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Poe
Number 1
Ninja
Kinnear’s appointment has been met with a largely negative reaction, but the former Wimbledon manager has been seeking to win over his critics with a series of lies about his previous exploits.
“I’ve been out of the game for a couple of years and people have been quick to overlook everything that I achieved,” claimed the one-time manager of the year, who oversaw Luton Town’s relegation in the 2000/01 season.
“They’re doubting my ability but I have never been in charge of a team that was relegated and I have been named manager of the year on three occasions.”
“Add to that the fact that in my eighteen games as Newcastle United manager I took them to two league titles, a Champions League title and a Eurovision song contest top three finish, and my record speaks for itself.”
Kinnear defends record
Football analysts claimed that if the Newcastle players defend their goal as heartily as Kinnear defends his track record, then Newcastle could be unlikely title contenders.
Kinnear went on, “I was also responsible for discovering Lionel Messi, winning the Olympics for London 2012 and for leading the English attack that successfully forced the retreat of the Spanish Armada.”
“So I don’t know understand where this negativity is coming from.”
“It’s probably just due to jealousy because I’ve definitely got more intelligence than anybody who doubts me – and what they need to remember is that without me we would all be speaking Spanish.”
“And we’d never have stolen the secret of fire from the gods,” concluded Kinnear, before calling a journalist a cunt
Fantastic
Fantastic
Joe Kinnear sat back and looked at his reflection in the three manager of the year trophies resting on top of his Tuscan marble mantlepiece. He could see the sweat dripping down his toned body after his workout, the small hand towel wrapped around his waist was damp. He whipped it off and sniffed the material. It smelled like success, he thought to himself.
He began drying the inside of his thighs while looking at one of the many photos of himself with Robbie Earle. He remembered he had to pick up some flowers for Robbie's wife before they went to TGI Friday tomorrow, which Joe Kinnear had noted to himself was extremely ironic because tomorrow was Wednesday.
Joe KInnear was distracted from toweling his groin by the sound of his Bang & Olufsen Beocom 6000 telephone ringing. He had won the telephone after achieving the highest judge's rating at the karaoke contest he participated in while studying for his UEFA B License in Geneva, Switzerland. Switzerland was one of the many places Joe Kinnear had visited in his years of service to the game of football, a game which he was extremely knowledgeable about.
"Yeah," said Joe Kinnear, picking up the phone and running his hand through his tousled silver locks. "Who is this?"
"Hello sir," said the voice at the other end of the line. "I'm calling with regards to a PPI claim you can ma--"
"Listen here, you cunt," Joe Kinnear said, his grip tightening around the phone. "Fucking do one before I come round your manor and rip out your heart."
He aggressively thumbed the hang up button and sheathed the Bang & Olufsen Beocom 6000 back in it's charging dock. He was seething, he hated those nuisance calls and despite having applied to be placed on the Telephone Preference Service he was still receiving them. Besides, he'd already claimed back the PPI he was owed and the money had been spent wisely on a new tanning bed with built in digital radio and back massager.
The Bang & Olufsen Beocom 6000 began ringing again. Joe Kinnear turned to face it, a film of sweat spraying into the air as his shoulders moved. Each ring was reverberating inside his body, causing his heavily moisturised skin to shudder. He picked up the phone.
"Oi cunt," he said, holding the receiver to his mouth. "I thought I fucking told you to do one."
"Joe Kinnear, Joe Kinnear," said the caller. "It's Mike Ashley."
"Mike Ashley?" asked Joe Kinnear.
"Yeah, Mike Ashley. Remember, we met down the Rat and Parrot in Chiswick..."
"Not really. Anyway, what the fuck are you doing calling Joe Kinnear, I'm a very busy man."
"Joe Kinnear, I, Mike Ashley, have a job for you."
Joe Kinnear's towel dropped to the floor. "Joe Kinnear is listening," he said.
To be continued
ianbaker
Number 1
K3V0
I lost my shit when I read that bit.
Telegram Sam
Esprit Vanilla
Number 1
If he'd just said this and left it at that, we might be getting somewhere. All the rest does not help though.
SpinSwimScream
Utter prick
Poe
He's also had a go at him playing Damien Duff left back - completely ignoring the fact that he also played him there and also playing Charles N'Zogbia there too. Absolute hypocrite.
Wish he'd just shut the fuck up and get on with his job instead of slating everybody all the time.
Number 1
If any manager was to blame, then it was Chris Hughton and Colin Calderwood, who won 1 game in 2 caretaker spells - and that one was the West Brom game where Kinnear had picked the team anyway. Though it's a better argument that Dennis Wise dropped us in it by being there in the first place, leading to the destabilising resignation of Keegan.
Telegram Sam
Poe
And what Shearer said was completely right - he said what everyone else was thinking/saying. The retaliation from Kinnear was extremely childish - and more importantly - wrong.
K3V0
He's never been the same.
Shola
Exciting.
Number 1
Slashman X
Poe
Fantastic
Number 1
Number 1
“I would give him a piggyback to Newcastle”
“Oh piss off! Somebody offering £14m for Gignac! My fucking god, sell sell sell”
“Great if we can replace Gignac, bring in one from abroad”
“If you read this Gignac, thank you for last season but not anything before. With your salary and predictable game you have your limits, you can go. England is cool, you have a big salary and will move to a club of your heart”
“You and me both amazed if they offer £14m”
“This is serious, £14m for Gignac?”
“I want players who are highly motivated like Gignac, who pour their soul into the club”
“If you take away his (Gignac’s) goals then his contribution to the team is close to nothing, I hate players like him”
“He scored 13 goals with non-existent wingers, plus he was injured for two months. Without injuries he would have scored over 15 goals and like I say, doing it without wingers”
“Gignac has had a good season but £14m…must sell!! His first two seasons were chaotic and if we refuse £14m then we will look like fools when he leaves for £2m/£3m”
Slashman X
Confirmed as bullshit
Number 1
Balls.
Telegram Sam
Newcastle bought Aubameyang on FM13 and I always struggle against him and Cisse (as Arsenal).
Poe
BR.
Poe