The Night Thread Mk. IX

I hate FM.

Piss off to Championship Manager then.

Is CM still going? not heard ouwt about it in a few years now.

I hate FM.

Is CM still going? not heard ouwt about it in a few years now.

Been a busy couple of weeks. Wife gave birth on the 30th and has been in hospital with the baby since then until they came home yesterday, as he had meningitis which he had to be treated for. Im back at work today aswell and absolutely shattered. At least my boy is doing good though

If you haven't named him yet, make a poll on the name choice \o/

Been a busy couple of weeks. Wife gave birth on the 30th and has been in hospital with the baby since then until they came home yesterday, as he had meningitis which he had to be treated for. Im back at work today aswell and absolutely shattered. At least my boy is doing good though

A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

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1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary'.

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

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3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

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5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

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6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

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7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

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8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

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11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

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13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

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14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

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15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

Girl's miracle escape under train
Jan 17 2007


By Emma Cullwick, Birmingham Mail


A TEENAGER miraculously escaped with her life today when she was Jan 17 dragged 50 feet by a moving train in Birmingham.

The 16 year-old girl fell between platform and train while apparently having a fit.

Ambulance chiefs said the girl, from Erdington, was lucky to have survived and escaped with relatively minor injuries, including a fractured cheek, bruised head, grazed hip and friction burns to her knee.

The girl's horrified friends and workers waiting for their trains looked on in horror as the youngster was dragged helpless along the track.

Train staff quickly raised the alarm and an air ambulance from Shropshire was called while paramedics dashed to the scene of the incident at Erdington train station, at 9.51am.

A spokesman for West Ambulance Service, explained: "The girl was standing on the platform with friends, but as the train pulled in to the station she suddenly had a fit and fell head-first between the platform and the train.

"The train was travelling at around 20mph and it dragged her along the track for at least 50 feet."

Distraught staff and members of the public raced to her rescue, pulling her off the track while the girl, believed to suffer from epilepsy, was still having a fit.

Clinical Support Officer Tim Hughes, of West Midlands Ambulance Service, who was at the scene, said: "This young lady had a very, very close shave.

"Had this happened at many other stations, the outcome could have been completely different.

"This particular station has a bigger gap between the train and the platform than others in Birmingham, which undoubtedly saved her life."

Crew from the air ambulance left the scene shortly after arrival and the teenager was taken by ambulance to City Hospital, in Dudley Road, where she was believed to be recovering today.

Oh, the good old days...

I've only just realised that your actually a cock all of the time, which is quite some achievement.