Fantastic - Comments

Australia is a dump, you should cancel and do something else.

Really? I never owned a PS3 so I never got to play the games fresh, but I bought the remastered collection a month or so ago and tried to work my way through them. The first game is flat out awful, it ots so boring in all elements, everything. But I completed it. The second I almost finished but I just got so bored with the combat, it's repetitive and not fun. I didn't bother playing the third, I just watched a video of what happens and moved on, I appreciate the timing factor, I wasn't there to be sucked in by the fanfare, but I have the same feeling about the fourth. When it hits, it hits big and it feels fun, but when it reverts to its bread and butter, combat and climbing, it is dull and feels like work you have to do in order to get to the next bit. I will say the story is vastly improved, but that isn't saying much given there's basically no depth to any of the original games' stories.

If I wanted to waste drugs on a guy who'd give up hot ass willingly, have the worst sex of my life, be told the product I'm trying to sell is worthless (oh and share, not have, a pint), then yes that scenario would be accurate.

I mean, I have a track record of consistently not raping members of Sortitoutsi that I have met in real life. One can only look at my attendance at all Susie meet-ups that ever happened, and the lack of assault or indentured service that occurred. At one of those events included Fmgod.

So sorry, dad, I don't want that cooze.

In your hypothetical situation, do we share a needle or do I slot one in your ass, daddy?

I live in London, but I don't want to see you.

It's a shit league for shit cunts. Deal with it.

That's great, but it doesn't count as the league win. So onto the next season.

I'm actually surprised we did so well. This squad is old as fuck and it's only going to get worse as time goes on. Under normal circumstances that would be fine, except we're in Australia where every single aspect of player acquisition is governed by forty four rules. It's almost as if Australia loves rules, the joke writes itself, I'll leave it to you.

But seriously, just look at this shit:

- Maximum of four foreign players
- Maximum of 20 over-20 players
- Minimum of two goalkeepers
- Maximum salary of £26,500 excluding Marquee Players
- Maximum of one Marquee Player (including Australians)
- Maximum of one Australian Marquee Player
- Maximum of three Junior Marquee Players

Why is there a rule for Australian and non-Australian Marquee players? What are Junior Marquee Players? Why hasn't the salary cap risen with inflation? Why do I HAVE to HAVE two goalkeepers?

I hate Australia, and it's rules. I really don't want to play another season in this dump. I barely managed to put a squad together and the thought of spending years toiling away, only to be held up by arbitrary rules just hurts my head. I understand it's a living-within-means thing, but christ, why can't I choose to have 21 over-20 players, it's still the same money being spent.

Long story short, don't manage in Australia, I'd forgotten that was the rule I'd made for myself a few years ago after a failed attempt managing there once. Don't copy me, my life is a disaster.

9th August 2038



Right, now I'm going to bed.

27th June 2038









And with that, I'm done. I'm actually sad to be leaving Indonesia, it's been one of the most fun managerial stints I've engaged in. The quality of the football was awful, but it was still a fun game to hone a decent tactic (4-4-2 formation based for those that are interested) to add to my growing collection. I'm still waiting for the moment I can employ a sweeper, just for varieties sake.

I'm not going to hang around in Indonesia, it's time to press on. I've only got four nations left to conquer in Asia: Australia, China, Malaysia, and Singapore. I've managed in all but China before. My particular fondness was for Singapore, who years ago had a team whose mandate was to only employ African players, but they don't exist any longer. Anyway, time to quit and see where I can get a job.

December 2037



Nothing special on the transfer front. Just some backup players in case we have injury problems. I don't want to be playing defenders as wingers again.

20th June 2037



So close. If we hadn't been shafted by injuries it's very likely we would have won the league. Our extended run in the Indonesian Cup (which we came third in, because India has a bronze medal trophy game just to really rub the salt in) didn't help as well meaning a lot of our games were bunched together. I like football, but not four games in eight days football.

Still, there are major positives and two great signings should put us in a position to win the league.



My boy Dude broke records left, right, and centre, so as long as he can stay fighting fit we're going to be there.

Seriously, this has become cancerous now.





When was the last time you had THREE of your goalkeepers injured? fuck's sake. And this is who I have to step up:



I've had problems with injuries in this game since 2015, but this has taken it to another level which just makes me so, so happy.

The hits keep on coming.





Someone really doesn't want to make this easy. In the game I just won I had to play a defender up front.

I'll give you one guess to tell me when you think the injuries began.



It's fine, it's not like I have anything better to do in my life. I'm enjoying this.

Thanks for the tip, didn't know I could manually remove items via Adblock.

One of the best/worst nicknames I've seen a Brazilian given. He's a banging player though.

Just some general admin on the transfer front, removing foreigners (there's a 3 foreign player limit) and I had to spend big money to bring in a competent goalkeeper. He was the only four star goalkeeper I could find, everyone available on a free was no more than one and a half stars.



That's what £205k gets you. That's insanity.

June 2036



Good recovery by the team, and we've got some decent young players. I'd hope to break the top six next season.

I'm going to tell you because no one else has the balls to. Don't stream Football Manager. No one gives a shit, it's as boring as you think it is. Compound that by the fact you're managing Man Utd, no ones cares you've gone on an eleven game unbeaten streak. Listen, I've got nothing against someone enjoying their own game, but you're trying to share you're experience with the world. If you want someone to care about your experience then make it actually challenging, not some sad progression towards inevitability beamed in HD.

I had a think and realised I'd get bored after having won the league, so I quit.

February 2036



We arrive in Indonesia. Time to start playing some hot football. We're 16th in the league, I can taste the fun already.

Three in a row doesn't sound too bad. I signed three solid players to utilise in my preferred 4-2-3-1 formation and they were effective, coupled with Jeonbuk's already talented side. I'm disappointed we didn't do any better in the ACL, and I have to make a decision now whether I stay and try to win that, or swiftly move onto another club elsewhere. Decisions.

In other news, shout out to my boy Pingo. He's good at football, and has a cool name.

Where have I insulted league trophies?

June 6th 2035



I'm sure most people are familiar with South Korea, and Jeonbuk, one of the larger sides in Asia. They're currently third in the K-League after their manager left to join the 6th place team, Ulsan. I guess he must really love Ulsan, or hate Jeonbuk. Either way, his loss is my gain because I couldn't have asked for a better situation to move into. I'm not expecting quite as rapid a league title as I've seen in Hong Kong and India, but this is definitely a far better situation than I anticipated.

And with that, my time in India comes to a close. It was quick, and despite the closeness of the league, actually rather easy. They key was having a really good Irishman.

The only thing I can say in the positive is that I wish all leagues were 20 games long. I'm dreading Brazil, where if I get bogged down I'm looking at eight or ten seasons playing 70 odd games. I shudder when I think about it. But that's a long ways away, onto the next league...

And this is the man who'll be leading me to glory. No idea how he's found his way into the miasma that is Indian football, but I'll use him all the same.

July 2034



The sun rises on my new tenure as manager of some club in India. That's what it says on my business card, by the way.

Three games against the three worst teams in the league later and I am now the proud owner of dustbin lid that says "Hong Kong Premier League Winner". I took full credit for this win.





I've already quit, I'm not hanging around in this dumpster-fire of a league.

The key to good management? Being in the right place, at the right time.





Sun Source are all but guaranteed relegation, and I really didn't want to be saddled with that baggage. Fortunately South China inexplicably sacked their manager, despite being only a point off the top of the league. So I did the honourable thing and left the bad club for a better one. I've left Sun Source in a great position, with six more foreigners than is allowed in the match day squad, and healthy staff consisting of a physio and a scout. Children will be told of my mythical reign for generations to come...

So where does that bring us?

It is January 2034 and we're in Hong Kong. Hong Kong's alright. Well, except for the small fact there's no talent. Put it this way, I can't even get an assistant manager:



There's literally no one interested in the job, not one Hong-Kong (enese/ian? you decide) person available. Times are so shit I'm forced to attend my own press conferences like some sad competition winner who actually think managing a football club is fun.

Anyway, here's how we're doing:



Pretty shitty. But there's still time left. And, to be fair, I won't stop until I've won every league. I don;t care if I get sacked, they can't stop me.

One might argue that starting this story in 2034 is skipping out on a lot of the meat. But put it this way, you're missing out on the most boring part of the story.



Ten years in Greece? Six fucking around in Russia? That's all time wasted. Your time, that would have been wasted, if I hadn't so generously excluded you from the torture of having to holiday the first three rounds of every cup competition I've been involved in for at least nineteen years.

Put it this way, you're getting in just at the right time. Base camp has been made, you've had some boiling water, and now we're trying for the summit. Fuck sherpas, we're going solo. Like Derulo.



Cont.