkkkk….’ I had to cut him off I didn’t have time to waste listening to this mong try and tell me what he was doing

‘Pass it here ya’ wee dafty’ I took the laptop and saw that the official Coppa Lega Pro Youtube channel had posted the post match video of us winning the cup last week and it had got a mighty one and a half thousand views, of which I’m sure half of that was just Runner Up replaying it to himself.

I feel a sense of achievement. I’ve managed to get to the end of a season as a football manager without being sacked or being forced to resign. Not yet anyway. I keep having this recurring thought that I will take this unfancied team in San Marino, or another underdog team actually to great heights, like Serie A or on some magical FA Cup run knocking big teams out and gaining plaudits for my tactical knowledge and never say die attitude. But at the same time I get this feeling that I’ll just as quick relegate a good team should I ever get the chance of managing a better team. An exciting and worrying thought at the same time, ambivalence I believe the nerds call it.

As a club we did better than anyone, myself included would’ve thought. Winning the lower league cup and being named overachievers in the same competition, as well as finishing 14th and 8 points clear of the relegation play off places means we did more than I set out to do. All I wanted was to give it a go this season and if we went down I wanted us to go down swinging, but swing we did and we hung in there all season.

13 wins is nothing to laugh at and with a full pre season and scouting assignments in full flow I do think next season could be 1 of progression. As I’m still in a job I feel obliged to go over some high and low points, something I wasn’t able to do the previous 2 years.

In all competitions at San Marino I have a record of 21 wins, 8 draws and 20 losses, giving me a 42% win average. I wouldn’t have got any of those wins if it wasn’t for star striker Vamara Sanogo, who played in 37 games and got 29 goals. It was a transfer that was sprung on me and I had no knowledge of who arranged it, I still haven’t found that out and don’t really want there to be any fallback if the deal wasn’t above board. But with reported interest from Polish side Katowice, we signed him from Legia Warsaw, as well as Chinese Super League side Changchun Yatai FC, it may be hard to keep him here. But for now he’s been our main man this season.

As well as Sanogo we had Pavel Vieira to thank, my main guy for 6 short months in Bangor has turned into my main guy in San Marino. He laced them up in 29 games and got himself 4 goals from center midfield and assisted 11 times, which saw him get an average rating of 6.91. He may not be 1 of the better players in the league, hell he’s not even the best center mid we’ve got here, but his professionalism and work rate on and off the pitch, plus his overall leadership in the locker room, all the players listen to him and he’s a full international player for Guinea mean he’s easily a team leader for us.

Speaking of Guinea, Pavel managed to talk his international team mate Anibal into joining and what a signing he’s been. 30 games for us, netting 1 goal which was the equaliser in the first leg of the cup final no less, to go with 1 assist and an average rating 6.90 means he’s going to be key next season. This guy is a rock at the back for us, even when we’ve lost he’s been our best player on the pitch and we’re lucky to have him. Apparent interest in him from fellow Serie C side Rimini but he’s told me he’s staying here.

Our main man though has got to be Mirco Severini on loan from Cesena. An outfield player high of 38 games, only Dini in goal has played more, his 9 goals & 15 assists all coming in key games, as well as a team high average rating of 6.92 shows he’s been our best player this season. Ideally I’d love to sign him permanently, but I can’t speak to him about it officially until he returns to Cesena, but we do tell each other we’ll be in touch over the summer. He seems on board with joining permanently.

With that out of the way I feel like I can plan properly for next season, without being sacked or forced to resign like I have done the previous 2 years. We do have a couple of good prospects, forward Renato Palmieri and winger Moreno Burgio, I say good they’re the best of a bad bunch really and they’ll maybe get some minutes next season, but until we go through scouting reports, decide on a set up and focus for the year, as well deciding whether we’re going to aim for the play offs or not, then we’ll make decisions on the youngsters. 

Same with back up players here. As every manager does I tell the players there’s probably going to be some leaving and some going, we do have a handful out of contract soon too. But I tell the players we’ve got something lined up for them all to see out the season and a job well done, and that from here on we can all be happy with how this season has gone.

I have tried to think about why I got into management and the Moneyball idea I latched on to over 3 years ago. So I’ve gone though my signings here and want to see if I’ve made any headway on the philosophy or not with these signings:

• Sanogo - signed for £47K my largest fee paid so far. He had made 11 appearances on loan at Wigry Suwałki from Legia Warsaw the season before joining us scoring 1 goal. In 3 years as a Legia player he made 2 apps in the league. I don’t feel he would’ve ever gotten much time at Poland's biggest club. So those 13 appearances and 1 goal in 3 years for 47 grand had turned into 37 games and 29 goals for us in 1 year. Yeah, he’s definitely a Moneyball signing!
• Severini - loaned in from Cesena which we paid no loan fee and they covered his wages. In the previous season he was on loan at Santarcangelo Calcio and made 36 appearances, grabbing 6 goals and 2 assists. He does have 3 apps for Cesena over 6 years though. I don’t think is a Moneyball signing really, you can decide.
• Anibal however possibly is. 0 apps for the Genoa first team over 4 seasons there but had managed 17 appearances for their reserves last year. Still got in the Guinea first team though so again I’m on the fence with this one. Does a full international count as a Moneyball signing?
• Tewelde - Had been floating around the German non league scene but like Anibal he was still in the Eritrea side. We got him on a free transfer and he’s played 18 games for us. Another I'm on the fence with, but he's taken to life in San Marino well and I'm looking forward to having him play next season

I purposefully left Veiga off this list. Like Tewelde and Anibal he's a full international player (for Luxembourg) and he was in the Mondercange side until being released so wouldn't count as a Moneyball signing. But like Tewelde he was sprung on me and has played really well, being a key reason why we had won the cup over 2 legs.

== == == == ==

Mental that this is still going strong, keep it up

The Journeyman Jock - The cold 12,000

‘I told you the league are fucking us’ I told the players before I confirmed what they knew was coming ‘with our sensational cup run, we had to postpone 2 games, and now the league have said we need to play these before the second leg’

The 2 league games we had to fit in before the second leg are at home against fellow relegation battlers, 16th place L'Aquila Calcio, and then away at league leaders Ascoli. Both games we could be doing without until after the cup final. The first against L’Aquila is to be played on the Sunday after the first leg, with the trip to Ascoli being played the Wednesday after that. We do have a week from that game until the cup final though, but I’m not sure why we couldn’t play the Ascoli game next week. League politics is what Mark Jaulk tells me, but I reckon it’s got something to do with the FBI case, which is still pending.

The league were generous enough to give us a 4 day break from the first leg of the final before forcing us to play L’Aquila. That was me being sarcastic and it was fatigue that got the better of us as we went down 1-0 to a late goal conceded. But we had enough chances to win it during the game, Sanogo missing a couple of sitters and Di Curzio & Corsini both unlucky not to score as well.

We did get some measure of good fortune as we held champions elect Ascoli to a 1-1 draw at their place. I noticed the Reggiana manager was in the crowd for this game so I gave him the middle finger on my way down the tunnel at full time.

Reggiana have had a full 14 days rest since the first leg and with no news coming out of them regarding team selection I assume they’ve got a full squad available. Runner Up tells me that they’re still the favourites to win the cup despite losing on aggregate. He’s always making bets on football games, I tried telling him not to bet on ours with the case still going on, he won’t have listened I’m sure.

We do have to make some changes to the team that won the first leg though. Di Curzio started the home loss to L’Aquila and came off the bench in the away win at Ascoli, but Corsini starts this second leg as he did the first despite Baz’s protests. Dini didn’t feature in the last 2 but does get his place back for the second leg, more based on experience over young Aka in goal than anything Aka did wrong in his 2 appearances.  Veiga had taken Emre’s place on the right for the last 2 and keeps his place for this. Severini goes into the middle as Maganelli failed a fitness test but is on the bench. Berrardi goes on the left, Vieira has started all of the last 16 games and this is no different. Defence worries me, as Arrigoni makes only his fourth start to partner mister reliable Anibal at center half. Knezovic is banned and Gorzengo had also failed a fitness test last night. D’Addario had been rotated with Albani in the last 2 and keeps his place in the right full back position as Albani drops to the bench. Angelotti redeemed himself in the second half of the first leg and impressed in the 2 rearranged games so is tasked with keeping Turano quiet again.

Starting line up (4-4-2) - Dini (GK), Angelotti (LB), Anibal (DF), Arrigoni (DF), D’Addario (LB, Berrardi (LM), Vieira (captain) (CM), Severini (CM), Veiga (RM), Corsini (CF), Sanogo (CF)

Bench - Aka (GK), Fagioli (DF), Albani (DF), Gorzengo (DF), Peana (DF), Buonocunto (MF), Maganelli (MF), Mazzotti (MF), Tewelde (MF), Emre (MF), Di Curzio (CF) Palmieri (CF)

As we walk out to the pitch, the 12,000 plus crowd are making themselves heard. I try not to be bothered by it but I can hear Baz arguing with some fans behind the dugout as I walk back and take my place there.

We start off on the front foot and Veiga on our right hand side looks lively. He sends a ball into Sanogo who controls it with 1 touch and hits it with another, the keeper makes a fine stop before a defender clears it. As with the first leg we send the first warning shot of the game out.

Not long after that Sanogo again is sent through by Veiga and the keeper hesitates but does come off his line. Sanogo clips the ball up and over him and he nearly celebrates as his arms are up but the ball hits the outside of the post and goes for a goal kick. I really hope we‘re not going to rue these missed chances early on.

The first goal scorer for them in the first leg, the young lad Turano is out wide this time, causing Angelotti some problems with his pace. Berardi is back to cover but Rizzi at center forward who scored in the first leg gets through on goal, but Dini clocked it early and makes the stop with his hands, but immediately crumbles down to the pitch whilst throwing the ball out

‘Baz, fuck sake, go see what’s up’ I say to Bazza and he runs over toward Dini in goal, as he does Veiga comes over and says ‘boss, he fine, I need to tell you something’

‘Go on’

‘Their defender, watch him when Vammy goes near him he takes a step back’ I had actually noticed the center half on their right side is a bit reluctant to engage Sanogo and is standing off him. ‘What you thinking?’ I ask Veiga

‘I will play the ball into the space behind Sanogo, when the defender steps back Vammy should take a step back himself, that will give him some more space’

 As the game restarts we work the ball out wide to our right. Veiga does exactly what he says and plays the ball behind where Sanogo was stood, he steps back to receive it as the center half stands off him, with that extra space he’s made he has time to steady himself and then curls the ball around the defender and passed the keepers left into the bottom corner.

Unlike the first leg we take the lead in the second with a well worked and completely deserved goal.

As the game goes on we keep trying to find Sanogo who’s still more or less unmarked. He manages a flick on to Corsini in the box, who jumps for the high ball and comes down on his right hand and straight away is calling for help. Our physio goes on and signals for the change. Just like the first leg Corsini is the first sub of the game and he is to be replaced in the first half. I go over and speak to Emre ‘I need you on, can you play?’ He just nods and gets his gear off.

From then on however Turano has woken up and we're under a lot of pressure from Reggiana who are chasing the game. He links up with Rizzi on the edge of the box as he did in the first leg but Anibal has caught the idea and closes him down before Rizzi can find him with the pass, but he does shoot and it just grazes the bar as it goes over. Their first real chance of the game.

They do keep the ball a lot but no more real chances come their way before half time. I tell the players we started well but let off a bit when Corsini came off. I tell them I think if we sit deep and make it hard for them to break us down, then go for it on the counter we have enough pace out wide to make things happen.

The plan to sit deep and try and get them on the counter works as we cut off a number of attacks and Sanogo breaks the line and hits the post for the second time in the match early in the second half.

That Turano cunt is killing us on our left hand side though, he manages to get through again and not for the first time he cuts back at the edge of the box and lays it off to Zanardi in the middle who hits it first time and pulls out a wordle of a save from Dini in our goal. Too close for comfort that one.

Veiga has ran his socks off and I can see he’s tired so we make a change and put Emre on the right and bring on Di Curzio who scored the equaliser last time to partner Sanogo up top.

I look at the Regi manager who looks back with a mutual sort of look, but we can both sense another goal is coming. As I look up from his gaze Sanogo has made another defence splitting run into the box and is tripped by Zito as he takes a touch, easy penalty decision. Not 1 Reggiana player or staff contended it.

Sanogo’s down holding his ankle from the tackle, I’m telling him to get up and take it but he waves and insists he can’t. Severini walks over and picks up the ball, he’s next on the list to take penalties.

He steps up and puts the ball down. He looks right at the keeper, runs up and he goes right, the keeper goes left. We’re nearly there! 2-0 on the day, 5-2 on aggregate.

I see members of the 12,000 strong crowd getting up and leaving early, we’ve got 20 minutes to go to see it out and make the next and final change, Sanogo comes off with a slight limp from the challenge that won us the penalty, Tewelde comes on. His work rate closing down from the front is going to be key to see out the game.

We’re happy to concede a corner with 10 to play however, and like our first goal in the first leg it’s taken quickly and it’s played short. Fun fact I hate short corners, don’t know why I just always have and they boil my piss. Anyway it goes to that little shit Turano who drives in and clips in over Arrigoni who’s watching butterflies and the ball falls right onto Filipo Motti who taps it in to give them a lifeline in the game with just under 10 to play. 1-2 on the day, 3-5 on aggregate.

As expected they’re on us in a flash from kick off but we hold firm. Rizzi is through on goal beating the offside trap, and Dini comes out to close down, dives for the ball and clips the man but certainly not the ball. For a brief moment time stops and nothing happens. There’s silence from the crowd, my head is empty of everything other than please god don’t give a penalty. My prayers are answered as the the ref waves for a corner. I see the Reggiana bench all jump up screaming and protesting but it’s no dice, the refs not interested.

We do manage a late attack and as Severini drives forward he tries to be fancy by knocking it passed Turano to run onto it, but he isn’t as quick as the young lad and loses the ball, Turano is on it and Reggiana are advancing on the counter. We’re tracking back and it’s all in slow motion to me much like the penalty incident a few moments earlier, as we do eventually get back in our half Emre gives a foul away on the right wing by pulling the man down. A veteran move and a tactical foul I say to myself as Emre takes the yellow without a word., The issue now is we’re slow in lining up to defend and up steps Turano to take the free kick.

I don’t know if this is because he’s playing in the third division or not but this kids got something about him. You can tell he’s got talent written all over him. He steps up and sends in a great long and high looping ball into the box. We’re man marking but Tewelde and Di Curzio are staying high with only 1 defender there, meaning we’re a man short in the box. The ball finds it’s way to young forward Patrick Chezzi, who was probably chucked on to get minutes in a game that Reggiana thought was done and dusted. 

His touch is sublime as it takes the ball from Arrigoni and he buries the ball into the net. 2-2 on the day, 4-5 on aggregate. 6 minutes of extra time to play!

Extra time is here and I’m bricking it, do we sit back and try and hold on, or as Bazza tells me ‘fuck it kid, attack is the best form of defence, boot it up to Curzio and the fast lad’. The game kicks off and we’ve got the ball. I look to Emre who asks what to do, and decide to go against Baz’s suggestion. I’d rather defend for our lives than get caught on the counter again. 

A very nervy 4 minutes ensues as Turnao has got the desire to get another goal to send us to extra time. Rizzi is causing Anibal issues, Arrigoni I can tell isn’t confident. I scream instructions to the players, Emre is shouting in broken English, Severini finally is tracking back and closing down for the first time this season, I’m willing the players on, Baz is screaming his lungs out. I see the Doctor and Runner Up slide into the dugout with a carrier bag each and Runner Up shouts toward the pitch to no one in particular ‘noohhtt looonnggg…noooowwww laarrddssss……yoouuss caahhhhnnn doooo iiiit’. When he finally stops talking and the drool from his lips drops the floor all I can think about is that scene in Waterboy where Rob Schneider's character says 'you can do it'.

I shake my head, that bad luck charm is the last thing I need at this moment in time. I am however praying to whoever the chosen God is on this day that we don’t concede again, which we nearly do. Anibal plays it back to Dini in goal who completely misses Turano pressing from the right and Dini clears it straight to Turano who hits it on the volley first time but as it’s dipping Dini is back pedaling and tips it over the bar. The ref must have money on us to win the cup as he gives us a goal kick. Dini even looked shocked to get that call but is taking his time over the kick. The crowd is just about empty now apart from the 300 or so San Marino fans to my left. 

Time ticks by as slow as ever. I look at the ref and he’s looking at his watch. Dini takes the goal kick and it goes long. Tewelde doesn’t bother chasing it down and stays on the half way line. The Reggiana bench are screaming instructions. They play it long towards our area but Anibal is first to the ball and heads it wide to Severini who just punts it down the line. The Reggiana full back takes a touch to control but the ball skims off his foot and out for a throw to us deep in their half.

Tewelde is walking over to where the ball is waiting on the touchline and taking his time, the ref knows there’s nothing else to play for and finally he blows for full time. 2-2 on the day, 5-4 to us on aggregate! 

San Marino Calcio, relegation fodder and overwhelming favourites to go down, with a criminal (still unproven) as a manager, are Coppa Italia Lega Pro champions.

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - The warm 3,000

A quietly warm morning at the San Marino Stadium. I’m here early, not because of any planning or getting a feel for the day, I’ve not been to sleep since that twat Runner Up turned up yesterday afternoon with Baz and the Doctor and we got on it in the office at the stadium and now I’ve got to get sorted for the big day.

This is the morning of the first leg of the final in the prestigious Coppa Italia Lego Pro, pitting Jock McGhee and San Marino Calcio against AC Reggiana, and I’m about to lead the boys out for war!

On a personal note I know only a win here will do, I don’t care if it’s 6-0 to us, a 7 goal thriller or an own goal from their keepers left bollock in the 18th minute of extra time. A win is what I want, is what I need! I’ve not heard anything from the FBI or my solicitor, but a win here would go some way to ridding me of the title of match fixer extraordinaire, I hope.

With that in mind I had the scouting team out the last week looking at things we can use to poke holes in the Reggiana set up, and all they came back with was this, I’ve bullet pointed it for ease:

• They usually play 4-5-1
• They’ve lost the 3 league games
• They’re a threat going forward
• They’re competent if sometimes inconsistent at the back
• They’ve got the highest goals to games ratio in the league
• They’ve got the worst goals conceded to games ratio in the league
• They’ve given minutes to young prodigy winger Maurizio Turano in every game so far this season
• San Marino have never beaten Reggiana

So basically, from 3 scouts, 1 head scout and a director of football, they’ve brought me a list of things I could’ve found out myself by checking the stats page of the league! 

This young kid Turano though, I’ve seen him, and he’s decent. He’s what you’d call a hot prospect with pace to burn and a confidence and swagger I’ve not seen in a player since, well, myself. He’s mainly a right winger, so Angelotti gets the nod at left full back over D'Addario, only because he’s quicker. D’Addario has played most of the season at left full back, but Turano needs to be watched. Severiini doesn’t track back at the best of times no matter how much I threaten to bed his mam or yell at him so we’ll need to be strong down our left, and Angelotti is marginally better defensively than D’Addario is.

== == == == ==

‘Gentlemen, this is it. This may not be the biggest cup final in Italy, or even the biggest game of your own personal careers, but this is…’ I was cut off by Bazza as he proclaimed ‘fuck that lads, this is the biggest game of your lives! Do not underestimate that fact!’

I let Bazza do the rest of the team talk, and it consisted mainly of killing the Reggiana  full backs, with pace I hastily added, murdering the their midfield, with killer through balls I told the boys, and that was the pre match team talk more or less done and dusted, with little input from me really. We’d made it to the final against the odds and whatever the outcome, we deserved to be here.

I look at the stadium and for the first time in my time here, it’s full. All 3,000 seats are filled and it seems most of the population of San Marino are here today. That's hyperbole of course, but this team have only ever pulled in crowds of 700 at most. 

Starting line up (4-4-2) - Dini (GK), Angelotti (LB), Knezovic (DF) Anibal (DF), Albani (RB), Severini (LM), Maganelli (CM), Vieira (CM), Emre (RM), Sanogo (CF), Corsini (CF). 

Bench - Aka (GK), Arrigoni (DF), Gorzegno (DF) Peana (DF) D’Addario (DF) Buonocunto (MF) Tewelde (MF) Gambini (MF), Mazzotti (MF / CF)  Veiga (MF), Di Curzio (CF) Palmieri (CF)

I tell the players to play with confidence and let their football do the talking, and it nearly pays off early on. Emre and Vieira, 2 of my trusted players combine on the right hand side by playing a 1-2 which releases Emre to the byline, he whips a cross in that Sanogo flicks on at the near post and Corsini can’t glance his header into the net.  A warning shot.

Reggiana fire their own warning shot back at us right away, as Severini is caught in possession on our left and they release Turano, who I was shocked was starting the game, down the wing and he’s torn Angelotti apart with his pace, he whips his own cross in and Dini tries and fails to catch it, the ball falls to their forward who is stopped by Anibal at the last moment, thankfully.

The breakthrough does come though and the little twat Turano is full of confidence, you can see it etched on his smug face. He cuts inside onto his left and Reggiana play a neat series of passes on the inside left channel, and they find Turano on his own in the box, Angelotti reacts too late and Knezovic decides not to leave his man in the area so Dini comes off his line, as he does Turano just places the ball under our onrushing keeper. Fuck.

After they celebrate like they’ve just won the World Cup and the game restarts I scream at Emre and Vieira to get something happening. We’ve had 1 chance in the game and we’re gonna need at least another to level it up. We do make their keeper work however and it’s Emre again down our right hand side. He doesn’t make it to the byline this time but he floats a ball over into the area, Sanogo takes a touch and hits it on the half volley. Everything he touched so far this season has turned to goals but the keeper pulls of an excellent save. Still 1-0 to them, but if we keep this up that score could change.

They’ve done nothing since scoring the goal and Turano has been sat deep and I don't think he’s left his own half since the goal, the Reggiana manager keen to keep the score at 1 to them. We do force a corner with about 10 to play in the half though. Vieira whips it to the far post, Sanogo outjumps everyone and heads it back towards the penalty spot. Severini, relatively quiet up until this point takes a touch to steady himself just inside the area but is closed down and loses the ball and fumbles trying to recover. 

The ball is played out wide to their right hand side where that little shit is bombing forward, his touch takes him deep in our half and Angelotti tries and fails to stop the run. He cuts inside on to his left and Dini is out to close the angle down. Anibal has made it back along with their forward Rizzi, as the ball comes in Anibal jumps to head it, misses completely and Rizzi has the whole goal to himself as Anibal is laid on the grass, Dini isn’t even goal side of Turano any more, Rizzi takes a touch, he even has time to look at the linesman for a foul on Anibal maybe? Or offside? But the lino is just stood there motionless with the flag by his side, and Rizzi taps into the net. Double fuck.

Heads have clearly gone in our side as they’re all just walking back and from kick off there’s no urgency. I don’t know where Bazza is but Mark Jaulk comes over and tells me what he thinks we need to do to get back in the game. I can’t hear him though as I’m doing my best to will the players on and to get back into the game. Mercifully the ref blows for half time. 2-0 to them and looking like it could be more come full time.

The players come in and sat down dejected. I hear some commotion outside so turn my head to the door and I see Bazza storming down the corridor

‘Ya’ daft wee prick of a cunt, that was a foul that second goal you fucking bottled it ya’ shite. I bet that Ciro cunts been in your back burner ain’t he’ I hear Bazza say as he comes in and slams the door behind ‘fuck that ref and linesman lads, they’re fucking you over, there’s absolutely no reason that second goal should’ve stood’ I could see his eyes are red raw, he’s clearly going radgy on some gear but it’s worked, as Pavel stands up and shouts ‘the coach is right, we’re being beaten by the ref!’

Never being in a cup final as player or manager I didn’t have the words or know what to do to get us back in this game. I tell the players to believe in themselves and just go for it, all out attack and if the worse we can do is reduce the deficit and take a small aggregate to the second leg, so be it

As they went back to the pitch I asked Bazza ‘you must’ve been down at half time in a cup final or other game in your career, what do we do here pal? I genuinely don’t know?’

I see the silly twat open a bag of powder, twist to his left out of sight, take a big sniff and whisper to me without stopping to take a breath ‘fuck that donkey off up front he’s done nout I don’t know why you started him there but get Emre up top with Yannick and and stick Veiga on the right cos their left backs all over the place he’s bound to fuck up with a bit more pace at him’

And we do just that, with Corsini, despite 3 goals in the last 3 games, coming off and Emre moving up top alongside Sanogo and not for the first time this season. I also take Baz’s advice and put Veiga on the right wing. It pays off around 8 minutes in to the second half as once Veiga gets into the groove he’s fouled by the Reggiana left back Ragazzini who gets a yellow. I try and fail to convince the fourth official it was a red card offence though. I scream at the boys to focus the play down our right hand side with their full back now on a yellow and flapping at everything, just like Bazza said he would.

From then on it’s all us. Every bit of play is in the Reggiana half. Turano is kept quiet by Angelotti who’s got the youngster in his back pocket finally. Severini is getting the full left wing to himself, and Veiga is making runs down the right, but the center halves are having the better of our forwards. Severini manages to get a cross into the box which takes a deflection and goes for a corner.

Sensing my urgency Severini doesn’t wait for anyone to get ready as he swings in the corner right away with the keeper trying to punch it away despite being under no pressure, but the ball carried on it’s flight into the box and fell as nice as you would ever want to Knezovic who’s got no company and an open goal to aim at and he heads it in. 2-1, back in the game!!

The come back is on and during the celebration I bring Emre off and stick Di Curzio up top with Sanogo. Not only is the comeback on but it is complete 2 minutes later. 

The kick off is taken and played back to the Reggiana goal. I’m willing Sanogo and Di Curzio to press from the front and Sanogo puts the keeper under pressure who tries to clear it but as he does it hits Di Curzio on the head and the ball literally loops back over the keeper into the net. 2-2!!! The subs have made the difference and Di Curzio gets his 14th of the season!

Reggiana are deflated, more than we were in the first half but we’re not letting up. Severini is now in his groove and he is taking the piss out of their right back. Yet another corner for us is swung in by Severini but it’s cleared to Vieira who expertly plays it back to ever willing Severini. He’s cut inside on his right and floats the ball to the far post where Anibal, still up from the corner is rushing in, and does a scissor kick on the volley and it thunders into the net as the keeper tries to get a hand on it. Scenes at the San Marino Stadium!

We make 1 last change as Severini who’s been by far the best player this half comes off, and is replaced by D’Addario. We see out the final 10 minutes to secure a 3-2 victory heading into the second leg.

The dressing room is full of energy, congratulations and a feeling I’ve not felt in the 2 and a bit years I’ve been a manager. I look and see Runner Up drooling in the corridor and the Doctor is mouthing to me ‘party at yours tonight then’. I’ve not been to sleep since last nights get together, and I guess I won’t be getting my head down tonight either!

I tell the players they did incredibly well to win that game, and that we can go on and win the full thing next week at their place. We didn’t come though the first leg unscathed though which is a worry.

Knezovic will be banned for the return leg after picking up another yellow. Mark had said we’ll need to get a fitness test on Dini in goal, as he’s complaining of stubbed fingers he’s sustained during the game but didn’t want to say anything or get brought off which in hindsight may have been the wrong choice. I notice Pavel is moving gingerly around the dressing room, Mark tells me he’s said he’s got a tight groin so something else we’ll need to look at in the coming days. We bought Emre off as he had twisted his ankle in the build up to the first goal.

Not that any of that matters right now. We’ve got 1 hand on that trophy, and if nothing else happens from now on until the end of the season, we can enjoy a comeback win and let this feeling of elation last just a little bit longer.

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - The Wolfpac

In between beating Paganese over 2 legs to get us into the final of the Coppa Italia Lega Pro, we’ve had back to back losses, against much better sides though. Venezia, everyone knows Venezia, proud owners of impeccable home kits year after year, and Carrarese who, well nobody knows them but they were better than us on the day. We did find our feet again before losing 1 more to make it back to back to back losses in the league, but 4 wins and a draw from then on make us the form side heading into the final. 

We’ve got just 1 more training session before the big game, our opponents are AC Reggiana, who for reference have lost the last 3 games. It’s a 2 legged game, we’re at home in the first leg, which I can’t decide if that’s a good thing or not, or if it benefits us or Reggiana more.

After the final training session with the team I told them I think it best if they just relax, don’t overthink things and play the game with no pressure, silently thinking that if we win the game will it relieve some pressure from me? Will I be spoke about as a good coach and not someone that spent a year in Turkey fixing matches? I am trying to figure out how best to approach the game and who to start when Bazza my first team coach and the Doctor our friend come into the room giggling like little school girls

‘Right, big game tomorrow innit’ the Doctor said enthusiastically before adding ‘so we’ve got you a surprise’

‘Oh for fuck sake lads, no, just no. I aren’t going out or getting involved in anything illegal with yous, not the day before the cup final, forget it’

‘Told you he wouldn't be arsed’ Bazza said

‘Shurrup man, anyway Jock I don’t care what you say, here’s your surprise. Close your eyes’

I really couldn’t be bothered with this and thought it best to get it over with so I closed my eyes. As I did I heard a shuffling noise and the door opening and closing again, before Bazza said ‘go on then, open up boss’. As I did it took a second to register, but stood in front of me holding a can of Stella in 1 hand and an umbrella in the other was another member of our little crew, Runner Up. 

Now between us normally I’d be ecstatic to see him, overjoyed even. However, as I’ve pointed out already he’s got the name Runner Up because he’s been an amateur boxer, welterweight if you’re wondering, for most his life and he always loses his fights, hence the name Runner Up. As an amateur boxer he’s 1 won fight in god knows how many attempts, the only win coming against a lad who was blind in 1 eye! Even then that fight went the distance and he won by 1 point!

‘What the fuck is he doing here?’

‘Welllll…. Jock laaahhd…. I thoooought you’d be happy….. to see me….likes’ Runner Up said in that stupid slow Aberdonian drawl whilst his ever consistent usual drool was dribbling out the side of mouth

‘Aye normally I would pal, truly to God I would, I’d even throw you the biggest welcoming party this side of Glasgow has ever known, I'd have invited half of Motherwell round, order all of South America’s stock of marching powder and get it shipped over on banana boats, got every bottle of Peroni in San Marino any other night, except the night before a fucking cup final!’

‘What’s that gotta do with anything?’ The Doctor asked  ‘the Wolfpac haven’t been together in nearly 3 years!’

‘You fucking melon, you an all Baz’ I yelled and looked at them both ‘bringing this fucking bad omen, this lone Magpie in a sky of fucking birds, this absolute wet flannel that can’t fight sleep never mind fight other people despite being a fucking fighter!!’ I let the comment hang there, Runner Up still smiling like a Cheshire Cat on amphetamine absolutely oblivious to the insult ‘this crank’s name is Runner fucking Up for a reason! You think I wanna finish second tomorrow? Do ya? If we lose over 2 legs I’m blaming you both, I don’t care what score it is, if we don’t win that cup it’s on both of you!’ I said pointing to Baz and The Doctor, whilst Runner Up had a look on his face that seemed to say what am I doing here? I added ‘and the Wolfpac, the fucking Wolfpac?? Every bastard time we’re together something bad happens, don’t even get me started on that night down Bristol Zoo where Leb got locked in the seal enclosure!'

I took a breath, sat back down and then stopped my rant. After a moment all 3 of them burst into simultaneous laughter  ‘You absolute weapon man’ the Doctor quipped before Runner Up said  ‘Joooock you….cheese melt…. yoooou haaahhd us…. fooled foooor a…. minute there…. likes’ And before I could reassure them that I was in fact being deadly serious, Baz said ‘right that’s that out the way, Bob rack up some lines, I’ll grab the ales, Jock grab some glasses will ya and Runner Up, wipe that fucking spit off ya’ coupon will ya’

So I found myself in San Marino with 2 of my oldest friends in the world, Bazza and the Doctor, and another member of our group we call the Wolfpac, Runner Up, all that was missing from this little party was the other members of our crew. Guinness and Double-O 7. He’s called Guinness because he’s got white hair, actually naturally white hair, and when we were kids he came back from holiday in Tenerife with a monster sun tan, but it hadn't stayed red it had sort of gone like a dark brown colour, and with his white hair someone said he looked like a pint of Guinness, genius. It’s stuck ever since. Double O-7 is a sad tale. His real name is John, or Simon I can never remember. Anyway at school he was a decent defender, and got taken on the youth set up at Rangers. But the guy running it there dropped him and said it was because he had 0 talent, 0 effort and only played 7 minutes all year. So yeah 007. He’s still trying to make it as a player. Oh how can I forget, and a guy called Leb, he’s not really someone that’s in our circle of mates, he’s just someone that always seems to be around. He’s called Leb because he was a chick called Leanne’s last boyfriend before she started in the adult entertainment industry. The story goes that Leb was so bad in the sack she cracked and went on to become a porn actress, so Leanne's Ex Boyfriend, Leb. Nice guy, but probably shit in bed.

Along with the boys I had my trusted comrade Mark Jaulk there as we were trying to plan for the first leg of the clubs, and my own first ever cup final, that was due to kick off in less than 24 hours time, but what we really did was get wasted, tell stories and generally have a blast.

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - One small step for San Marino

As I look at the paperwork Pavel Veiria has just signed and the ink is still somewhat dry, a nice 1 year extension to his current deal, I think to myself this could be the start of building this team up for success. He’s been a key player for us this year, just like he was for 6 whole months in Bangor, which seems a lifetime away when in reality it’s only 2 years since he upped sticks and bolted for Ballyclare fucking Comrades, winners of the Northern Ireland Intermediate cup courtesy of knocking me and Bangor out on the way. I don’t hold a grudge but a Scotsman never EVER forgets. Sorry, where was I?

Oh yeah, so we’re not totally clear of relegation yet, we’ve still got just under half the season to go, but we’re looking good. I’ve got 2 cans of Red Bull to open, I’ve just downed 3 Tramadol tablets and an Oxycodone tab to relieve the pressure in my back, excessive I know but I’ve been on opioids for years, as well as having Bazza and Mark here with me as we’re talking transfers

‘I don’t know anyone in San Marino pal’ Bazza says in a concerned sort of way

‘I know that ya dafty, am not asking you who we can sign from here, I’m just saying we need some reinforcements, specifically wingers’

‘Why? Sevvers is doing just fine and Emre….’ I cut Bazza off, he’d been out last night with the Doctor, who I’d not seen for a couple of days, so Baz was probably still half cut and certainly not been to sleep yet

‘Emre's knackered, I mean he’s older than me and I get fatigued just looking as the poor twat’s playing 90 minutes twice a week! He’s played more for us this season already than he did in the last full season in Turkey! If either go down injured we’re totally fucked out wide’ That was an exaggeration of the truth, but Emre has played a lot of football, and I do look at him and think how in the fuck is he gonna carry this on? I need this man to be my leader on the pitch, him going down is a thought I could be doing without.

Mark and Bazza go about their day with the objective of going through scouting reports and speaking with the club's scouting team to see who they can dig out. Now between us I know next to no one in San Marino that will come and play here, Andy Selva maybe, he’s probably still banging the goals in for some Sammareese pub team, and even the lure of playing in the Italian leagues third division may not be big enough to tempt some players here. 

With Brexit being confirmed and The UK, long live the Queen by the way, love ya’ Liz, now officially confirmed as leaving the EU, all players from Britain are classed as non-EU, and the Serie C league rules state in that regard as follows:

Teams may not sign any non-EU players from abroad. Teams are permitted to sign up to 2 non-EU players from within Italy. San Marino being included as a non-foreign nation, and can be classed as a home nation. 

So going back to Scotland and giving some of Bazza’s old team mates a call is a no go for now. In Serie B teams are allowed to sign 1 non-EU player from abroad, which I’m not even thinking about yet. San Marino Calcio being in Serie B seems a million years, if not more, away at the minute.

My phone rang, the one Alexa got me on my way into San Marino, and it was an unknown number. The last time I answered an unknown number was when I got offered the Etimesgut job 18 months ago, and I would be getting offered something this time as well, although not a job

‘Hello?’

‘I hear you’re in the market for some players, wingers specifically?’

‘Who’s this? Is that you Bazza?’

‘No, it’s not David’ David, can’t remember the last time anyone, myself included, had called him by his real name.

‘Oh don’t tell me, Bazza has brought Runner Up to San Marino as well has he? That prick takes some fucking liberties let me tell….’ the man cut me off

‘No, it’s not your friend Simon Ewing’

‘Huh? How’d you know Runner Ups real name?’

‘I just do. Listen, the club has made a couple of deals. Mark Jaulk and David Barron are with your scouts, but they don’t need to look for wingers’

‘Oh right, Pavel, I told you when we signed Anibal I don’t want to accused of tapping up, luckily Tomas Grenisz (the clubs Head Scout) was there to secure the deal before it got out of hand and….’ cut off, again

‘No this isn’t Pavel or Tomas. You need wingers. I’ve arranged for the agent of a current international player that plays on the right and…’ My turn to cut this wide head off

‘No stop it, this isn’t funny. I’m up to my fucking eyeballs with accusations I can’t be doing with any more bullshit thrown my way’

As if he hadn’t heard me he carried on ‘You’ve also noted you want a left winger. Another current international is on his way to you for you to agree terms. You can thank me later’ 

Click, he hung up. As I tried to get my bearings and reassure myself this was just Bazza and the Doctor, and possibly Runner Up playing a joke on me, there was a knock at the door. ‘Yep’ I said as the door opened

‘Jock, there is man to see you’ it was Antonia the clubs receptionist, who spoke little but ever improving English

‘Erm, thanks. Is he alone?’

She took a minute then said ‘No, he is with another male and seems to be, erm, in a rush’

‘Send him in I guess’

She let this register then nodded and smiled. As she did, a man much shorter than me walked in and sat down. He had a dark complexion, face covered with freckles and is clearly not European. He looked me dead in the eyes and said ‘nice to meet you finally. You keep dodging my calls, luckily we both have same agent eh’

‘I don’t have an agent, who are you?’

He just dismissed my comment, turned to the door and said ‘Yannick, hurry up, money is on my mind and time is on my money’. I didn’t correct him.

Just then another man walked in, a bit taller than the first man and sat down next to him showing a look that was one part contempt, one part confusion and two parts couldn’t be arsed at all.

‘This is Yannick Tewelde, but you already knew that’

‘Erm, aye corse I did’. I lied

‘He just finished his international duty with Eritrea in Ethiopia and he is hungry for club football’

I resisted the massive urge to make a Live Aid joke, instead going with ‘Righto, erm, so the deal then yeah?’ hoping beyond anything that this guy would take the lead on this meeting I had no idea about until around 45 seconds ago

‘Yes of course. You already offered him 500 Euro a week to play back up to the young man from Cesena, erm that Sever boy’

‘Severini, yeah he’s played a lot of football and will need to be rotated’

‘Yannick also needs a rest, Eritrea have played a lot of football too’ Great, I thought he’s not even signed and he’s already wanting a rest. Give me strength!

As the meeting went on I let this guy talk and talk while I pretended to write things down on the laptop I had, and found that Eritrea had in fact played 3 games in the last 10 days. Two at home against Kenya & Somalia and the last one away in Ethiopia. I appreciated that the time taken flying from Ethiopia to San Marino by way of Italy probably had worn my new back up winger out.

The deal was sealed and as I use Great British Pounds as opposed to Euro when working out deals, he signed an 18 month contract, on the equivalent of £475 a week deal. Naturally left footed, can play both sides I’m quietly happy with whoever arranged this transfer.

As Yannick left the room another meeting took place. Antonia came back in and said ‘another man to see you’ and she guided the next person in.

‘Let me guess, you’ve just finished international duty, you’ve agreed the deal and are here to sign it?’ I said. The other chap smiled and nodded.

‘You’ll be wanting a rest as well I take it?’

Again another nod, but with a wry smile this time

‘Remind your name, I’ve had that many meetings I’m losing track’

‘Eric Veiga’

‘Ahh yes, bare with me’ I said as I turned to my laptop and found him. Eric Veiga, right midfielder, had just played 3 games for Luxembourg, two away at Gibraltar & Kosovo and the final one here in San Marino. He’s been released from his contract at Luxembourg side Mondercange (great team name by the way) and has come to sign the deal I apparently already discussed with him. I also note a message on Skype from Tomas Grenisz 4 minutes ago which I missed:

Jock,

Veiga on his way as discussed. 

Backup midfielder, same contract as Tewelde. 

Great guy, loves jazz music, big on religion (Christianity), hates chocolate milkshakes. Favourite drink is lemon tonic water with ice. 

Go to meal is pasta and pesto with a bit of grated cheese.

Muchas gracias

A couple of brief meetings in the space of 5 maybe 6 minutes, I knew football management was a whirlwind job at times, but getting 2 new players in without lifting a finger has got to be up there as strange if not ever been done. I don’t know who arranged these deals, I’m a bit nervous to start asking around, it may drop me into some hot water with the feds, so I’ll keep quiet for now.

As for our next few games, we’ve got Paganese Calcio next up, in the semi final of the Coppa Italia Lega Pro, basically the lower league cup. Think the Scottish Challenge Cup that Irn Bru sponsors, or the Johnstones Paint Trophy in England. I don’t care what anyone says about it’s prestige, I’m taking this cup seriously, and let the team know in our meeting on the day before the game

‘We’ve got 1 foot in the final already I can feel it. We’ve got a couple of new players to welcome to the team’. I look over at Tewelde and Veiga, who are sat next to Emre and Pavel respectively. ‘They’ve come in and will do a job on our rotation, but that doesn’t mean any of you lot (I point out Emre, Severini, Berardi and Sanogo) can take it easy going forward. We’re still fighting on 2 fronts, this cup which I know we’ve got a chance of getting to the final and winning, and surviving relegation’

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - The day I met The Old Lady’s favoured personnel

Despite the recent hounding of the FBI and the Met Police kind of having my back, by the time December came around, I was happy with how we’d done. 13th in the league, there are 20 teams, the bottom placed team goes down, then the 4 above them go into a relegation play off. Teams placed second to tenth go into a promotion play off against other teams in the other 2 groups of this league. Still with me? Good.

Starting off strong with back to back wins in the cup that saw us progress, and a so so run of form in the league meant we were above where I genuinely thought we’d be by this point of the season. 1 thing is for sure, we are a threat going forward, it’s just on the defensive end where we lack confidence. 

I got the scouting team to go on the hunt for another center half, as the 2 we’ve got, Marco Gorzegno (35) & Ivan Knezovic (36) are, in no way do I mean disrespect, but they’re getting on a bit and their pace isn’t what it was. Upon hearing this Pavel Veiria told me he knows someone that we could possibly get in, and he’s interested in the move

‘Isn’t that tapping up tho Pav?’

‘Oh no no no, it is no tapping if I ask my friend, I mean team mate internationally’ Pavel said, trying to reassure me

‘Okay, well I’ll get Mark to make the call’

‘No need, he is here in San Marino today’

I appreciated the forward thinking but things are going okay for me at the minute, and I do not need to be charged with tapping up to go along with the match fixing allegations I’ve still yet to receive the all clear from. But what’s done is done, and we had a meeting with Anibal  at the club, and we ironed out a deal after a quick medical cum trial.

A full international of Guinea Bissau, and international team mate of Pavel, Anibal looks a strong player and I’m certain he’ll be a success, if for nothing else he’ll be able to track back and close down quicker than Marco or Ivan. He’s got everything I want in a center half, tall at 6 foot 2, can jump, head and tackle as well as looking so bad he could make onions cry. He’ll be a star in this league I’m certain of it.

Before our first game of the new year, I was sat in a cafe in San Marino when I saw a bit of commotion from the staff and the other customers. A man walked in with an air of grace and giving off an aura of I’m better than you. But being a narcissist myself I don’t like seeing or being around other big headed knobs so I turned away and went back to my newspaper, of which I could hardly read. My Italian wasn’t as good as I thought..

The man pulled up a chair beside me, waved to the waitress and said ‘due caffe, per favore, tesoro'

In quite possibly a new world record the girl vanished and reappeared with a tray with 2 coffees, some milk and 4 Biscoff biscuits on

‘I recognise you, you arrogant twat’ I said taking 1 of the cups ‘I don’t care if you don’t speak English either’ I added. This is good coffee. Best quality I’ve ever had.

‘My Friend Fabio, he owns this shop, really good quality, no?’ This guy said

‘Aye, banging coffee like, bit short on the Peruvian condiments though’ 

He didn’t bat an eyelid before saying ‘My friend also says you’re a bit, erm, how the English put, full of yourself?

‘I’m Scottish ya’ cunt’

‘And you like to swear’

‘As I said, Scottish. Anyway who in the blue hell are you, I recognise you’ As I said that a young lad, 12 maybe 13 came and spoke in Italian and handed the man a piece of paper which he signed and then took a picture with the boy. ‘I am your opponent tomorrow, my team is Latina, we will be winning the game, I just wanted to see if the rumor about you is true’

‘What rumor?’

‘Oh you know, you’re a fraud and you fix matches. I do not mind, I am here to see if you will accept a bribe?’

‘Fuck you’

‘Well in that case I will bid you a farewell Jock. I have your friend the Doctors number, maybe he will be more receptive to our offer’

‘Who are you? Has that Canadian Yank prick from the FBI sent you? And before he could answer Mark Jaulk, my assistant had come into the cafe and said ‘that is Ciro Ferrara, world class player in his day’ then turned to Ciro and said ‘but I think you’re not so much a great manager as you were a player’

‘Bloody hell, yeah that’s how I reognise this prick from. What’s up chico you can’t cut it as a manager so you’re making bribes eh?’

He just smiled and walked out the cafe, the gaggle of adoring young Sammarinese people following him out the door.

‘We play his team, Latina tomorrow. What did he say?’

‘Something about bribes and he’s going to ring the Doctor, don’t worry about it, it’s nothing, he’s just trying to play mind games’

We played Latina the next day and the game will go down as one of Serie C’s, if not all of Italian footballs finest. In my humbled opinion we matched them all over the pitch, and it ended 8-6 to them. I wasn’t even mad, every player for us put their best effort in and left it all out there on the pitch. 

Before the match I strategically stayed in the dressing room to avoid shaking Ciro Ferrera’s hand, but at full time I walked over to him in the away dugout and before I could say anything he said ‘glad you did not take the bribe my friend’ to which I said ‘that’s not me and you know it. Tell whoever’s pocket you’re in I’ll never take a bribe. Prostitute’s and class A’s every day, but fixing games in the sport of kings just isn’t me’. 

He looked down his nose at me and said ‘pity, we’ll see each other again’ and left the dugout. I shook every players hand from both teams as they left the pitch. What a game, I’m exhausted just watching it never mind being involved.

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - Notes on the investigation

Friday November 24 2018

Time 11:15

Interview via Skype. 

Subject - Operation Rolling Thunder. Person of interest in this meeting - Joseph Mark McGhee junior aka Jock

Status - classified / only viewable by authorisation from Associate Deputy Director (or higher rank)

Attending officers representing the Federal Bureau of Investigation, abbr. FBI - Lance Field (Special Agent in charge of the investigation), Hunter Smith (Special Agent, second in command of the investigation) & Marshall James (Associate Deputy Director)

Attending officers attending from The Metropolitan Police (UK) - Derek Payne (Police Chief)

Attending officers from The Italian Football Association (FA), locally known as Federazione Italiana Giuoco Calcio - Roberto Fabbricini

Attending as legal counsel representing Mister Joseph McGhee - Wilson Barnes  (Solicitor)

Notes as follows. Submitted officially by SA Field November 24 at 18:09.

Mister McGhee is aware of the following criminal activities he is suspected of, in no particular order:

Item 1 - Suspicion of fixing football matches in Turkey by way of bribes, asking players to take dives, purposely let in goals etc.

Item 2 - Linked to and / or involved in bribing members of Turkey’s political parties for his own and associates monetary gain

Item 3 - Distribution of narcotics, performance enhancing drugs (PED) and opioid painkillers to professional athletes, most notably footballers in Turkey and possibly Greece.

Item 4 - Perverting the course of justice by intentionally misleading the FBI during 2 voluntary interviews in February 2018.

Item 5 - 1 of 3 new charges added to the investigation as of 11 June 2018. Evading local police in Turkey by way of illegally leaving the country

Item 6 - 2 of 3 new charges added to the investigation as of 11 June 2018. Resisting arrest of the FBI in Turkey by way of illegally leaving the country

Item 7 - 3 of 3 new charges added to the investigation as of 11 June 2018. Entering Bulgaria using a stolen vehicle. This coincides with the Bulgarian police’s investigation relating to many stolen water vehicles. No charges from them on this thus far, however their investigation is ongoing and they have cooperated fully. Charges expected once proven Mister McGhee had used a stolen vehicle.

Item 8 - 4 of 5 new charges added to the investigation as of 11 June 2018. Illegally entering and exiting Bulgaria, Hungary and Austria in that order.

Item 9 - 5 of 5 new charges added to the investigation from 11 June 2018. Follows from item 8, as newly acquired information obtained. Purchasing with intent to supply class A narcotics in the aforementioned 3 nations

Item 10 - New charge pending investigation - Possibly entering Italy illegally

Item 11 - New charge pending investigation - Possession of illegal passport and / or visa

Comments from Mister McGhee and his counsel during the November 24 call as below, listed in order of item as above:

Wilson Barnes confirms for the record that Mister McGhee is not under arrest and attending this call of his own will, and under no duress or pressure from any authorities attending the call or otherwise. Mister McGhee responds - fucking right I am. Mister Barnes also confirms for the record that Mister McGhee is attending to show he is being cooperative

Item 1 - SA Field shares screens and shows documents pertaining to football match fixing. 11 Etimesgut matches, during Mister McGhee’s time at the club are confirmed to be fixed in some way. in those 11 games Etimesgut didn’t lose in any, winning 9 of the 11. Mister McGhee comments - I won’t no comment here, I’ve done nout wrong and yous all know it. I’m [inaudible] not dropping anyone in it, but 3 of those [inaudible] games you shown are back to back to back in the league, Aktay hat trick in the first, Emre brace in the second and Emre & Aktay dominating the third. If you bothered to see we went on a horrid 8 game streak with no wins after that which coincided with our first choice full backs being injured and Aktay being out. Mister Barnes tells Mister McGhee he doesn't need to get into specifics and to keep in mind what they spoke about prior to joining the call. Mister McGhee responds with - Righto me old fruit.

Item 2 - Wilson Barnes - My client has stressed on the record to you, and to me privately that he has nothing to do with anything pertaining to illegal activity regarding political parties in Turkey, or any other country. SA Field asks Mister McGhee to confirm again for the record why he was seen leaving at least 3 parties arranged by members of Turkey for the People (semi right wing political party) as well as having correspondence from members of said party on his person. Mister McGhee - It’s not against the law to have friends and go to any party you’re invited to. SA Smith - No but being in possession of narcotics is, which brings us to item 3

Item 3 - Mister McGhee again denies the charge of intent to supply - Fuck that, why would I sell Molly to anyone? And you’ve never arrested me so how do you know I was in possession of anything to sell? SA Field - Your accommodation, which had it’s costs covered by your previous employers was searched and a number of narcotics recovered. Mister Barnes - I am directing this straight to Marshall James, at no point during this investigation has a warrant been issued to my client to search his premises, nor has one been given to Erdan Yilmiz, the owner of that property. No charges for possession have been brought and no mention of this search has been made until now. I implore you to drop this charge otherwise we will be counter charging for illegally accessing my clients private home without proper authorisation. Mister McGhee - Yeah put that in ya pipe and smoke it you [inaudible] snot gobblers. Mister Barnes - Calm down Jock. Mister McGhee - Sound.

Items 4 through 6 - On advice from counsel Mister McGhee denied to comment on these new charges. Mister Barnes confirmed until solid evidence is presented that his client lied to police or perverted the course of justice there will be no comment on these items. SA Smith confirmed that the FBI are in the process of collating this evidence to present to Mister McGhee, and it contains a number of witness statements, phone call logs and CCTV of Mister McGhee’s evading authorities. Mister McGhee flipped the middle finger into the camera.

Items 7 & 8 - Same situation as items 4 through 6. Mister McGhee denied entering Bulgaria, Hungary and Austria illegally but refrained from producing his passport or confirming he had entered customs at any of the 3 aforementioned countries. As for producing evidence, SA Smith confirmed that on advice from the FBI, local customs officers and police in the 3 countries had reviewed inbound flights from Turkey, as well as CCTV at airports in each country and confirmed Mister McGhee wasn’t present on any. Mister McGhee - what if I went in by train dickheads. Mister Barnes - As your counsel I am advising you not to comment until any solid evidence is produced that demands you do comment.

Item 9 - Mister McGhee allowed Mister Barnes to comment, stating - As with your item 3 this charge has no evidence to support it. My client strongly denies distributing narcotics in Turkey, and you seem to have added this charge as he has passed through, legally I might add, the 3 countries in question.

Items 10 & 11 - Mister McGhee confirms he has entered Italy legally, although refuses to confirm which airport, sea port or border crossing he used. He states his passport, issued in Scotland, is valid and legal. Mister Barnes also commented - San Marino FC have done their due diligence and confirmed my client has the right to work in and reside in San Marino on a work visa, application still pending but the club have confirmed there won’t be any issues with that.

SA Smith makes a note of the visa application and states for the record - should the application for residence in San Marino be denied for any reason Mister football manager, I want you to know that that will be grounds for your extradition, by force if necessary, back to Turkey. Mister McGhee refuses to comment.

Derek Payne of the Metropolitan Police also confirmed for the record - As a British citizen should the visa be rejected for any reason, Mister McGhee would need to either get himself back to The UK or another country where legal residence would be permitted. If not and he is to stay somewhere illegally then the British government will be obliged to extradite Mister McGhee back to Britain. However should any of the charges this call relates to prove true, and if the FBI have any solid evidence, so far all you have produced to me is circumstantial, then we would fully support extradition to Turkey for questioning and charges by the law there.

Mister Barnes confirms they are ending their participation there, on the back of Mister Payne saying the evidence is circumstantial. SA Smith ends the call.

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - Confidential information 2

Subject - Reaching out / catching up

Dear Joseph,

I hope this email finds you well, and that you still have access to it. I had typed out this letter in physical form to mail to you, but I have no fixed address for you so I am sending this correspondence by email. 

I have spoken to Erdan Yilmiz, chairman of Etimesgut FC in Ankara, who told me you’ve resigned and mentioned something about Nepal. I had briefly spoken to a press officer from the Turkish Football Association who advised I look at the San Marino web page, that was all she said regarding your employment, but was quite brutal in her opinion of you as a person, things I won’t repeat on this mail. After a bit of digging I happened upon the Italian FA’s Twitter page and subsequent links to their Serie C webpage, and found that you’ve taken on the role of head coach at San Marino Calcio FC, congratulations on the new job. I hope everything goes, and is going well there for you.

This correspondence relates to the ongoing Federal Bureau of Investigation (printed as FBI from here on) probe into match fixing, I’m sure you’ve not forgotten about it. I have had a meeting with the chairman of the Turkish Football Association (printed as FA from here on), as well as speaking directly to the chairman of the Scottish FA, Ian Maxwell.

During both conversations I made them aware of your innocence and under Great British law and legal aid act, I am to represent you should anything further come of it. Mr Maxwell agreed that as a British citizen you are covered by legal aid, and that should you be taken into custody relating to this ongoing match fixing investigation by the FBI, Turkish police or otherwise, extradition to the UK would be prioritsed. He did point out that your name has been mentioned in various circles around the British FA, particularly in Northern Ireland, where you’re blacklisted. Can you shed any light on this for me? Does it have anything to do with the match fixing case the FBI are looking into? If so I will need the details. 

As for the Turkish FA chairman, he praised your work at Etimesgut despite the allegations of match fixing, but did concede you seemed like a good manager. He also said that as the investigation is ongoing he wouldn’t comment further on that, and that if you were ever to be employed in Turkey again then you would be subject to Turkish law, which I agreed you would abide by. He did say he was informed by the Turkish Police that they would only pursue anything if advised to do so by the FBI.

Speaking of the FBI, I have also been invited to a Skype meeting with the investigating officers, namely Lance Field and Hunter Smith and their superior, Associate Deputy Director Marshall James, as well as an officer from the Italian FA, whose name hasn’t been confirmed yet, and the Metropolitan Police Chief Derek Payne. As your advocate I highly recommend you join the call as I do not know what the reason for this is, or if any new evidence that may implicate you has come up. The date for this call is Friday November 23rd at 11:15.

Please reply at the earliest convenience, and confirm if you are able to attend the call on the 23rd.

Regards, Wilson Barnes.

P.S I’m sure you already know but Motherwell winning the cup must’ve put a smile on your face.

== == == == ==

Re: Reaching out / catching up

Dear Wilson

How goes it my old mate? I’m happy you emailed, means a lot.

Firstly, yeah I sure do know we smashed the dog nonces in the cup, about bloody time we won something, not to mention knocking those Auld Firm twats right off their fucking perch eh! Second, I didn’t go to Nepal, wish I did, Erdan had told the players that story when I was forced to quit Etimesgut. He said I went with a few hookers and some Molly to go live in the mountains, would be ace that!! My mate Alexa, some guy called Hermes and a Bulgarian fella brought me to San Marino where I took this job. My pal The Doctor reckons he knows a canny bit about EU law and that as long as I’m in an EU country I can’t be kidnapped by the dicks at the FBI and tortured into giving myself up, please confirm if this is true. I did not, repeat did not fix matches in Turkey. If I did surely we would’ve won the league and not stuffed it in the play offs?? Thirdly ignore whatever that prick Trevor Best says. I did not, repeat again DID NOT sleep with his daughter, in fact we were up all night! I wasn’t even in the warehouse when his car bonnet was stolen, I just took the bill on the chin, I’m a nice guy.

Lastly, what’s this about the Italian FA getting involved got to do with anything? I’m not trying to piss Italian people or anyone in San Marino off yet I’ve only just got here, no matches have been fixed, at least to my knowledge, and the Met Police gadgie what has he got to do with anything? Glad the Scottish boy’s got my back though. Also yes I will attend the Skype call, I will install the app on my phone.

Your friend, Jock.

P.S that press officer chick, did you get her number? I hung out with her a few times last year, and all I will say is she could suck a marble through a straw that 1, top tier mouth work on her.

Sent from my iPhone 10

== == == == ==

Re: Re: Reaching out / catching up

Hello Jock.

Thank you for your reply. I am glad to hear you’re fine and doing well in San Marino.

A word of advice however. I’m sure the people at San Marino Calcio have mentioned this and the Italian football league have standards and practices officers in place, but until I get your name cleared I would advise you tone down your posts on Twitter. The reason for this that it could go against you and give your character a bad perception. I am specifically relating to a series of tweets by you regarding Motherwell FC and some recent results in which you posted:

Love to see the Steelmen absolutely [expletives removed] the sister [expletives removed] webbed toed knuckle draggin’ [expletive removed] Weegies #thewell #motherwellfc #[expletive removed]rangers[expletive removed] #steverobinsonisnumberone

Also the tweet regarding center forward Che Adams after his 4 goals against Falkirk in the FA Cup:

@CheAdams_ is the best [expletive removed] striker in the [expletives removed] world and anyone that disagrees with me is an [expletive removed] from [expletive removed] and a complete [expletives removed] that [expletives removed] and I will fight to the [expletive removed] death #iloveyouche #chechechebaby

As well as the tweet relating to the Motherwell / Celtic game:

Everyone loves seeing the [expletives removed] at [expletive removed] Celtic getting [expletives removed] by the Steve Robbo army and the boys from Motherwell. Just a shame the [expletive removed] at the [expletive removed] SPL keep stopping us from progressing #steelmen #wewillnotbestopped #motherwellornothing

I won’t copy the tweet you shared regarding the Pope, Neil Lennon and Michael Jacksons white glove, but I am sure you know which one I am referring to. Please try and keep as low a profile as possible Jock. Everything we can do to keep your character in a positive light we must do it.

Onto the investigation itself, and Special Agent Field has confirmed they do have more evidence, and the call is to outline this in preparation of a formal arrest. I do not know what evidence this may or may not be, so I implore you to think what you have done, or said, and to who you may have been in contact with since leaving Turkey in May. As your advocate I advise you to prepare yourself for bad news, and anything other than bad news we can take as a positive.

Lastly I would just like to say I have seen your recent results at San Marino, and think you’re doing well. 7 wins and mid table for a promoted team is nothing to shy at. Keep up the good (legal) work.

I will ring you on Skype at 10:30 on the 24th before we both join the call at 11:15. 

Take care, speak soon

== == == == ==
 

Re: Re: Re: Reaching out / catching up

Now Wilson me old fruit.

Thanks muchly for the kind words regarding my incredible team here at San Marino. I held a team meeting with the lads after our incredible 2-1 home win over Alto Adige, where Emre scored a worldie of a tap in and my main man Sanogo scored a right diving header, proper Roy of the Rovers stuff it was. In the meeting I told the boys of your kind words and it pretty much did my team talk for me. It doesn’t matter that we’ve eaten back to back losses in the league, we’re still in the cup and just thumped Monopoli 3-0, not the board game, the club in Italy.

I’m not aware of anyone here at the club that deals with things like tweets or procedures, but I take your advice on board, and will stop tweeting the truth about the Auld Firm, as well as toning down on the strong words I tend to use, I am Scottish remember, profanities and questionable language is a way of life for us.

As for that wee shite Lance Field there’s nout I’ve done that he can hold against me or my pal The Doctor am sure of it. They had nothing concrete in Turkey and will have even less now.

See ya, speak next week.

Sent from my iPhone 10

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - If you’re going to San Marino, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair

We were sat in a small tavern in what is the town center of San Marino’s capital, also named San Marino, known as Citta locally. I’ve been here a couple of weeks now and you know what, I’ve not actually taken the time to appreciate it’s beauty. All I’ve done is stare at Bazza to make sure he’s not doing anything stupid, while trying and mostly failing to keep an eye on the Doctor to make sure he doesn’t do something even more stupid than anything Baz can do like try and rig football matches, or what was the other charge the FBI said? Oh yeah, distribute narcotics and people around. 

He seems happy enough though and has kept out of trouble, and he’s made a few friends in the small country. As well as that for the most part I’ve been sat with the laptop, a pen, a note pad and copious amounts of coffee trying to scheme and figure out a way of not embarrassing myself and the club this season. I need a rest, and I’ve only been 2 bloody weeks!! 

Pre season is just about done, we’ve got 1 more friendly match, against La Fiorita, the San Marino league champions, a league my San Marino team aren't in. I looked at things to do while I’m here, there’s a bunch of old castles to visit, a big ass mountain to climb, plenty of eateries serving authentic Italian food, a couple of night clubs and surprisingly, a chess club. Bazza found that one. He tells me this last year while he’d been injured and not in the Stranraer team he’d been hammering the gear, and him and our mate Runner Up, called so because he’s been a welterweight boxer since he was about 12, and every fight he’s had, bar 1 against a lad who’s blind in 1 eye, he’s been the runner up in, they’d been sniffing powder and eating pills for nights on end while playing chess. Runner Up apparently wins more games of chess than he does prize fights.

I’ve got Mark Jauk my assistant with me, as well as The Doctor, who keeps popping up and disappearing at an alarming rate, as well as a couple of folders on things such as team reports and transfer targets

‘We need a central midfielder, we’ve only got 2 natural in the position’ Mark said

‘I’m on that, Baz has called a guy I know in Ireland, and remember this club has got an affiliation with Cesena, I’ve got a call booked in with their gaffer this aft to discuss loaning someone in’

‘A forward would be good also, only Di Curzio in the team, and he won’t be able to carry the goal scoring burden’ I just nodded in agreement.

As he stopped speaking I went and ordered 2 more pints of cheap Italian beer, and took a look around the cozy pub I was in. The place had a couple of San Marino shirts on the wall, a picture of Andy Selva taking most of another, some pictures of what looks like some Mafia Wiseguy types, but the barmaid was the clear attraction in this place. Tall for a woman, about 5 foot 9 maybe 5' 10'' I’d guess, long black hair, blue eyes to go with a nice smile and a chest that demands your attention.

‘Now Jack, been climbing any beanstalks recently?' Bazza said to me as he strolled in and sat down next to Mark

‘Jack’? Mark asked

‘Don’t ask’ I replied and let Bazza continue

‘Anyway the Turks on board, the whopper that replaced you at Etimesgut released him from his contract, so he pretty much jumped at the chance of joining us’

Emrre Ozturk, my vice captain at Etimesgut, and scorer of 18 goals in all competitions and provider of 20 assists, joins me in San Marino. He’ll maybe not be vice captain for me again, but his experience will be vital to our ongoing survival battle this season

‘Spoke to the yip at Ballyclare, turns out your mate Pavel was on a non contract there as well, but they were paying him more per appearance than you were at Bangor. Anyway he’s said he’s happy to join the club as well. I’ve told him you’ll have him as a rotation option, hope that’s alright mate’

‘Aye no bother Baz, I wanted Pavel and Emre to both be starters, I need people I can rely on’

Pavel Veiria, easily the best player I had in our 6 months together at Bangor, before he jumped ship to Ballyclare and won the cup. He was their player of the year last season, grabbing 19 assists and 12 goals. Okay so it’s standard is probably on par with an under 12’s reserve league, but I’m confident Pavel will come in and help us out this season.

‘Oh and one last thing, the agent you spoke to in Poland, he’s got back to us, and that forward from Lego, Legoia, Legion Warsaw, I can’t remember the name, he’s signed and on his way in too’

‘What agent from Poland?’ I asked

‘It’ll be Legia Warsaw David’ Mark replied

‘What bloody agent?’ I demanded again

‘I dunno Jock, you’re the one with the contacts, he just rang the clubs phone in the office, I answered and he said the deal to send Vamara, that’s Sanogo’s first name, has been done and he’ll be a the club in 2 days, we just to find him some digs’

Vamara Sanogo, never heard of him and I’d never spoke to any agent about him either. But the chairman confirmed the deal, which I signed off apparently, has been done. 47 thousand Euro the transfer fee, the only transfer fee I’ve spent so far in my career and I knew nothing about it!

Leaving the rest of my backroom team to concentrate on training, I had a call with the manger of Cesena, a team that has an affiliation with us, and we’d agreed to loan in Mirco Severini, an attacking midfielder, for the season. 21 and confident in a number of positions, I’ve seen the scouting reports on him and he looks decent, well decent compared to the rest of the San Marino players.

As with the rest of the players I tell young Mirco that this season is all about having a go. Having a go at staying up, having a go in the Coppa Italia Lega Pro, the lower league cup competition we’re a part of. We’ve been drawn in Group D alongside Carrarse and Pro Piacenzo. Not knowing any teams here could be an advantage to me, or not. 

Like the country we’re in, we’re expected to be the whipping boys in every game we’re in, but with a bit of hard graft, confidence if or when we go down, we might surprise some people.

My reputation can’t get tarnished any more than it already has, so if we stay up it might just be the first step to getting my career back on track. Or we might stuff it spectacularly and I’ll just pack it in and go back to Scotland and get some shitty job and live out my days as a failed player and even more of a failed manager.

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - This isn’t the great FM San Marino challenge

I was given the objective from Stefano de Luca, the San Marino Calcio chairman ‘I need you to survive, by any means necessary’. I asked him what means those were, and he said ‘oh anything, and I mean ANYTHING (he emphasized this word), just like you did in Turkey’. I assume he was alluding to the match fixing scandal that I didn't have anything to do with. 

Also as an aside, not that I’m playing a video game that may or may not have a scripted match engine, but I need to point out that at no point from being told 2 days ago that I’m the new manager of this club until now have I decided that this is now going to be the great San Marino challenge. I’m just happy to be in a job, and a job that there’s not much pressure to succeed in. Plus I don’t know who’s worse, the standard of manager in me, or the standard of players this country generates in the youth intake. Again, not that I’m playing any computer game. Also another aside, I’ve still not had any chance to implement the Moneyball idea that started me on this managerial journey, but if there’s 1 place in the world of football that I should be able to do that, it’s gotta be San Marino right?

San Marino, as a nation of people as well as a footballing nation, just seems to be happy to be there. I mean, it’s like this little village that’s been plopped randomly into a nondescript spot in Italy, near the coast and a bus ride away from Florence. Side note, I’m going to go to Florence and watch Fiorentina play when time allows. Last season the idiots got relegated to Serie B. Plus their home kits have always been nice, I had 1 with Batistuta on the back once, what a player he was.

The nation is known as the whipping boys of Europe so I’m expecting the football team, which plays in the Italian league pyramid, think Cardiff and Swansea in England, to be the same. But with that in mind, I felt coming here would be good for me on 2 counts. The first being if we get dicked every week it won’t matter, because San Marino and shit football go hand in hand and we’ll be expected to get smashed more than an Edinburgh prostitute on a weekend. If by some miracle of God, who by the way is quite popular round here, we manage to win some games and stay up, I’ll be heralded as a mastermind tactician and I’ll have overachieved and any pre-existing thoughts of match fixing will be forgotten. Win win all round, hopefully.

I felt to really give me and the club the best chance of survival, illegal activities on and off the pitch be damned, that I would need people I can rely on, that are somewhat knowledgeable in football and are cut out for it, which immediately rules the Doctor out, despite his protests. So I used the new phone Alex sent me to ring my old assistant in Turkey, Mark Jauk

‘Now lad, it’s Jock, you got a few minutes’

‘You stinky no good poker cheating low life scum ball’

‘I see your English has improved’

‘Funk you and your money stealing ways’

‘I don’t really know what to say’

‘Ahh is fine Jock, I’m just breaking your balls’

‘It’s called busting, but anyway how's it been at the club since I left?’

‘Terrible. The owner told us you left him a note to pass on to the rest of us saying thanks lads for the memories, and that you hired 2 high class hookers, bought a bag of blow and got a plane to Nepal to live in the mountains there, I didn’t believe it at first but then I thought that is something you’d probably do’ Couldn’t argue, sounds like a good thing to do to be fair.  He continued ‘The owner brought a new guy in, some hump from South Korea, he sacked all the staff apart from 1 scout, some punk kid I never met, he stripped Ummy of the captaincy and said he wants nothing to remain of your ill fated spell that has brought shame and dishonour to the club and to Turkish football’

‘Shit, well look I had noth….’ he cut me off

‘Oh I know you didn’t, I was approached by some dweebs wearing 3 piece suits and headsets about leaking team informations and asking players to take dives and so on, but I never obliged and I don’t think you would either’

So Mark was approached, I wonder if he was ever interviewed by the FBI? I’d ask another time. ‘Oh right, erm, not really sure what to say, other than I’ve got a new gig lined up, if you’re interested?’

‘Oh Jock my friend, I’m on a train into Vienna to accept a job as under 18’s manager at Sturm Graz, what job you have for me?’

‘Well I was gonna ask you to be my assistant again’ An awkward silence on the phone, I swear I could hear the cogs turning in his head

‘Fuck the under 18’s, I’m with you, where’s the job?’

‘Mark, please under no circumstances say that out loud again, I’m already wanted by the police, I don’t want be labelled a fiddler as well as a fraud’ I let the moment hang before saying ‘I’ll text you the details’ 

As that call ended, the Doctor just popped up out of nowhere like a wild Pokemon in the room I was in at the San Marino Stadium and said ‘remember that night in the van, we were in Sofia, the place not the prozzy, and I said about Bazza needing a job?’

‘No’

‘Corse you do, I told you that Bazza had been in touch, he’d ripped his foot on a barb wired fence and had to retire, but Stranraer said because of his disciplinary record and his tendency to not turn up to games and training that they couldn’t keep him on the coaching staff’

‘You’ve literally never said any of that to me, until now. Anyway how the fuck has Bazza managed to get in touch with you? And not me for that matter?!?’

‘Behave man, you said yeah once we’re sorted with a new job Baz can have a job as a coach’

‘Mate you’re tripping, I’ve never said that’

‘But hypno thetically, if he was available would you hire him?’

I couldn’t be bothered with the Doctors antics at the minute, and I hadn’t spoke to Baz for about 5 weeks, and even then it was on XBOX live while we were playing Fifa, I beat him 6-2, and I thought no way Bazza has been in touch, we’ve got new phones for a start, so I just said ‘it’s hypothetically, but if Bazza has retired and he wanted to come all the way out here, to San Marino then yes, he can work on my staff’

The Doctor got up, smiling and opened the door and said  ‘here lad I told you he’d take you on, he’s had me tagging along for 2 years’ and as he finished talking another figure walked into the room wearing a Rangers shirt, a white bandana and a pair of Speedo’s with the S worn out and rubbed off

I shook my head and said ‘For fuck sake. First of all take that shite off right now Baz!’ and watched as 1 of my oldest friends in the world took his Speedo’s off, letting his Winston hang out and his smile stretching across his full face ‘bit of a weird request, but as you’re my new boss I oblige’ he said before we embraced with a hug.

David Barron, 2 years my junior and someone I’d known since I was about 9, had had a so-so playing career in Scotland never really making it to the top leagues, content with playing League One at the highest. He told me his achilles is done and he needs surgery on it, and that his playing career is over at the age of 30. Sad times.

‘What’s all this about you sneaking across Europe running away from the pigs?’

‘That’s not exactly true, I’m running from the FBI not the police’

‘Woooooooow what the fuck have you done this time?!’

‘Nothing, literally nothing, it wasn’t me’ Baz turned and looked at the Doctor ‘and it wasn’t him either, for once’ I said

‘Right, whatever I don’t care. I’m here to get pissed, sniff some Italian Molly and fuck anything with a pair of tits and a heartbeat, although the heartbeat is optional. Shall we find a boozer then lads? And we left the hotel in Milan and made our way down to a pub on the high street.

During the next couple of hours we talked strategy, tactics and plans for the season, and it was nice to finally speak to someone logically about football and with someone who has experience in it, not just watching it like the Doctor. Despite Bazza knocking back pints of Perrotti like it was going out of fashion and the Doctor supplying more and more powder, pills and spirits we got a good deal sorted out. I told him I’ve briefly met the players but I do have control over transfers, and from my last 2 clubs there’s 2 players I’d love to speak to about coming over

‘Gimme the numbers I’ll call them’ Baz said

‘It’ll look better coming form me’ I said 

‘Nah, listen if anyone’s tapping calls coming from here they’ll get you, let me ring them. Plus if you ring Ballyclare and their gaffers cush with that Irish prick from Bangor you’ll never get to speak to Pavel will ya’ he had a point actually, he continued ‘also I’ll ring this Mark lad the new assistant, he’ll have the Turks number won’t he, we can let him talk to him about coming in’

To say I was impressed with Bazza’s professionalism would be an understatement. He’s really taken on the role of first team coach much more than I thought he would. He’s always been a bit of a liability at best, so to see him embracing his forced retirement is great, and it’s something I didn’t really know I needed until now.

San Marino, under Jock McGhee, Mark Jauk and my mate Bazza fresh off the back of being investigated by the FBI, are going places, I know it.

== == == == ==

The Journeyman Jock - Three is the magic number

 

‘For the sake of the tape please can you confirm your name?’

‘Just call me smacktalker Skywalker, bada bing bada boom I’m the realest guy in the room’

‘And how do you know Joseph?’

‘Joseph? Like Mary, Jesus and Joseph?’

‘Joseph Mc…, Jock you call him’

‘Oh that square, erm, dunno, think I bumped into him when I got here few months ago, seems like a nice guy’

‘You know fine well you’ve known him most of your life, spill on that’

‘Well if you think that why you asking me? Hey wait a minute, I know this routine, you’re asking me questions you’ve already got answers to and then if I say something different you’re gonna implicate me in the murder’

‘What murder?

‘Ahh see, there it is. What murder exactly hahaha’

‘You do realise, or at least you have comprehended that you’re being questioned in relation to a number of serious offences?’

‘Yeah mate sure do, I’ve got a serious case of the heeby jeebies’

‘I’m obliged to tell you that the case we’re building against you and your friends is gonna see you in prison for a long time, but you can help yourself by helping us’

‘Yeah whatever’

‘Let me get to the real reason you’re here today Mister Robson. You’ve been involved in trafficking narcotics into and around Ankara. As well as that you’ve been involved in match fixing football games, most notably games involving Besiktas and Etimesgut. Oh and let’s not forget the extortion and bribery you’re partial to, whilst in cahoots with the Turkey for the People political party. Spill it’

‘I’ll spill nothing. A spilt drink is like a broken heart’

‘You had the chance to cooperate with us but it seems as though you’re dead set on being unhelpful. I have to ask you, how did you come into contact with members of the Turkey for the People political party?’

‘No idea who that is’

‘What about on the night of January 1st, you were seen leaving a house on the outskirts of Ankara with a lady half your height, you were wearing a Scotland flag around your waist and a clown mask, the lady you were with happened to be wearing less, as in nothing. Tell me about that’

‘How do you know it was me if the person was wearing a mask?’

‘The Spongebob Squarepants tattoo on your back, the one that takes up your full back which is exactly the same as the one the person had leaving at that time’

‘Spongebobs a popular guy, loads of people have tattoos of him’

‘I doubt that, but okay, what about the tattoo on your left leg of Ronald McDonald and a Burger King Whopper meal, or the one on your right leg of Papa Smurf gardening a field of marijuana leaves, both of which were on the person seen leaving the house?

‘Another case of popular tattoos mate’

The Doctor turned the tape off and said ‘loads of bullshit really, I didn’t drop you in anything trust me’

‘I wouldn't trust your corpse to take a punch’ a lie but a joke, I trust this man with my life  ‘What did they say when you got up and left?’

‘Something about getting a warrant from the court then coming to get me. Lucky we got out of Turkey when we did, that politician broad came good didn't she’

‘Yeah she actually did. She’s put me in touch with a guy, apparently he’s got me a job’

Before my friend could say anything else, I told him we’ve got to do everything we can to keep our heads down and wait for this case to blow over. I was under no illusions that it would blow off quietly, but I’ve done nothing wrong, well nothing wrong in terms of fixing matches anyway.

‘Don’t be such a saint, live life to fullest man’

‘That’s easy for you to say, you’re not a football manager that’s stuffed 2 jobs in 2 years in 2 different fucking countries!’

I settled down on the sofa in the hotel room in Milan, put on by Alexa, all I was told I had to do was wait for a call, which didn’t take long.

I answered ‘It’s me, how you feeling?’ she said, compassion clear in her tone

‘Like shit, like a fucking illegal immigrant’

‘Don’t worry, as long as you stay in the EU you’re safe, well as safe as you’re going to be. It’ll take a hell of a lot for the British government to sanction an extradition, and based on the evidence the FBI have got, it’s circumstantial at best’

‘Yet I’m backtracking across Europe…’ she cut me off

‘Don’t worry. I’ve told you about the job already lined up’

‘A wise man once told me that if something seems too good to be true then it usually is’

‘This isn’t too good to be true, one of the contacts we have in Milan is a football agent, he’s got contacts all over the world in football. He’s been able to put your name out there and he'll represent you, so any fallback from this slander campaign against you will be irrelevant’

I’ve got no other choice really. I’m stuck in a hotel in 1 of the less posher areas of Milan, with my oldest friend in the world, who somehow keeps finding dealers with gear and booze in all the places we’ve been to, and god knows where his money is coming from, I swear he’s not worked a day in his life.

The more I think about it the worse it gets, and my headache just keeps coming and going. The Doctor tells me it’s the comedown from the acid and coke we’ve been taking the last few days. I say it’s the fucking stress he’s put me under! Which football club owner or chairman is gonna take on an out of work manager, that’s stuffed it at the last 2 jobs he’s been at? Not to mention one that’s been implicated in a high profile match fixing scandal that’s been going on?’

‘One at a club that’s either going nowhere or is too irrelevant to have much of a choice’ the Doctor said

‘How did you know what I was thinking?’

‘I know you like the back of my hand. Plus I spoke to the agent’

‘What? When?’

‘Earlier. We’ve got 2 days here in Milan then we’re off on a train down to San Marino’

‘San Marino? Aren’t they the worst football country in the world?’

‘Yeah, they’ve got a team in the Italian league though, you’re the new manager’

‘Shut up you can’t be serious’

‘I am, they’re expected to finish bottom of Serie C, that’s the third division. Like I said, too irrelevant to be picky about who their manager is’

‘What happened to the last manager?’

‘No one knows, he just disappeared’

‘Great’ 

And that was how I became the new manager of the newly promoted San Marino Calcio, another third division club, in my third country in three years.

== == == == ==