Old Trafford Lounge

Sounds like something your manager says when you're a child who isn't exactly the best at football

Unfair?

We need to get back to creating more opportunities. I actually think we have played quite well in games.

Nah, in that scenario I can imagine hearing that he needs time to rebuild the entire stadium, brick by brick, before he can be properly judged.

If that doesn't work, 'sensible pundits' will insist that Moyes must be given the funds to atomically dematerialise the entire squad and then rebuild them molecule by molecule to his own specifications.

If this still doesn't provide Moyes with the exact right circumstances for his highly complex footballing vision to come to fruition, I can see Fergie assembling a doomsday device - 'sensible pundits' will frantically assure us that the world simply hasn't been pulling it's weight and that a 'massive, global clear-out' is needed in order for Moyes to have a fair go at it. 'True fans' like Drummer and Pogue will righteously agree that though they love their families, and have enjoyed life on Earth, this is simply the only realistic way forward at this point.

Moyes will be bundled into an underground bunker for his own protection, and all other life on the planet will be eradicated.

Moyes will emerge from his bunker, just as Fergie has instructed, with a football, two sets of goal posts and a homemade banner that reads "Barclay's Premier League" on it. He will mount the banner and the goal posts in the hard, dry, dead Earth and proceed to play a single match, against no-one, for the title of 'Premier League Champion of the Universe' - first goal wins.

He stoically plods up field, ball at his feet. Fast, nervous breaths as he approaches the empty opposition goal. He aims a lofted ball into the open net but just as the ball is about to cross the line, a rogue gust of post-apocalypse wind picks the ball up and blows it in the opposite direction...

Straight down the makeshift pitch it blows and straight into Moyes' own net.

Game over.

Moyes sighs and stumbles off into the empty, desolate wasteland - muttering to himself about how 'all he can do is try and win the next one'.

I don’t mind if my performances get dissected and people criticise what I’ve done on the pitch. They can talk about my game 24/7 for all I care… and a lot of those opinions and criticisms may actually be right. So I don’t mind that. What I need to address are the situations when people are taking it upon themselves to think for me, make assumptions, or interpret things as if they are me. Last time I checked my head was still attached to my body, so I’m the only one who knows exactly what I’m feeling and that is not what I or the fans have been reading. The truth is I’m very happy here at this club. I signed for four years and I’d be delighted to stay even longer, beyond the next two years I have left on my contract. This is how I feel, although it’s not what has been suggested in the media.

I’m very happy with my team-mates and I’m very happy with my manager and his staff. The sessions we have on the training ground are fantastic and I’m learning a lot from them every day. I’ve been a professional footballer for 12 years now and there’s no doubt I’m learning new things and progressing with David Moyes. Like I said, talk about my performances or talk about a tackle that was too late. I don’t mind. But it goes too far when people start suggesting, amongst other things, that I have a bad understanding with the manager. That’s not true at all.

“Over the last few years I’ve started to look more closely at the way coaches work to learn from them – not just here at the club but with the international team as well. I’ve worked with some brilliant coaches and I’ve taken a real interest in all the methods they use and the choices they make. I can tell you that Moyes’ sessions and the things he says in his team meetings are spot-on. I really enjoy working under him and I’m absolutely convinced things will pick up and we’ll turn it around.

There is mutual respect between us and the work environment is actually good. He really wants things to work here at Manchester United and I want the same, just like the other players. We’re all working hard to make this work.

I'm not sure him staying is hugely beneficial to the club long term now Rooney signed on, anyway.

You're paying over £500k p/w in wages for the pair of them. I'd flog him in the summer and invest in a younger, cheaper striker who isn't a selfish and moody cunt.

Your defence would still be fucking atrocious.

Which is why I hope we get Jones and Smalling playing games together and building an understanding now.

Oh and we might buy a left back that can defend, that would be nice.

You lot need first choice replacements for both fullback positions and a centre back.

While both have talent, Smalling and Jones as first choice won't cut it on a consistent basis.

United have a lot of work to do in a lot of key areas.

Says who?

Jones and Smalling are both very talented centre backs and both deserve a chance in my opinion, if they get it and don't make it so be it, but I'd rather both got it than we spunk money needlessly on big name players for the sake of it.

There's also plenty of United fans that will tell you that Evans is already top class, he's certainly no worse than a lot of players plying their trade at top clubs. We'll probably sign a player, but I wonder if the sensible money would be on a more budget signing like Astori who has a bit more experience than that pair.

I'm not sure what you mean when you say 'first choice replacement', but Rafael is brilliant and I'd hope next season Valera can cover for him. We need to sign a left back, without doubt, but I'm not as sure Evra will leave as I was a few months back so maybe we don't need another player just for the numbers.

We all recognise our midfield is utter dross, and I think people forget that that impacts the defence, too, Fellaini's done a better job of providing some stability in midfield since he's come back and we've looked a bit more solid as a result, finally sort that midfield out and the defence will naturally start to look a bit better.

So its Man Utd v Liverpool at Old Trafford and Moyes has called Liverpool the favourites, that'll go down well.

I've convinced myself that Liverpool won't turn up and we'll win 1-0.

Which will make it all the more painful when we get humped.